person 1: I�m really lucky that I have my library card with me tonight.
person 2: Why?
person 1: Because I am totally checking you out!!
Man: Would you wear shoes if you didn�t have feet?
Woman: No of course not.
Man: Then why do you wear a bra?
What has 140 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk?
My zipper.
I had a wet dreem about someone who looked just like you last night. I pissed myself laughing when I hit you with a car.
Can you empty your pockets please I think you�ve stolen my heart.
If I was an injured baby seal needing shelter and you were a cave would you let me go inside you?
Do you work for a tyre manufacturer because you look like you have a lot of experience with rubber?
Man: Do you think small things are cute?
Woman: Yes
Man: Well that�s a relief because my cock and bank balance are tiny.
If you was a tree and I was a Squirrel, I�d put my nuts in your hole
I wish I could select all of your clothes and press Delete.
I�m new in town, could I have the directions to your house please?
Are your legs like flora? Because I would totally love to spread them.
Is your dad retarded because I think you�re really special?
Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!
Man: What hand do you wipe your bum with?
Woman: Right hand.
Man: Oh really, I use toilet paper.
Do you like blackberries or strawberries because I want to know what type of pancakes to order for�you in the morning.
I think you have something missing in your life and I would love to be the person to fill your gap.
Bald Man: Hi babe, would you like to go for a drink sometime?
Woman: No.. you�re an ugly bald c*nt!!!
Bald Man: I�m not bald, I�m just taller than my hair.
You turn my software into hardware.
If I was a watermelon would you spit or swallow my seed?
Wow you�re so hot I�m gonna put you on my bucket list of things to do.
Hi, me and my friend were just talking and he wondered if you think I�m cute
Hi I�m a chicken farmer. Fancy coming over to my farm to see my cock?
Guy: When does your dad get out of prison?
Girl: He�s not in prison.
Guy: Well if I was your dad I�d be in prison.
Hi how�s it going? I�ve got Alzheimer�s� Are you my girlfriend?
Feel my shirt, it�s made of boyfriend material�
Wow you�re so good looking I wouldn�t mind if you gave me Aids.
An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. Christ she said �you didnt F*ck Me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied �50 yrs ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!
chinese man rings boss �me no work I sick� boss says �when im sick I f*ck my wife try that� 2 hours later chinese man rings back �me better, you got nice house
What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?
If we stick together, we can stop this sh*t.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don�t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
Got sacked from my job yesterday for being a pervert.
I don�t understand why, I�m always hard at work.
3 reasons why you should get a $100 bill tattooed onto your salami.
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can watch your money grow.
3. Every woman loves to blow money.
3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed, in the morning the following conversation takes place.
Man on left: �I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.�
Man on right: �No way, I also had a dream about that as well!�
Man in middle: �That�s funny I had a dream I was skiing.�
Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater. The script clearly said �Enter Juliet from behind�.
Can�t believe I�ve been banned from Walmart. Apparently when the checkout girl said �strip down facing me� she was talking about my credit card.
A recent scientific study has found pregnant women who use vibrators are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters.
I like my women the way I like my coffee, hot wet and filled with cream.
What�s the difference between anal and oral sex?
One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak.
Hi,
I feel so dirty right now, PLEASE DO ME!
Love,
The Dishes
Q. How can you tell when a mechanic has just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q: Why do tampons have no friends?
A: Because they�re stuck up cunts.
Q. How do you confuse an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
Can�t believe I�ve just been banned from using Match.com. Apparently �My dick�, is an inappropriate answer to the question �What do you want most in a woman?�.
How do you find a blind man in the nudest colony?
It ain�t hard.
An attractive lady and an old man are sitting next to each other on a bus, the following conversation takes place.
Lady: Can you help me get something off my breasts please?
Old man: Yeah sure it would be my pleasure, what is it?
Lady: Your eyes
Q. What does oral sex with an ugly women and rock climbing have in common?
A. They�re both more enjoyable if you don�t look down.
My maths teacher asked me a question today at school, �What comes after 69?�
Apparently � mouthwash � isn�t the correct answer.
Waking up to a surprise bj is great but not when you�re in prison.
Q. What did the saggy titty say to the other saggy titty?
A. Lets get support before other people think we are nutts.
A girl only has one heart so playing around with it is wrong, play with her boobs instead, she�s got two of them.
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don�t have any balls to scratch.
Can�t believe my website which teaches children how to play guitar has now been blocked by�Google and removed from the search results to prevent child abuse� On reflection maybe naming my website fingeringkids.com was a bad idea.
A recent scientific study has found that 9/10 men prefer big boobs. The other man prefers the 9 men.
I went to the doctors today to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.
What do you call a lesbian with long finger nails?
Single
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
Asda have reported a 300% increase in cucumber sales since the book �Fifty Shades of Grey� was released.
I�m not saying my ex is a slag but if c*cks could fly her mouth would be an airport.
They say in show business never work with children or animal. That�s especially true when making adult movies.
The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while in bed.
Husband: �Can I try going through your back door tonight?�
Wife: �F*ck that sh*t!�
Husband: �Thats the spirit!�
What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A clit round the ear and a flap across the face.
Went to the dentist today and he told me I had to stop touching myself. I said �What�s that got to do with my teeth?�. He said �Nothing but I just find it really distracting�.
Two homosexuals walking by the beach see a dog lick his own balls. The following conversation takes place.
Man 1: �I�d like to be able do that!�
Man 2: �Me too �. but I�m scared he might bite!�
3 similarities between the World Cup and having sex.
1. People take their shirts off and hug each other quite a lot.
2. Brazilians always look good.
3. You often see a lot of dribbling in the box.
Q. Why do blonde women get confused in the toilet?
A. Because they have to pull their own pants down.
Q. What do you call a group of lesbian cucumber farmers?
A. Squatters
Got really bad sunburn yesterday so I decided to take Viagra. It doesn�t cure it but it really helps when sleeping to keep the bedsheets off my legs.
A 10yr old boy returns home and tells his parents, �I've just had sex with my English teacher!�
Outraged the mother storms out the room, while the father says �well done son, im going to get you that bike you wanted!
No thanks dad, after all that sex the saddle will no doubt hurt my arse.�
Q. Why is the penis the saddest part of the human body?
A. Because its hair is a mess, its best friend is a pussy and its next door neighbor is an a**hole.
Can�t believe how sexist my local gym is. They cancelled my membership because they said apparently �men aren�t allowed in the female shower rooms�.
Got a really nasty injury today from a mouse trap I didn�t see. That�s the last time I ever do push-ups in the nude.
Q. What does an airport and a prostitute have in common?
A. They both ask you to put your liquids into a little plastic bag.
When you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it called rape � or shoplifting?
Q. Who has the best business model someone who deals drugs or a stripper?
A. A stripper because she can wash her crack and sell it again.
I�ve got nothing against gays but I wish they would stop sending me junk mail about �free cavity filling�.
Q. What was the first thing that Adam said when Eve was created?
A. �Ha ha ha, looks like yours has fallen off.�
Q. Why is a pair of trousers with the pockets cut out the best present you can give a teenage boy?
A. Because it�s something to wear and something to play with at the same time.
Why do blondes not talk while making love? Their moms told them not to talk to strangers.
What does a woman and a bank account have in common?
Once you withdraw you lose interest.
Q. What�s the most intelligent thing to come out of a woman�s mouth?
A. Einstein�s c*ck.
Did you hear about the man with square testickles? He had cubic hairs.
When I was younger I used to think I was gay but then I found out that playing with yourself doesn�t count.
Got served in McDonalds earlier today by a really attractive girl. She asked me �I can make it large for you for 30p extra if you like?�. I replied �You already have, how bout you come into the toilets and finish me off for an extra �2?�.
I used to be a gynecologist but I had to quit due to health reasons. I kept getting tunnel vision.
Slept like a baby last night. I kept waking up every few hours to suck on some titties.
Q: What did the left beaver lip say to the right?
A: We used to be so tight before that holiday to Jamaica!
What do coffee beans and woman have in common?
They�re both useless until their wet.
What�s the only thing Jim couldn�t fix?���your daughter�s hymen
Q: What do you call a Russian prostitute who charges too much?
A: Vagisdear Disputin
Can�t believe how much money I�ve let slip through my fingers. Just seen a poster saying that they pay $30 for sperm donations.
Found my first grey pubic hair today� It was in a kebab!
What�s the first symptom of AIDS? Sharp stabbing pain in the ass.
Q. Why do gay Christians love cannabis?
A. Because the bible says that men who sleep together should be stoned.
What�s the biggest cause of pedophilia?
Sexy kids
After my niece returned from ?her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. �What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?� I asked.
�Nothing,� she said. �I�ve been sandblasted.�
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
�A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.
"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"
"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her c**t, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the f**k did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still f**king talking aren't you?"
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
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