Obama: Hey Modi... How are you?
Modi: I'm good Barack. How are you doing?
Obama: I'm absolutely fine. Where is Kejriwal, BTW?
Modi: Not sure, but probably in Punjab or Delhi.
Obama: He is doing amazing work, I'm so inpressed!
Modi: !!!
Obama: The way his Mohalla Clinic near Mahima Furniture, Kriti Nagar is working is fabulous! Also the way Rakesh Tomar, Vivek Goel & Tanya Arora got driving licences without bribe is amazing... it proves that corruption is really coming down...
Modi: !!!!
Obama: .... Due to Odd-Even the way pollution level came down at Munirika, Ward No 6 clearly shows his commitment towards Delhi. And don't you think that the way he sent water tanker in just 1 hour to Laxmi Nagar, near Metro station after water pipeline damage was beyond imagination in previous govt.?
Modi: hmmmmmm... But Barack how do you know all this?
Obama: Oh Man... It's simple... Yesterday I was reading his 4 page advertisement in New York Times!!!
....and few minutes later Canadian PM Justin Trudeau calls PM Modi.... And rest you know....
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
At a dinner party the other night my wife tried to embarrass me by telling our guests about an argument that's been ongoing in our house hold.
"Yes," she said smugly. "He's well trained, I have constantly reminded him to put the seat down after he's used the toilet and like a good little boy, he now does as he's told."
They all started laughing at me then one of her friends turned to me and said, "Hha, totally pussy whipped aren't you!"
"No not really," I replied calmly. "I'v just been pissing in the sink for the last 6 months."
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, �You�re next!�
After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. �Excuse me,� said Joe �dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.� The lady wasn�t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene. Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same. Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. �This isn�t my dog!� said the lady as soon as she saw it. �I�m sure it is� insisted Joe �I was very careful about where I put it.� �It�s not my dog� argued the lady, �you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!�
Dan hated dogs, he hated them with a passion. One morning Dan was driving his car down a busy street when to his surprise he saw ahead of him a fellow running full force with 2 big dogs after him. � I�ve just got to save this guy�, thought Dan, and with that he quickly sped up along side of him, rolled down his window, and screamed �hurry, hop in!� �Thanks!� said the fellow opening the door, �it�s always hard for me to get a ride when I have my two dogs with me!�
A dog thinks: �Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me � THEY MUST BE GODS!�
A cat thinks: �Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me � I MUST BE A GOD!�
A laughter a day, will prolong one's life a day :))
If we aren�t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Thanks, Bro Byteslurve for giving such nice jokes :)
A laughter a day, will prolong one's life a day :))
�
Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo.
Mama, little Billy shouts, this monkey looks like our neighbour, Mr. Danny.
Billy, it�s not polite to talk like that!
Why? The chimpanzee doesn�t understand...
What did the dog say to the hot dog bun?
"Are you pure bred?"
A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head.
The barman pulls him a pint and says,�Look I don�t know if you know it but there�s a cat sitting on your head.�
�What of it?� asks the man.
�I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.�
�But today�s Tuesday,� replies the barman.
�Oh God.Is it?� says the man. �I must look a right prat.�
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
The vampire sucks you�re blood only at midnight!
A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'. The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'.
The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'.
The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'.
He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight.
The kid says 'What was that for, sir?'
The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish. Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have hit me with that flashlight", so I fulfilled your wish.'
Yo mama's so fat, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.
What�s the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don�t cry when you chop up a dead baby.
�
�
some of the phrases are in Hokkien...
�
Old Mr. Lim seeing doctor, "I feel just fine, doctor. But you know, it's very strange. Every night when I get up to pang jio (urinate), the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son answers. The doctor tells him, "Mr. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on automatically... instead of answering to doctor, Mr. Lim yells, "Ah Lian! Ah Kong pang jio in the fridge again! quick go and check!!"
A woman called our airline ?customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
�Sure,� I said, �as long as you provide your own kennel.� I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: ?�I�ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!�
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a**holes.
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some a**hole has my pen!"
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "
I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They�re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
Today is World Penis Day
�
A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need.
�
A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times.
�
A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm.
�
A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem.
�
What kind of a friend are you to me? Penis, condom, bra or vagina friend?
�
�
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Edited by Still2016, 16 May 2016 - 10:04 PM.
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Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
�
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
�
Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40
�
"Mother, why do people die so quickly in our family?"
...
"Mama?"
"Mama?"
"Maaaammaaaaaaa!"
�
My girlfriend told me I was one in a million.
�
When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
�
After many years of studying at a university, I�ve finally become a PhD�
�
or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
�
I can�t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.
�
That�s 7 years in a row now.
�
A naked women robbed a bank.
�
Nobody could remember her face.
Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
-
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
�
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body....
�
and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
�
Not sure has it being shared. This tube do brighten up my day.
Another one I can't hold Back my laughter.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
�
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!"
The cat ran away.
"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse.
"Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
�
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
�
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
�
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
�
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
�
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
�
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
�
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
�
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
�
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
�
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
Once there were three turtles.
One day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches.
"Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
�
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
�
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
�
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
�
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
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I have always enjoy reading jokes as they light up my day especially on a Monday's blue. Let me try to contribute this one which was shared to me when I was wearing the jacket with this brand.
�
As you all know, Mahathir wanted a successor and has identified Anwar. We was quite pleased with him and decided one day to let him run the place while he took a break.
�
Anwar was so happy that eventually this old man would let him runs the office. Once Mahathir walks out of his office, he quickly changed to his attired and sits on Mahathir's chairs and put his legs on the table smoking a cigar. He wore the jacket with the brand name Boss (Hugo Boss).�
�
Mahathir informer quickly called him. He was very upset that this guy wanted to replace him that fast. So he cuts short his holiday and return back to his office.
�
On seeing Mahathir, Anwar quickly gets up from his chair and let him have his seat. Mahathir turns to Anwar and show him his jacket which is Bos-sini ( Boss sini means the Boss is here in Malay)
�
So, Bossini is a more atas brand than Hugo Boss in Malaysia.
I have always enjoy reading jokes as they light up my day especially on a Monday's blue. Let me try to contribute this one which was shared to me when I was wearing the jacket with this brand.
�
As you all know, Mahathir wanted a successor and has identified Anwar. We was quite pleased with him and decided one day to let him run the place while he took a break.
�
Anwar was so happy that eventually this old man would let him runs the office. Once Mahathir walks out of his office, he quickly changed to his attired and sits on Mahathir's chairs and put his legs on the table smoking a cigar. He wore the jacket with the brand name Boss (Hugo Boss).�
�
Mahathir informer quickly called him. He was very upset that this guy wanted to replace him that fast. So he cuts short his holiday and return back to his office.
�
On seeing Mahathir, Anwar quickly gets up from his chair and let him have his seat. Mahathir turns to Anwar and show him his jacket which is Bos-sini ( Boss sini means the Boss is here in Malay)
�
So, Bossini is a more atas brand than Hugo Boss in Malaysia.
Very old and classic one..... i always thought it was Boss-ini and not Bos-sini, just a matter of how you look at it between "this" and "here"
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Ever heard of the one where a Polish fella buys Chinese made x-ray vision glasses?
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On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. �OH NO!� I thought. �MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn�t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie!
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. �Excuse me sir,� I said to the crossing guard, �I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!�
�Sure� said the guard, �just lie down on this bench.� Well if someone was going to help me I wasn�t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
�Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie�s on other people when they were lying down. He replied.
What was your previous job? I asked incredulously.
�I ran a morg.� Was the reply.
I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, �Thank you. Please come again.�
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."
Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.
-
And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
�
�Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?�
-
�No, how?�
-
�I�ll tell you tomorrow.�
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Why did the octopus blush?
�
He�d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
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Why did the boy peek down the toilet bowl?
�
He was trying to find Winnie the Pooh.
�
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
�
�What is green and sits crying in the corner?
�
The increadible Sulk.
�
Chinese joke translate to English for you guys/gals here:
�
I went to the bookshop yesterday,
was reading a book in the health section when I realised that drinking alcohol can lead to: hypertension, diabetes, stroke, arthritis, liver failure, gastric ulcer and bleeding...
Scared the crap out of me.
�
When I returned home, I poured myself a glass of whiskey to soothe my nerves and swear that from now onwards,�
�
.
�
.
�
.
�
�
.
�
.
�
�
�
�
I will not read books anymore...
�
�
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
�
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
�
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
�
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
�
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
- Telegram
- Telephone
- Tell a woman
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
�
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
�
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
�
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
�
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
�
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
�
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"�
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
�
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
�
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
�
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off � go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
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