A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.
In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."
To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her, right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cycle path."
Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl. The other man replies, Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance.
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
So what did she say? asks the friend.
The drunk responded, She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in.
Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone,
I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener." The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for? The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man.
The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again. So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog. The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her. His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table. The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?" The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're going to get the f**k outta here."
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here� and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends." "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve. "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the john while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the john. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounder like his partner screaming, so he went into the john to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said, �You dumbest, you're sitting on the mop bucket".
A rather confident man walks into a bar and grabs a stool next to a gorgeous woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?
No, he replies. I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and am testing it.
The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?
It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.
What's it telling you now? she asks.
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.
The woman giggles and replies, Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!
The man gasps and taps his watch, Damn thing must be an hour fast.
Hehe yeah have to bring my babies out for family day
Nice one bro
cheers bro
A very dumb blonde was having trouble keeping Her jaw shut..So she decided to stick a popsicle in Her mouth so no one would notice...When men started to watch Her the blonde took out the popsicle and said "Cool, infaltable pants!"
What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The nuns said agreed to purchase four.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?"
he asked.
"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer.
"I got laid when I was three."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don't remember. I was drunk."
This cute guys finally gets this hot girl to go out with him but he has to find a date for her friend. He agrees because the date is 2 days away. To his surprise none of his friends could make it so he asks his retarded brother. The brother says' "I wouldn't know what to do."
The other brother says, "Just do what I do."
So the brother agrees. The night of the date they drive out to Lover's Point. The brother jumps in the back seat with his girlfriend while the retard jumps in the front seat. He watches as his brother puts his hand down the front of the girl's shirt, the retard does the same. He watches his brother puts his hand between the girl's legs, the retard does the same. But to his surprise its wet so he quickly pulls away his hand is now bloody. So the retard pulls the girl to the front of the car and pulls out a first aid kit. He pulls down her pants and says "I'd be bleeding too if someone cut off my penis."
A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday.
The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad."
The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we`ll see next year," says the father.
The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year.
On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!"
The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son."
The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right."
At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore.
All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs.
"What the f**k are you doing son?" yells the father.
"Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I`m sorry sir, but I am blind and can`t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I`ll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man`s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to His nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that`s what I`ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner`s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats His meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I`m the blind man."
"I`m sorry, I didn`t recognize you. I`ll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells His wife that the next time the blind man comes in he`s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells His wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to His nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn`t know that Mary worked here?"
Two gals lived next door to each other, and, were good friends. Every morning, after their husbands left for work and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and have coffee together, smoking and talking.
One morning, one turned to the other and said, "do you smoke after you`ve had sex?"
The friend looked a bit blank for a minute then responded, "Don`t know, never looked!!"
Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of Her vacation sunbathing on the roof of Her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed Her glasses for an even facial tan.
After several days she decided that no one could see Her way up there, so she slipped out of Her suit for an overall tan. She`d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on Her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over Her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn`t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I`m covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You`re lying on the dining room skylight!"
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The nuns said agreed to purchase four.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."
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kudos to your endeavor.
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But this one is particularly tasteless.
The Income Tax Office asked a prostitute why she put her occupation as Chicken Farmer ?
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She replied, "I raised 5,000 cocks last year"
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There are 3 Males & 1 female pencils in a box.
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The female pencil get pregnant.
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Which male pencil is responsible?
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The 1 without the 'rubber'
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The Income Tax Office asked a prostitute why she put her occupation as Chicken Farmer ?
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She replied, "I raised 5,000 cocks last year"
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Man I love this one lols
Been busy these few days, so never contribute but I still want to say a big thank you for those who loves this thread.
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THANK YOU
Been busy these few days, so never contribute but I still want to say a big thank you for those who loves this thread.
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THANK YOU
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Busy preparing for GE .... ![[sly]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_tPT8eKERKwQ1HLQY3-4mpblSjkGlWvPKmH_mjt0rMBT08-ixKtHcppTo2UxXx8w9sua21f6wLGsS4yUv8eR1mXDOvQZLSsVfUosKPskbZFc-RbRj7UcLCsCGYC2i2JOuPZk5k=s0-d)
You know why I don't eat clocks?
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It is too time-consuming.
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Busy preparing for GE ....
![[thumbsup]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_ucUigl6dqWV4mJXTlc-UWpGTcLmNwNTlUZ_t5Y2rafcIZgEaXIF6uMJLdOH0g2DhXh893o0SBgF9WZ6t0ZkrsxkqaIkOAXxUpKEJVeJZ9zk7DmY4P6Hz0FCpLpEsETaZ3hXTeqY8hC=s0-d)
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, �This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.� The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, �Which do you want, son?� The boy takes the quarters and leaves. �What did I tell you?� said the barber. �That kid never learns!� Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. �Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?� The boy licked his cone and replied, �Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!�
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what�s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go �roof�." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I�m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he�d like to eat. "I�ll have some f**kin� French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f**kin� French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don�t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don�t want the f**kin� French toast."
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won�t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here�s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they�ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don�t forget the coffee!"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he�s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That�s not surprising," the elders say. "You�ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says �Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He�s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It�s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-f**king-believable!"
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It�s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f**k around?"
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here�s that $20 I owe you," he says
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn�t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
I can�t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they�re dead.
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we�re givin� you fair warnin�. Anything you do to that chicken, we�re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it.
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