Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't a chicken.
Q: What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
A: Bugs bunny.
Q: How do fish get high?
A: Seaweed.
Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A: They have cotton balls.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens didn't exist yet.
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "Cute, cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles. The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.
What do you do with a dog that doesn�t have any legs? You take him for a drag.
Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
A: Because the cows have horns.
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don�t know; I got hard and fell."
Redhead: "You ever smelled moth balls?"
Blonde: "Yes, I think they smell good."
Redhead: "Wow, I can't believe you got your nose between those tiny legs."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!
Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.
Q: Why shouldn't you have a gay monkey and a gay squirrel in the same tree?
A: Because the monkey will go bananas over the squirrel's nuts.
What is the difference between a cat and a dog? Dogs think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so they must be Gods. Cats think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so I must be God."
Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
A: Put up a Bingo sign.
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.
Q: Why cant you hear a pterodactyl pee? A: Because the "p" is silent.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"
A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy are we poisonous?" The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?" The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.
Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.
Q: A cowboy left Montana to go to Texas on Friday and came back on Friday. How did he do it?
A: He named his horse Friday.
It�s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.
Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"
A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no vodka." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.
Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
A: Its butt.
A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them."
The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world?
A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.
Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the farmer cross the road? To get his dick out of the chicken!
Q: What do you call an deep sea Transformer?
A: Octopus Prime!
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out fire.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
Q: What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence?
A: Time to fix the fence.
A man's big rottweiler has been losing its vision, so the owner brings the dog to the vet. The veterinarian picks the dog up and says, "I will have to put him down." The owner asks, "Why? Because he's blind?" The vet replies, "No, he's heavy. I need to put him down."
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why don't Batman and Robin go fishing?
A: Because Robin eats all the worms.
Edited by Byteslurve, 24 June 2015 - 12:04 PM.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twat. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he�s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."
Q: What do you call a duck that steals?
A: A Robber Duck.
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: "Odor in the court!"
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads �Talking Dog for Sale.� Intrigued, he walks in. �So what have you done with your life?� he asks the dog. �I've led a very full life,� says the dog. �I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.� The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog�s owner, �Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?� The owner says, �Because he�s a liar! He never did any of that!�
Why are sharks mostly salt water creatures? Because pepper would make them sneeze.
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can get free drinks for the rest of the night." The man walks over, says something to the horse, it laughs, and he walks back over to the bar to collect his free drinks. The next night, the man goes back to the bar and the bartender asks the man if he can make the horse cry. The man walks over, does something to the horse, and it starts to cry. The bartender asks, "How did you make it cry?" The man replies, "Well, to make the horse laugh last night I told it I had a bigger dick and to make it cry tonight I showed it."
Dog: "You're such an ass."
Donkey: "Bitch, please."
Q: Why did the duck go to jail?
A: Because he got caught selling quack.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.
Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A: "It's pasture bedtime."
An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."
I went to a hot dog stand with my pet snake. I said," May I please have a hot dog for my snake?" The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of buns." I said, "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!"
Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a vacuum?
A: A cocksucker.
Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey.
Q: Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? A: No, they do everything on porpoise.
What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat? "I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"
Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
A: Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan.
Q: What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
A: A wonkey.
A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible. Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail. The snail says, "Hey man, what did you do that for?!"
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station!
Q: What do you call a bulldog and shih tzu crossbreed?
A: bulls**t.
Q: What does a pig put on its paper cut? A: Oinkment!
Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
A: Sparky.
A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"
Q: Why do milking stools only have three legs?
A: Because the cow�s got the udder!
Q: What does a clam do on its birthday? A: Shellabrate
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
Why did the dog sit in the shade? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!
NASA put a bunch of cows into orbit. They call it the herd shot round the world.
Q: What show do cows love to watch while they're eating?
A: Graze Anatomy.
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A Because they eat everything that bugs them.
A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"
Q: What do you call a T-Rex's bruise? A: A dino-sore.
Two flys are out on a date, so they go out on the town and see fresh dog poop on the side of the road. They rush down and start feasting, when one of the flies stops and has the biggest relieved face. The other fly asks, "Are you okay?" The fly responds with a squirmish smile and the other fly smells something funky and says, "Dude, how rude! You fart while I'm eating!"
Q: How did the frog die?
A: He Kermit suicide.
Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.
Q: Did you hear about the promiscuous reptile?
A: It got gator AIDS.
Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Q: What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A: A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.
Q: What do you call a man attacked by a cat?
A: Claude.
Q: What animal should you never play cards with?
A: A cheetah.
Q: Where does a cow go on vacation? A: An aMOOsement park.
What is green and red and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender.
What was the greatest dictator in the ocean? Adolphin Hitler.
Q: What do you call a famous fish?
A: A star fish.
A crab walks into a bar and asks for something to drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we do not serve food."
Q: What is the difference between OJ Simpson and the Lion King?
A: The Lion King is an African lion and OJ is a lyin' African.
Q: Why did the bunny go to the hospital? A: For a hoperation.
Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal!
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