mycarforum: Jokes for everyone part 51

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls�you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab." He popped into a phone booth near� the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.� He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, "What the�heck, I'll give her a call." "Hello," the woman says. She sounded sexy.� "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait,�I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.�I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything�you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate�syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A voice inside said to me: �Calm down, you are not the first doctor who sleeps with his patient!�

And another voice answered: �but you are a veterinarian!�

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies,"So you really love me?" "Oh God no!", the guy says."I just got sick of waiting."

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!" Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?" To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!" So the second old man rushed to the store. The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon. "That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked. Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, �Major, when was the last time you had sex?� �1956,� was his reply. �No wonder you look so uptight!� she exclaimed. �Major, you need to get out more!� �I�m not sure I understand you,� he answered, glancing at his watch, �It�s only 2000 now.�

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began.� After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, "I have a problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favour." Heidi replied, "Okay," to which he asked, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.� The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.� Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.� Finally, the guy said to Heidi, "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" Heidi had now become very dejected, and said "No, I guess not, you can call me Phil." So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted "Phil, you'll never believe who I'm f**king!"

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn�t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn�t wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat. During the couple�s moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?" "Screw NO, get your own woman," said the groom, "this one�s all mine!"

My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product. So I gave him a magnifying glass!

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard."

One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having sex on the bench. The little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mom was blushing and replied, "Oh their making cakes." The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having sex. The little girl asked again, "Mommy, what are they doing?" Again the mother replied, "Oh their making cakes." The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, "Mommy, I know you and daddy we�re making cakes last night." The mom was frightened and asked, "How did you know?" The little girl replied, "I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!"

A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? Yes, honey, three times. When was the first time? Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you? Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time? Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?

A: When his wife's out of town.

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation. After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump. The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers a**hole. Just really going to town on it. The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

A boy went into a hoare house and said he wanted an AIDS's infected prostitute. The woman at reception said room 9 top of the hall. He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected. The boy answered,"When I go home i'll sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the morning my mam will f**k the milkman and thats the b**tard that ran over my dog.

Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

A: They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says " Doc I can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back!! " The Doc says " There is an experimental procedure where the mucles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis, this gives you the full use of your penis." Great I'll do it. Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it. It happens again. So he figured it just needed some air. So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his penis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disapeared back under the table. His date stared in complete awe and said " Can you do that again". He said " Probally but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her a lovely bouquet of roses.

Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers.

"I suppose," she said, "that now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread."

"Why?" said the young man. "Don't we have a vase?"

A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

He buys a pack and shows his wife.

�They�re in three colours,� he tells her, �Gold, silver and bronze.�

�So what colour are you going to wear tonight?� she asks.

�Gold of course,� replies the man.

�Why don�t you wear silver?� replies his wife.

�It would be nice if you came second for a change!�

The four words most hated by men during sex?

�Is it in yet?�

Q: How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

A: It�s not hard.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...

A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Self explanatory

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Some dad jokes

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The four words most hated by men during sex?

�Is it in yet?�

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sorry if following was posted before...

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Man : God, are u there?

God : Yes, how may i help you?

Man : Can i ask you something?

God : Of course!

Man : what is it for you a million year?

God : A second.

Man : What is it for you a million dollars?

God : A penny

Man : God, can you give me a penny?

God : wait a second

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:a-panic:

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Agree?

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MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information
System
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface Tension-soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)
COMMON USES: ---
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.
HAZZARDS: ---
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

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Time pass

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, �Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?� The father, surprised, answers, �Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman�s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.� �Onions?� the son asks. �Yes. You see them and they make you cry.� This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, �Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?� The mother smiles and says, �Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it�s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it�s like a Christmas tree.� �A Christmas tree?� the daughter asks. �Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.�

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn�t have a scent, the deer didn�t have a buck so they put the meal on the duck�s bill.

What�s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you�re in deep shit.

What�s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What�s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you�re twelve before it comes on your face.

What do a penis and a Rubik�s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don�t get some support, people will think we�re nuts.

How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

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Edited by Byteslurve, 02 March 2016 - 10:52 AM.

Why do vegetarians give good head?

Beause they�re used to eating nuts.

Edited by Byteslurve, 02 March 2016 - 10:54 AM.

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'
Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'
Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'
Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'
Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'
Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'

'I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn�t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don�t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma�am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind�a figured we were friends."

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason. The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they� re not twins� The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "No madam... I�m neither blind nor stupid... I just can�t get that there�s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I�ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did. The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet. "Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman. "Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?" "There's no electricity in the house�" said the lady.

A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway. Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.." She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Boy calls 911.

Boy: Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Question: What�s the best thing about a blow job?

Answer: Ten minutes of silence.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

"Oh, my love! My darling! If you give me one more kiss, I�ll be forever yours!"

"Sh*t... thanks for the warning."

At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked,

"Will you dance with me, please?"

The arrogant girl says, "I don�t dance with a kid."

The taken back boy apologized,

"I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant."

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn�t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says , "Ma�am I�m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn�t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That�s a 6? graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It�s a good all around rod and reel and it�s $20.00." She says, "That�s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it�s what I�m looking for so I�ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn�t know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn�t you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma�am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: �I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter�s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn�t even know that she smoked!� �It gets worse than that,� says the second mother. �I was tidying my daughter�s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn�t even know that she drank!� �Oh, it gets even worse than that,� says the third mother. �I was tidying my daughter�s room last week and you�ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn�t even know that she had a penis!�

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine?
A: Knock on the door.

Check this out: guy with poor command of Chinese wants to ask girl out, instead asks for her mum.

http://sinkaporeboy.wix.com/mysite#!Epic-Chinese-fail-results-in-guy-wanting-to-meet-then-gals-mum-instead/c1kod/56d95e9a0cf25a66a53782e9

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

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heard the same joke in similar version

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4 men on boat..American, british, Malaysian, and a Singaporean......boat started�sinking, and only 1 man can be on the boat

all 4 of them looked at each other for a while.� then the American stood up and shouted " in god we trust", he jumped off the boat.

then after the british followed and showed " long live the queen" and jumped off.

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now left the Malaysian and Singaporean looking at each other wonder who will sacrifice ownself.

The Singaporean stood up and shouted "majulah Singapura" and kicked the Malaysian off the boat

Yes Women are Always Right�

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Yes, Yes, we heard this many times...

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"In 1813, women have No Rights

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In 1913, women have Some Rights

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In 2013, women are ALWAYS RIGHT"

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But, But, hold on a bit......

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"If women are always Right & Men are Always Wrong...

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So if a man tells a woman she is right

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Is the man Right or Wrong?!" :a-confused:

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:XD: �if you see this .... its a joke�

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Pak Lah, Tun Mahathir and Najib got arrested for a severe offense in Malaysia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Judge announced:

�It�s my wife�s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping..�

Pak Lah was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: �Please tie a pillow to my back..�

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & Pak Lah had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

Najib was next up. After watching Pak Lah in horror he said smugly: �Please fix two pillows to my back.�

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & Najib was also led away whimpering loudly.

Tun M was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Judge turned to him and said:
�You are the most intelligent and smartest man. For this, you may have two wishes!�

�Thank you, your My Lord and Merciful Judge,� Tun M replied. �In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.�

�Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.� The Judge said to Tun M with an admiring look on his face.

�If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

�And what is your second wish, ?� the Judge asked.

Tun M smiled and said, �Tie Najib to my back� !!! :XD: �

�if you see this .... its a joke�

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Capture76.PNG

Really run out of praises to give you (not a joke :excl: �!)

So You think you KNOW what is�KNOWN and UNKNOWN

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"There are things we KNOW that we KNOW

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There are KNOWN UNKNOWNS.

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That is to say there are things we now KNOWN we DONT KNOW

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There are also UNKNOWNS UNKNOWNS

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There are things we DONT KNOW we DONT KNOW...."

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So even if�we DONT KNOW what we KNOW�about what we�DONT KNOW

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What we think we�KNOW�may be� KNOWN UNKNOWN.� [confused]

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What for free ? � [:(]

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Singapore Woman Chapter is squeezing your salary packet if you try to be funny � <_<

What for free ? �

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Singapore Woman Chapter is squeezing your salary packet if you try to be funny �

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my ex gf use to say "her $ is my $ and my $ is my $"

so does not matter is free or not, just moving $ from left to right pocket. See peasant lausai� [scholar] � ��

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Discretion & Indiscretion & a Smart Alec

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English teacher asked the Class

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"What is the difference between Personal Discretion & Personal Indiscretion"

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Alec, who always fails his English puts up his hand

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"If there are 5 girls whom I am interested in, I will get to know them one by one, go out with them to understand them better

and after many months, I will choose one of them to be my steady�girlfriend and tell the rest we are not compatible. That's called Personal Discretion."

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"But if I date all of them�at the same time�and tell them all that they are my steady�girlfriends without them knowing I have 5 girlfriends.� Thats Personal Indiscretion."

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�"Smart" Alec�finally�"passed" his English [laugh] ��

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If a Man Expects a Woman to be an Angel in his�Life�

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He Must first create a HEAVEN for that single woman he so deeply�Loves� [gorgeous] �

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Wow, Its so Romantic to live happily ever after

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BUT Sir,�we have a problem.....................�

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MEN�usually�crave and itch� [bounce1] � for "SEVEN HEAVENS" :wub: �

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sometimes,

Attached Thumbnails

Since this is a Car forum.

[laugh] � [laugh] [laugh] ��

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Just before the final exam in ?my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

�Can you tell me what grade ?I would need to get on the exam ?to pass the course?� he asked.

I gave him the bad news. �The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.�

�OK,� he said. �And how many points would I need to get a C?�

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin�, I�m not horny � I�m just homesick."

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, �I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.� I wrote back, �Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.�

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

What did the left p*ssy lip say to the right p*ssy lip?

"We used to be really tight until you let that d*ck come between us."

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks. "No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."

A Man finally gave� his Wife a� BIG Diamond Ring for their Anniversary

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After finally received the gift she has always wanted, one would think she would praise him to the tilt every day

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But instead, she stopped speaking to him for the next 3 months.

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Oh no, could the ring be a fake or�not enough carats on the ring?

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No! :a-t2622:

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Her�SILENCE [lipsrsealed] � �was the DEAL!

Some love notes written by nurses for nurses

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Heard this joke at a cocktail party:

Edited by TameDriver, 19 March 2016 - 07:25 PM.

http://singaporeseen...nce-performance

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watch at your own peril :XD:

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation." "A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law". "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother." "This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!" "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"

Heard this joke.....

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Ah Lian got married at a young age�and was very productive and had�9 children

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Her hubby died and she got remarried and had another 7 children

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Her second hubby also subsequently�died and she then had another�5 children with her third husband

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Finally Ah Lian died at a ripe old age

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At her wake, there was�a sign "Finally they are together."

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One mourner asked her relative, "Which hubby is the sign referring to?"

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Her relative innocently replied "Maybe they are referring to her Legs"

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Heard this joke.....

Ah Lian got married at a young age and was very productive and had 9 children

Her hubby died and she got remarried and had another 7 children

Her second hubby also subsequently died and she then had another 5 children with her third husband

Finally Ah Lian died at a ripe old age

At her wake, there was a sign "Finally they are together."

One mourner asked her relative, "Which hubby is the sign referring to?"

Her relative innocently replied "Maybe they are referring to her Legs"

Why don't ah lian give birth to twin?

Then she would need to go through caesar 10x only

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Who says our English is bad? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc

British English vs. S'porean English

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons : I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans : No stock liao.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons : Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans : Hello, who call?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons : Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
S'poreans : S-kew me.

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons : Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me!
S'poreans : No need lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
S'poreans : (pointing at the door) Can ah?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons : Please make yourself right at home.
S'poreans : No need shy shy one lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.
S'poreans : Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons : I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
S'poreans : Don't want lah

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons : Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue .
S'poreans : You siao ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
S'poreans : Shuddup lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?
S'poreans : See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION
Britons : We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
S'poreans : Die liao la!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons : Will someone tell me what has just happened?
S'poreans : Why liddat ah?

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons : This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
S'poreans : Liddat also don't know how to do!

:grin: