�
�
Q. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A. A clock!
�
Q. What is the easiest way to double your money?
A. Put it in front of the mirror of course!
�
Q. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive?
A. A glove.
�
Q. What has to be broken before you can use it?
A. An egg.
�
Q. What has a neck but no head?
A. A bottle.
�
Q. What gets wetter as it dries?
A. A towel.
�
Q. What goes up and doesn�t come back down?
A. Your age.
�
Q. What belongs to you but is used more by others?
A. Your name.
�
Q. Everyone has it and no one can lose it, what is it?
A. A shadow.
�
Q. It�s been around for millions of years, but it�s no more than a month old. What is it?
A. The moon.
Q. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A. A clock!
�
Q. What is the easiest way to double your money?
A. Put it in front of the mirror of course!
�
Q. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive?
A. A glove.
�
Q. What has to be broken before you can use it?
A. An egg.
�
Q. What has a neck but no head?
A. A bottle.
�
Q. What gets wetter as it dries?
A. A towel.
�
Q. What goes up and doesn�t come back down?
A. Your age.
�
Q. What belongs to you but is used more by others?
A. Your name.
�
Q. Everyone has it and no one can lose it, what is it?
A. A shadow.
�
Q. It�s been around for millions of years, but it�s no more than a month old. What is it?
A. The moon.
A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me.
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"
A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years.
So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"
She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"
Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers. His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few. His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them. His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"
Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"
A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.
The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."
Emma didn't get very much sleep last night so she kept falling asleep at Sunday school. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"
The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"
The teacher told her, "Good job!" and continued with the lesson.
Soon after the teacher asked Emma another question, "Who died for our sins?"
Again she is sleeping so Joey pokes her. She wakes up and yells, "Jesus Christ!"
The teacher praises her again and continues.
Not much time passes and the teacher asks Emma, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"
Joey pokes her and she yells, "If you put that thing near me again, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"
A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them "Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh historically. God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
A blonde woman goes to a shoe store and wants to buy some alligator shoes, but becomes angry when she sees the price. She storms out of the store saying, "I'm going to catch an alligator and get my own pair of shoes!" The shopkeeper laughs as he watches her leave.
Later as the shopkeeper is driving home, he sees the blonde in a swamp on the side of the road. A 10-foot alligator is swimming right at her but she swiftly knocks the alligator out. She drags it onto some grass where there are a dozen other knocked out alligators. She flips it over and yells, "Ah! This one's barefoot too!"
A man is getting into a nice warm bath to relax. Once he is situated he hears the doorbell ring. He is mad but he gets up and dries off. As he is walking to the door he falls to the ground hurting his back. When he finally gets to the door the person at the door says "Oh, sorry. I think I'm at the wrong house."
The man is angry so he yells "Are you serious?"
The person at the door replies "Chill out man, you need to take a hot bath or something."
A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says "Mam, you realize you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous."
She responds "Isn't the speed limit 33?"
Laughing the cop says "No man, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit." He looks into the back of the car and the women are frightened. He asks "What's wrong with them?"
The lady says "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."
A church puts out a wanted ad for somebody to ring their bell each day. A man with no arms replies to the want ad. The priest asks him "How can you ring a bell with no arms?"
The man runs into the bell face first and the bell rings loud and beautifully. The priest gives him the job. One day he misses the bell though and falls to his death. The priest and several other people come to the man's side and one of them says "Who is he?"
The priest replies "I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."
A pastor is standing before his congregation, "It has come to my attention that somebody has been telling lies about me. Somebody has been saying I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. This is simply not true! Who has been telling this lie?"
Everybody is silent for a while. He speaks again, "Come on now, face your sins so you can be forgiven!"
Suddenly a drop dead gorgeous blonde rises and says, "I think somebody misunderstood me. I've been telling people that you are a wizard in the sheets."
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent comes up to him and says, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"
The old rancher replies, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he points at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snaps at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With this he pulls out his badge and shoves it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugs this off and continues with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he hears a loud scream from the field he pointed out earlier. Suddenly he sees the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels. The rancher rushes to the fence and yells "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
Customer: The new one I bought from you sucks more than the old one!
Customer service: I'm glad to hear you are satisfied with your new vacuum sir.
Three girls are sitting together at a bar: a blonde, a brunette, and a girl with green hair. A man walks up to them and says "You girls have beautiful hair. Do you dye it?"
The blonde looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
The brunette looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
Finally the green haired girl sneezes into her hand and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
A blonde girl is at a ventriloquist act. The ventriloquist starts to tell a bunch of blonde jokes and everybody in the room is laughing hysterically.
The blonde girl stands up and yells "Hey jerk! Not all blondes are dumb. You need to stop with the cheap jokes!"
The ventriloquist says "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
The blonde interrupts him "Stay out of it! I was talking to the little man on your leg."
A woman is pulled over and the officer asks her for her license. He looks at it and says "Ma'm, your license says you should be wearing glasses?"
The woman replies "I have contacts sir."
The officer gets mad and yells "I don't care who you know, you're getting a ticket!"
Two brothers, Timmy and Tommy, are very mischievous so they are sent to a religious reform school.
Almost immediately Timmy gets in trouble and is sent to the principle's office. The large principle looks at Timmy and asks "Do you know where God is?" Timmy's eyes get large but he doesn't say a word. The principle asks again louder "Do you know where God is?!" Timmy suddenly runs out of the room screaming.
Tommy discovers his brother crying in the corner of their room and asks him "What's wrong?"
Timmy responds "They don't know where God is and they think I took him!"
Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.
But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"
Three men are sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. The nurse approaches the first one and says "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The man says "That's strange, I work for the Minnesota Twins."
The nurse comes back and approaches the second man "Your wife had quadruplets sir!"
The man says "Wow! I work for Foursquare."
The last man starts to cry so the nurse asks him "What's wrong sir?"
The man replies "I work for 84 lumber!"
Two cupcakes are in the oven together cooking and one of them says "If we don't get out of here alive, I love you man."
The other cupcake says "Oh my gosh... A talking cupcake!"
A pregnant woman asked her boss if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling too well. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "Can't, didn't, won't, shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't!"
The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"
The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."
The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"
The man tells him, "About $200 a week."
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"
One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."
*Man rubs a genie's lamp*
Genie: I am a genie, I will grant any one wish you wish.
Man: Okay. I want infinite wishes!
Genie: Come on, you know the rules. You can't do that.
Man: Okay. Could you make it so I understand women?
Genie: Infinite wishes it is!
A man's guide to woman� 
�
My friend shared with us how good is his new phone, which is able to survive a fall from 4th storey. All of us find it unvelievable and ask for more details.
�
"Oh, luckily I just activated the Airplane mode before the phone falls..."
�
�
When I am feeling down .. I will come in here to appreciate the jokes...
laughed it out and de-stress ....
�
Thanks to everyone here :))
Sharing :
�
It's always very hard to wait for the right partner in life, especially when the wrong ones are very attractive !
�
Oops
this weekend is over
�
this weekend is over
a04.jpg
Don't remind me
Arrgggg ... Better sleep early to recharge for another Monday blues ....
Joke of the day...
thought I brought along my bread for breakfast, then realize when I reached office, that I forgot to put inside my bag ... hungry now, but its small matter when I probably ganna�chiding from wifey later ....
Monday blues liao
�
Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be�so down in the mouth."
"It's my five-year-old son,�Little Johnny"�the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's�just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said�the bartender, sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse. ��He got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant.�
�That�s impossible!� gasped the bartender.
�No, it�s not.� Said Dave.��The little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms.�
One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him:
"Tell me what happened to your back...?"
The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.
I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him.
It was very heavy...
That is how I strained my back.!"
Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad..
But you look terrible..
What the hell happened to you ?"
He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.
Today was the first day at my new job...
I forgot to set my alarm and I was late...
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time.
And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me...!!!"
Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell.
The doctor is shocked.
He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??"
The patient replies:
"Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge.........."
�
�
7 Days of Smiles
�
�MONDAY
�
�The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
�
�Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family�s status, she consulted the family doctor.
�
�The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.� He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
�
�Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
�The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
�
�"Oh, Mom! You don't have to worry about that!� I'm dating Mary!"
�
�
TUESDAY
�
�A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.� He said, "Preacher, I�ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.� Damned good!"
�
�The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
�
�The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
�
�The preacher said, "No shit?"
�
�WEDNESDAY
�
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.� With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
�
�After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes.� That should solve the problem."
�
�The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
�"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "for me?"
�
�"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
�
�
THURSDAY
�
�One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
� She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
�
�Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
�
�"Your Honour,"she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
�
�FRIDAY
�
�A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
����������������������������������������������������������
�"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
�
�Red meat is awful.� Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.� Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
�
�High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.�
�
However, there is one thing that�s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
�
�Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
�
�After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
�
�SATURDAY
�
�Bob, a spry 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob�s arm and listens intently to his every word.
�
�His buddies at the club are all astonished.� At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how�d you get the trophy girlfriend?�
�
�Bob replied, "Girlfriend?� She's my wife!���
��������������������������������������������������������
They're knocked over, but continue to ask:� "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?�� "I lied about my age," Bob replied.� "What?� Did you tell her you were only 50?"
�
�Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."
�
�SUNDAY
�
�Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.� She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
�
�These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."�
�
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
�
�A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
�
�
�
�
![[laugh]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_s5-8P0dfWruwjLjEBiZbJlUyTxqXUuzEr2UVTdQ7pnL8Y0ZGouZk_pDu_aJpn7yvhgXREu1V-C0cwXyR-d1SpFf77zlipQ-T-rbm07QdK_yROsvQL45E-BHtAAseHC6oCF3WaTyQ=s0-d)
Eh .... This one is real .... No joke, I JUST post to make everyone dream lah!
Attached Thumbnails
Edited by BanCoe, 08 April 2016 - 05:23 PM.
Eh .... This one is real .... No joke, I JUST post to make everyone dream lah!
�
Eh .... This one is real .... No joke, I JUST post to make everyone dream lah!
� ![[thumbsup]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uHbaCVCjQvi54MwYZ-ClYFXHQWyKW40uCig-v71bM6KaKv-8qcu8qtluVxreOt8LS1_KMfueTfpUfK23zE3LaqfqG4vtFA_OC5kBSTVKshLXemmgq8Kuz2eDA_E-531j9mElJHCInr=s0-d)
Edited by Byteslurve, 09 April 2016 - 10:15 PM.
�
�
Eh .... This one is real .... No joke, I JUST post to make everyone dream lah!
�
�
Erm......2 woman under same roof?.......It is a nightmare...not a dream..
�
�
�
Staff69 read book liddis
You watch out I have learned the way
So true..
�
jialat�
�
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. �You�ll get your chance in court.� said the Desk Sergeant. �No, no no!� said the man. �I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I�ve been trying to do that for years!�
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
A little boy says, �Dad, I�ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn�t know his wife until he marries her.� �Son,� says the dad. �That happens everywhere.�
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room." She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that." The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference." She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
�
�
�
�
�
Why is football played for 45 minutes in each half?
Sepp Blatter 
Even the so called sports analysts, sports scientists and soccer legends do not know why.
Just to help out you and all those who do not know, here is the answer:
There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team i.e. 22 players.
Each player brings his own 2 balls (hidden in his sports underwear)!
So in total there are 2 times 22 equals 44 balls.
There is one ball on the ground itself, being played. Thus the grand total is 45.
That's the answer!!!!
Of course, sometimes there is extra time of 2 mins - (which is the referee's balls!) ![[:p]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uoFdwDfFC8QZf6bTE2TAGeRKHSG6-vZYH2xnctYj5L9MoADc3Oo3W0-j_0uIi4exT_migCweKXwTfBIkcUM8719J9FH4k4f3snSJnNHGjPufofayobX-NmDF_eJBd5U5tMuVmopxM=s0-d)
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!" Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations." To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
A man says to his friend, �I haven�t spoken to my wife in 18 months.� The friend says, �Why not?� The man says, �I don�t like to interrupt her.�
Three friends from the local�congregation were asked, "When�you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would�you like them to say?"�
�
Artie said, "I would like them to�say I was a wonderful husband, a�fine spiritual leader, and a�great family man."
�
Eugene commented, "I would like�them to say I was a wonderful�teacher and servant of God who�made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say,�'Look, he's moving!'"
Edited by Still2016, 18 April 2016 - 04:45 PM.
"Fred, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
�
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
�
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
�
Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
�
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
�
Edited by lausai88, 19 April 2016 - 09:42 PM.
��������������������������������������� �I was in the six item express��
���������������������������������������� lane at the store quietly fuming.
�����������������������������������������Completely ignoring the sign, the
�����������������������������������������woman ahead of me had slipped
�����������������������������������������into the check-out line pushing a
�����������������������������������������cart piled high with groceries.
�����������������������������������������Imagine my delight when the
�����������������������������������������cashier beckoned the woman to
�����������������������������������������come forward looked into the cart
�����������������������������������������and asked sweetly, "So which six
�����������������������������������������items would you like to buy?"
�����������������������������������������Wouldn't it be great if that
�����������������������������������������happened more often?
���������������������������������������� All eyes were on the radiant
�����������������������������������������bride as her father escorted her
�����������������������������������������down the aisle. They reached the
�����������������������������������������altar and the waiting groom.
�����������������������������������������
���������������������������������������� The�bride kissed her father and
�����������������������������������������placed something in his hand.
�����������������������������������������
���������������������������������������� The guests in the front pews
�����������������������������������������responded with ripples of
�����������������������������������������laughter. Even the priest smiled
�����������������������������������������broadly.
�����������������������������������������As her father gave her away in
�����������������������������������������marriage, the bride gave him back
�����������������������������������������his credit card.
���������������������������������������� All eyes were on the radiant
�����������������������������������������bride as her father escorted her
�����������������������������������������down the aisle. They reached the
�����������������������������������������altar and the waiting groom.�����������������������������������������
���������������������������������������� The�bride kissed her father and
�����������������������������������������placed something in his hand.
��������������������������������������������������������������������������������� The guests in the front pews
�����������������������������������������responded with ripples of
�����������������������������������������laughter. Even the priest smiled
�����������������������������������������broadly.�����������������������������������������As her father gave her away in
�����������������������������������������marriage, the bride gave him back
�����������������������������������������his credit card.
�
And after the exchange of vows and rings,
the Groom passed the bride her sub card he applied.... and everyone present erupt in a burst of applause and cheers.
And after the exchange of vows and rings,
the Groom passed the bride her sub card he applied.... and everyone present erupt in a burst of applause and cheers.
�
With a Credit limit of $200...
![[rolleyes]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vfqE1oO3OkYcje8Q9uhevG3DZbbOZ2kaVdJl_vEicjVcx9cDcyd2XqGq5K6DZYBaPXo46r-q4R4rh90163rQ0zUP5rNr7hUeBIxrmBYaaHKkVhepY3poOH1H8D-OuuyNj4hvu6cwZTjA=s0-d)
���������������������������������������� Because they had no reservations
�����������������������������������������at a busy restaurant, my elderly
�����������������������������������������neighbor and his wife were told
�����������������������������������������there would be a 45 minute wait
�����������������������������������������for a table.
�����������������������������������������"Young man, we're both 90 years
�����������������������������������������old," the husband said. "We may
�����������������������������������������not have 45 minutes."
�����������������������������������������They were seated immediately.
�
�
Funny photoshop pictures
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a black box.
Yo Mama so fat and her teeth are so yellow the only cat calls she gets are "Hey Taxi".
Yo mama so fat all she wanted for Christmas is to see her feet.
Cannibal Boy: "I've brought a friend home for dinner."
Cannibal Mom: "Put him in the fridge and we'll have him tomorrow."
A cannibal chief was just about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested, "You can't eat me! I'm the manager!"
"Well," said the cannibal, "soon you'll be a manager in chief."
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Yo mama is so fat, NASA qualified her as a planet.
Yo mama is so fat when she was in Call of Duty she got killed and the person that killed her got a five person kill streak.
A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of meat?
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."
Yo mama is so fat she thought the first 3 letters of the alphabet was KFC.
Yo mama is so fat, when she steps on weights it says: To be continued.
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Attached Thumbnails
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Attached Thumbnails
Yo mama is so fat, NASA qualified her as a planet.
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Your mother so fat, that when she jump for joy she got stuck
Attached Thumbnails
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are planning a party.
�I�ll bring six pints of bitter,� says the Englishman.
�I�ll bring six pints of Guinness,� says the Irishman.
�I�ll bring six friends,� says the Scot.
�Dad,� says a Spanish boy to his father,
�when I�m grown up I want to be just like you.�
�That�s nice, son. Why?�
�So I can have a son like me!�
The Ukrainians on the (filthy rich but stupid) Russians:
�
�I�ve just bought a tie for $3,000.�
�Idiot! You could have bought the same one just down the street for $5,000.�
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