Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Did you hear about the two bald guys who put their heads together? They made an ass out of themselves!
I saw a midget hooker on the way home from work yesterday!!! I see "working girls' all the time but never this one. It was a bit of a shock. I came home and told my son about it. Without even thinking he said "is she half price?"
I saw a midget hooker on the way home from work yesterday!!! I see "working girls' all the time but never this one. It was a bit of a shock. I came home and told my son about it. Without even thinking he said "is she half price?"
�
�Bro, you working in Geylang area� 
�
�
A blonde girl is at a ventriloquist act. The ventriloquist starts to tell a bunch of blonde jokes and everybody in the room is laughing hysterically.
The blonde girl stands up and yells "Hey jerk! Not all blondes are dumb. You need to stop with the cheap jokes!"
The ventriloquist says "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
The blonde interrupts him "Stay out of it! I was talking to the little man on your leg."
Three girls are sitting together at a bar: a blonde, a brunette, and a girl with green hair. A man walks up to them and says "You girls have beautiful hair. Do you dye it?"
The blonde looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
The brunette looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
Finally the green haired girl sneezes into her hand and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.
But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"
�A blind man walks into a bar and sits for a while with nobody talking to him. He says "Anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender tells him "Before you tell it I just want to let you know there is a cage fighting blonde on one side of you and a large blonde softball player on the other side. I'm also a blonde and I can bench 300 pounds. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Obviously not! I don't have time to explain the joke 3 times."
Two brothers, Timmy and Tommy, are very mischievous so they are sent to a religious reform school.
Almost immediately Timmy gets in trouble and is sent to the principle's office. The large principle looks at Timmy and asks "Do you know where God is?" Timmy's eyes get large but he doesn't say a word. The principle asks again louder "Do you know where God is?!" Timmy suddenly runs out of the room screaming.
Tommy discovers his brother crying in the corner of their room and asks him "What's wrong?"
Timmy responds "They don't know where God is and they think I took him!"
Three men are sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. The nurse approaches the first one and says "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The man says "That's strange, I work for the Minnesota Twins."
The nurse comes back and approaches the second man "Your wife had quadruplets sir!"
The man says "Wow! I work for Foursquare."
The last man starts to cry so the nurse asks him "What's wrong sir?"
The man replies "I work for 84 lumber!"
A woman is pulled over and the officer asks her for her license. He looks at it and says "Ma'm, your license says you should be wearing glasses?"
The woman replies "I have contacts sir."
The officer gets mad and yells "I don't care who you know, you're getting a ticket!"
Two cupcakes are in the oven together cooking and one of them says "If we don't get out of here alive, I love you man."
The other cupcake says "Oh my gosh... A talking cupcake!"
Two blondes are standing on a balcony staring at the moon. One asks the other, "What do you think is closer, the moon or California?"
The other one replies, "Can you see Florida from here?"
Attached Thumbnails
Attached Thumbnails
Just to share a joke, a true conversation I heard when I was young� I find it very funny and remember till now.
�
2 salesgirl were talking when I was shopping in Oriental Emporium in AMK.� I overheard Salesgirl A complaining to her colleague that her mum keep brewing Chicken leg soup for her to drink.� Salesgirl B asked her why.�
�
Salesgirl A replied that cos "yi xing bu xing," ma ?????? ma.� You never heard ????? meh?
�
Then salesgirl B replied then I must drink more milk and eat more chicken liao.� Cos ????, ???? ma.
�
I can't helped but laughed upon hearing her.
Customer: "Sorry but can you help me to hang this back onto the rack?"
Sales Girl: "Please go hang yourself."
A guy walks up the "Visa on arrival" counter at the Bangkok International Airport. He presents two passports with 2000 baht cash and says, "Two visas. For me and my wife. Here are the passports and cash."
�
The officer at the counter says, "Extra 2000 bahts please." The man asks him, "Why extra?" Says the officer, "We charge corkage for bringing your own wife to Thailand."
�
![[laugh]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vNirKq48d7IlXZNvPI_2ISQ8ny9vqLTetXmpiLQi3i5DssbD4JnCMYQfydy8OItZk8r-WWEpqAno0I0sFjk2rHl66gheVG54-c7XiZJzc9ivUY4pSJVAXse3Q8MvAzESGnTvArxg=s0-d)
Yo momma is so old, I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on the back of the bus it did a wheelie.
Yo momma's so smelly, that when she spread her legs, I got seasick.
Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.
Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV.
Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?"
Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
Edited by Byteslurve, 20 June 2016 - 04:10 PM.
There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."
There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."
Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: Because they don't know where home is.
The words election and erection are spelled similarly.
They both have the same meaning too: a dick rising to power.
Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Yo mamma's so stupid, she thought Free Willy was a porno film.
Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!
''Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"
Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!
Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!
Q. Why did the apple run away?
A. Because the banana split!
Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.
Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Yo mama's hair is so full of dandruff, when she shook her head, the principal called a snow day.
Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Marty: "He was kicked out of school for cheating!"
Wade: "How come?"
Marty: "He was caught counting his ribs in a biology exam."
Dancer: "Say, can't you stretch the music a little longer -- just a dance or two more?
Band Leader: "Sorry, Sir. This isn't a rubber band."
Sergeant (after a War Game): "Private Jones, didn't you realize you were exposing yourself to an imaginary enemy only 250 yards away?"
Private Jones: "That's right, Sergeant. I was standing behind that imaginary rock 25 feet high!"
"As we have learned," said the teacher, "the former ruler of Russia was called a Czar, and his wife was called a Czarina. Now who can tell me what the Czar's children were called?"
A little boy at the back of the class piped up and said, "Czardines!"
"Now boys," said the teacher, "tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first Tommy."
"Taurus, the Bull."
"Right. Now you Harry, another one."
"Cancer the Crab."
"Right again. Now Sammy it's your turn."
The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment and then blurted out, "Mickey the Mouse!"
Teacher: "Give me a sentence with an object."
Pupil: "You're very beautiful, teacher."
Teacher: "What's the object?"
Pupil: "A good grade!"
Teacher: "Give me an example of a collective noun."
Student: "Garbage can."
An English teacher, troubled by the unwillingness of boys in her class to take any interest in composition, attempted to arouse them by asking for a description of a baseball game. It was a fortunate idea for most of the boys were eager to tell what they knew about the sport.
Only one lanky fellow disappointed the teacher's hopes. He chewed on his pencil for a few moments before he scratched a few words and turned in his paper. On the paper he wrote ..."Rain. No Game."
A duck, a frog and a skunk wanted to go to the movies. The admission was one dollar. Which one of the three couldn't afford to go?
Answer: The skunk. Why?
The duck had a bill. The frog had a greenback. But the skunk only had a scent.
�
�
There were three stores in a row. One day the first store owner in the row put up a sign reading, "FIRE SALE." Then the third man in the row put up a sign reading, "BANKRUPTCY SALE."
The man in the middle surveyed his neighbor's signs for a while and then came out with one of his own which read: "MAIN ENTRANCE."
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A magician seeking bookage at Radio City Music Hall asserted, "I've got a trick that will panic them."
"What is it?" asked the manager.
"I saw a woman in half," announced the magician proudly.
"You call that a new trick? Scoffed the manager. "Why they've been doing that around here for years."
"Oh yeah, "snapped the magician. "but LENGTHWISE?"
�A second grade teacher tells us that the Women's Lib movement is reaching down into the grade schools. The girls refuse to answer questions when Dick has more apples than Jane.
Teacher: Can you tell me one year and the number of tons of coal shipped out of the United States in that year?
Student Raises his hand: "Yes, I can. The year is 1498 and there the number of tons is zero!"
Dog here to protect us�
When my three-year-old was told ?to pee in a cup at the doctor�s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With ?a shaking voice, he asked, �Do I have to drink it?�
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for ?our wedding photos when he asked, �Have you ever modeled?�
My cheeks instantly turned red. �No, I haven�t,� I said. �But I always thought ��
The photographer interrupted me: �I meant him.�
My high school assignment ?was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served ?in the Philippines during the war, ?I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, �Did you ever kill anyone?�
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, �Probably. I was the cook.�
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
"And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?� asks mother.
"Come on mom, the most important thing is that I�m healthy!�
�
Part 2... MCF limits 10 pic/post
Woman: You are wrong! Women like men with traights they like.
Poor man: So what kind men do you like?
Woman: I like men with lots of money!
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, �You are back early, what�s wrong?� �I was stung by a bee!� she said. �Where?� he asked. �Between the first and second hole.� she replied. He nodded and said, �Your stance is far too wide.�
A man asks, �God, why did you make woman so beautiful?�
God responded, �So you would love her.� The man asks, �But God, why did you make her so dumb?�
God replied, �So she would love you.�
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn�t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn�t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I�ve ever had! That's a real talent you�re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl�"�����������
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A boy asks his dad, �What�s the difference between potential and realistic?� The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they�d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he�d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, �A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!� He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, �Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he�s the hottest guy ever!� Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, �A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I�d be rich!� When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family�s responses, the dad says, �Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.�
Women are like rocks. They're only cool after they get wet.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"�����������
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.
A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it?
The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
Why did God create men?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Q: Why do Asians women have small breasts?
A: Because their parents only allow A's.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
One day three women went for a job interview. The man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra �50 in on your paycheck that you shouldn�t have received? The first one said, �I�d give it back as it wasn�t mine and I wasn�t entitled to it.� When he asked the second one she replied, �I�d give it to Charity.� When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, �I�d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.� Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits!
Q: Why are women's feet so small?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink while washing dishes.
What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one of them turns to the other one and asks, "Hey, isn't that Hortense?" The other drunk chimes in and says, "No, she looks pretty relaxed to me."
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband. They all say the same thing - "Take mine."
A boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between a woman and a slave?" His father replies, "I don't know, what?" His son says, "No, I was asking a question."
What do women and screen doors have in common?
The more you bang them, the looser they get.
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.
The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof.
Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof.
Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof
What did God say when he made the first black man? "Damn, I burnt one."
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, �Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?� The dad replies, �Why do you want to know, son?� �Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!�
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, �Look Mama, I�m a white boy!� His mother smacks him and says, �Go tell your Daddy what you just said!� The boy finds his father and says, �Look Daddy, I�m a white boy!� His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, �Now, what do you have to say for yourself?� The boy replies, �I�ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!�
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, �Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?�
The dad replies, �Why do you want to know, son?�
�Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!�
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."
Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
Edited by Byteslurve, 11 July 2016 - 05:04 PM.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."�
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Edited by Byteslurve, 11 July 2016 - 05:18 PM.
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."
Edited by Byteslurve, 11 July 2016 - 05:19 PM.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl.
"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.
A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past."
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?�
A: It's okay. He woke up.
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