The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say, 'The devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'The devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Counsel: "Are you a qualified pathologist?"
Witness: "Yes."
Counsel: "On 21st June, 2013, do you recall being at Regina Hospital in the evening?"
Witness: "Yes."
Counsel: "And do you recall examining a deceased person called Harold Schindler there at that time?"
Witness: "Yes." Counsel: "Approximately what time did you start the autopsy?"
Witness: "At about 7.30 p.m."
Counsel: "And Mr. Schindler was dead at that time?"
Witness: "No, he was sitting on the table asking why I was doing an autopsy on him."
Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.
The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court."
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.
Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying, "If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money."
Equally brilliant student argued back saying, "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything."
This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"
The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over
to her.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face
closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his
full beard, "Are you the manager? "she asks softly stroking his
face with both hands.
"Actually, no..." the bartender replies.
"Can you get him for me? "she asks, "I need to speak with him
,"she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything
I can do???"
"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to gently suck them.
"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a
finger "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or
hand soap in the ladies room!!"
�
-------
WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT!!
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
*************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....
***************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a petrol pump
And then the fight started....
***************************
My wife was standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
And then the fight started....
***************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to my parents' house.
And then the fight started....
***************************
Dedicated to all married couples. But don't send to all
I sent it to my friend. He sent it to his wife and then the fight started.
![[thumbsup]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vchm4CasBQCvWBzYbyQUJ1kB5SfS1PLZfHi8mL0XPPw7uqc_AIPk2Y6RsSKtmjzQW2wJzDkLUe7LMj1gJv3v3nnl1vUVZr9eWbspbhSVRmiy0qpIiEtDSPwlC78oAFppn-j1lIIdtp=s0-d)
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
Edited by Philipkee, 27 October 2015 - 06:37 PM.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"Bobby," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Kumar, Sharma, Gupta, Verma, Singh..... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Kashyap. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is Bobby Darling."
"Okay Bobby, the next thing I want to tell you is....
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
A travelling salesman's car breaks down on a deserted road, and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can spend the night and they'll sort his car out in the morning.
"There's only one small problem," says the farmer, "We don't have much room, so y'all will have to either sleep on the couch, or share the spare bedroom with Baby."
Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman agrees to sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, hot blonde busy making coffee. She turns around when he walks in and coos, "Hi, I'm Baby, who are you?"
He replies, "I'm the stupid salesman who just spent the whole of last night alone on the couch!!"
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a recent college graduate trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."
While fishing off the Australia coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any crocs around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the crocs?"
"We didn't do nothing," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.
Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.
One says to the other, "What shall we do?"
The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.
He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.
What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"
The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area."
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?
"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'
"So here I am....!!!"
Moral: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!!
The boss calls his secretary and says, "Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."
The secretary calls husband and says, "Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself."
The husband calls his girlfriend and says, "My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun."
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, "No tuition this weekend."
The boy calls his grand father, "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson."
The secretary calls husband, "I won't be going."
The husband calls his girlfriend, "I am sorry My wife is not going."
The girlfriend calls boy, "You have tuition."
Boy calls his grandpa and says, "Sorry grandpa I've classes."
�
�
At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life.
"I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God.
"I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence.
As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.
The next day the same thing happened. "Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"
The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."
When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to you room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."
Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of: "Hark! What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"
Banta walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.
"My first wish," Banta said, "is a bottle of whiskey that will never be empty."
And flash, there was the bottle. Banta opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. Banta was very happy.
"What is your second wish," the dwarf asked?
Banta replied, "I want another bottle..."
I found a Leaflet in newspaper this morning which read:
ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC? CALL NOW. WE CAN HELP!!!'
My wife insisted I make a call. I Called up.
It was a liquor shop offer:
'Buy 3 & Get 1 Free'
Little Freddie's mother was in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was occupied by a woman with a broken leg.
"Hello," he said. "How long have you been here?"
"Oh, about a month."
"Let me see your baby," he then asked.
"Why, I haven't a baby," the woman replied.
"Gee, you're slow," said Freddie. "My mama's been here just two days and she's got one."
Dear Sir,
I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:
1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?
2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is 21 years and the legal age for him to start drinking is 25 years... then how do you suggest he survives the first 4 years of marriage???
Any information will be appreciated.
Husband in a good mood:
Darling, remember 25 years ago.... I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white tv and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 yrs old beautiful girl.
Now I own a luxurious bungalow with, 4 LED TVs, a Limousine and a Porsche, servants... but I sleep with a 50 yrs old woman.
Wife: Dont worry... Just find yourself a 25 yrs old beautiful woman... and I will make sure that you go back to your 1 room rented apartment, table fan, black & white TV and a cycle.
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you an idiot?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're an idiot!
A lion was getting married and all animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood a distance and wished then lion.
A mouse came and climbed to the stage and extended his hand to wish the lion.
The lion roared in rage and said, "How dare you come up the stage? Even the tiger is maintaining distance and you climbed the stage."
The mouse replied and after listening to that the lion fainted. What would have the mouse said ??? Any guess???
The mouse said, "Oh shut up buddy, even I was lion before marriage."
In Korea, when a patient is taken to hospital, a white wristband is placed on their left arm. These wristbands contain the patient's name and information. When a patient dies, a red wristband is placed on their right arm and they are taken to the morgue.
In one particular hospital in Korea, a young doctor was working the night shift. It was around 2 AM when he finished his last operation. He was on the 5th floor and pressed the button for the elevator. The doctor was tired after a long day and was looking forward to the end of his shift. At 2 AM, the hospital was very quiet. Most of the patients were asleep and many of the nurses had already gone home. He entered the elevator and there was just one other person there. He casually chatted with the woman while the elevator descended.
The elevator stopped at the basement and the door opened. They saw an old man dressed in a white gown standing there. The old man was about to get in when the doctor suddenly slammed the close button and punched the button for the 5th floor.
"Why did you do that?" asked the astonished woman.
"I've performed a lot of operations," replied the doctor. "I've seen a lot of people die. When a patient dies, they get a red wristband placed on their arm."
The woman was silent.
"You saw it, didn't you?" said the doctor.
"That old man... That old man had a red wristband on his arm."
"A red wristband....!!!!" said the woman as she raised her right arm. "You mean like this one ?"
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure And comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... SORRY.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind......
It was five in the evening, the bank is almost closed. All of a sudden, the BM received a phone call from a lady.
In a sweet voice she said: Sir, I urgently need Rs.50,000.
Her voice was so captivating that the BM could not say no. He instructed his cashier to keep the cash ready and with reluctance he obeyed his boss.
After a while, a dark complexioned lady with ugliest of face came to the bank and presented the cheque. The BM was taken aback, as he was expecting a cute lady. He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she should come next day.
The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM if his intention was to not to pay why he was made to sit late.
BM: It's the Universal rule of the bankings that........
If words and figure differ, payment will be declined.
Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis......
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
Once upon a time ..a small boy named Hameed living in a tiny primitive Moroccan village was bvery moron and all his classmates hate him for his stupidity especially his teacher Aisha who was always yelling on him"you are driving me crazy Hameed" ..one day his mother went to check out how is he doing and the teacher Aisha told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she never seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...the mother could not accept such a feed back and not only she took her son out from that school but she even shifted to another city.
25 years later, that teacher got an incurable cardio disease and all the doctors have strongly advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform...effectively, left with no other choices she did the surgery and was successful ...when she opened her eyes ,she has seen a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she would loved to thank him but could not talk ,at his turn,he was stiring at her face which started turning to bleu, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...the doctor was shocked and hardly trying to understand what just happened till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that clinic who unplugged the oxygen device to connect his Vaccum.
Don't tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor. This is called a Twist in the Tale!
A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside.
The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!"
The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside.
Moments later, the husband came in, angry, "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!' Are you saying you have other men over?"
Wife, "Well, then why did you run away?"
One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class.
Professor: What kind of Wife would you like Pappu?
Pappu: I would want a wife like the moon.
Professor: Wow !!! What a choice... So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon?
Pappu: No, no...
Professor: Oh, so you want her to be Round and white?
Pappu: No, no...
Professor: Oh, so you want her to be Fair and Beautiful like the moon?
Pappu: No, no... I want her to be Exactly like The MOON. Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning.
Professor fainted...
This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will eventually become seniors.
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" the irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!!!"
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum. The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice.
Father-in-law: Young man, you're coming to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you're chewing gum. That's a sign of disrespect!
Man: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.
Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke, and you're here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage?
Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to the club.
Father-in-law: You club too?
Man: I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.
Father-in-law: You've also been to prison before? Oh my God!
Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed someone.
Father-in-law: What!!! You're a killer?
Man: Sir, I was angry because a certain man didn't allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him!
Father-in-law: Oh! Okay.... You know what? You're highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You're absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Welcome to the family
On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God!!! That's what I call service..."
The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.
As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."
The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.
"Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.
Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
In the past few years:
1. I learnt to operate 3 critical machines:
Scanner
Printer
Xerox Machine
2. I learnt to use 3 High End Software:
Microsoft Word
Microsoft Excel
Microsoft PowerPoint
3. I learnt to use 3 great short cuts:
Ctrl+C
Ctrl+V
Ctrl+S
4. I learnt to say three very imp words for professional life:
Yes sir.
Ok sir.
I'll Just Do That sir.
5. When I really wanted to quit, I learnt to:
Wake Up early.
Sleep late.
Continue to Work.
6. I learnt to:
Face Monday!
Fight For 5 Days!
Wait For Friday!
7. I learnt to give reasons to family friends and relatives for not making:
Phone Calls
Messages
Mails
8. I learnt to celebrate these things far away from loved ones:
Birthday
New Year
Festivals
9. In last one year, People say:
You Learnt...
You Earned...
You Enjoyed...
10. But when I compare me with my self I just Sustained...
I just Tolerated...
I just Survived... for bucks.
11. I have survived:
For convenience of my Family...
To avoid blame of Society...
To get tag of Employment...
12. When I already knew that I have got the wrong train...
I learnt to Rejoice...
To be Happy...
To Smile...
I learnt that corporate life and dreams can never meet...
Because when they meet, both will lose their meaning!!!
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
If the loser smiles after losing the game, the winner loses the thrill of his victory!!!
That's the power of Smile !!!
Behind every Successful Man there is a Woman....
Because Women don't run behind Unsuccessful Men!!!
'Sympathy'... You can get from Anybody.
But... 'Jealousy'.... You have to Earn it!!!
Drink 5 cups of milk and try to push the wall.
And then drink 5 cups of alcohol and watch... It'll move on its own!!!
Only 3 living beings are immune to cold on earth:
1. Polar bears
2. Penguins
3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless at marriages in India !!!
A rabbit escaped from a research laboratory where he had lived since birth. He joined a group of wild rabbits and lived their lives for a day. He fed on juicy carrots, fat lettuces and sighed with pleasure.
"This is life!" he exclaimed.
"So you are going to live with us?" asked the others.
"I wish I could but I really must get back to the laboratory. I am dying for a cigarette."
A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the funeral house, the African woman kept crying and saying, "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"
A family member pulled her aside and asked, "What did you know?"
She replied, "That, Chinese products don't last long!!!"
A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling me!"
Put your wife in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and see who is 'Happy' to see you, and who will 'BITE' you !
(You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals who are now divorced and living happily with their dog)
Don't laugh loud... the extended version says...
Put your husband in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before.
Congratulations... iPhone 6 launched...
The best feature of iPhone 6 is that if you hold it upside down it becomes iPhone 9.
iPhone users who've been saying, "I love my small iPhone, Android phones are too big for me," all these years... Apple just orphaned you...!!!"
Gujjus will not be affected by iPhone 6 launch... They will continue to flash their iPhone 4S and say: "iPhone Chhe"
With the launch of iPhone 6, OLX is more excited than Apple.... as people will sell old phones, car, house etc to buy iPhone.
Apple is Chinese, all iPhones look the same.
Dear Apple,
iPhone-6 Will Be Priced At 70k...
iPhone-9 Ke Saath Kya Nano Free Milegi ...??
iPhone's are like the Golmaal movie:
Every new version has the same features... but is longer than the previous one..!!!
iPhone6 costs more than the total money Harman Baweja earned from hi Bollywood career...!!!
Banta is lying across the rail tracks with a bottle of Whisky and a tandoori chicken within reach.
A passerby asks, "Banta ji, why are you lying on the rail lines? A train may comee any moment and run over you."
"Precisely!" answers Banta. "I have no desire to live any longer. I want to kill myself."
"Then why have you this bottle of liquor and the tandoori chicken beside you?"
"Why not?" demands Banta. "You can't rely on trains running on time any more. You don't expect me to die of hunger and thirst, do you?"
A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him.
The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink.
He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water...right, Lou?
Mrs. Khanna of my society messaged me: Hi... I am new on whatsapp... Any idea what does IDK, LY, TTYL mean...?
I replied: I don't know, Love You, Talk To You Later !
She replied: No problem. I'll ask my son... Love you too... Bye and Take Care
And my wife read it and......
Saala, bhalaai ka to zamana hi nahi raha.
Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Fred was having trouble with a drinking problem and swore that he would correct it with sheer willpower. He had decided to walk straight past the pub without going in.
As he approached the doors he kept repeating to himself, "You can do it. You can do it."
The pressure was tough, but Fred persevered, right past he went.
Fifty metres past and he congratulated himself, "I knew you could do it. You were great! Let's go back and I'll buy you a drink."
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don't know shit ?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.
"You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."
The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.
Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.
The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."
A TOUGH Haryanvi peasant swaggered into a restaurant and ordered for empty tumbler and a lemon. He asked everyone to look as he squeezed the lemon into the glass with his powerful hands.
"If anyone here can get as much out of a lemon as I have I will give him five rupees."
A thin, bespectacled clerk accepted the challenge. With his frail hands he got more juice out of the lemon than the Haryanvi.
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the Chaudhary, handing over the fiver, "but tell me how did you manage to squeeze out more than I?"
"I am from the income tax department," replied the little fellow.
Since the army is gradually talking over more and more functions of the police, there is much heartburning in police circles.
A constable who could not take the reduction of his status much longer, got talking to a jawan, "Bhai, I am told that you jawans of the army have to spend many years on the borders before you get leave. Meanwhile, your wives go on bearing children. Is this really true? How do you treat these ready-made children planted on you?"
The jawan replied cooly, "I do not think this is a common occurrence. But when it takes place we enrol these ready-made children, as you call them, into the police."
When a woman discovered that she was pregnant, her four-year-old son overheard his parents' conversation.
He didn't say anything until a week later when a family friend asked him if he was excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister.
"Yes," said the boy, "and I know what we're going to name it. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Emily, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
A visitor to the capital approached a man at a bus stand and asked, "Sir, will this bus go to Connaught Place?"
"Ya," replied the man.
Not understanding what the word meant he asked another who likewise replied, "Ya."
So did the third and the fourth man. Then he approached Santa and asked the same question.
He replied, "Yes sir, it does."
The visitor further asked, "What does 'Ya' mean? Why did you reply '"Yes sir'?"
"Sir Ji, an educated person always says 'Yes Sir'. Only the uneducated say 'Ya'," replied Santa.
"Are you an educated person?" "Ya."
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"
To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.
Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Ffinished.'
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.
Tiger says to Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that... $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."
United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated. The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy. They are fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out & said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
An angry senator was attacking a minister of government. The minister tried to interrupt the senator's speech.
"I haven't finished yet," roared the senator, and went on in his near- defamatory tirade.
Each time the minister tried to protest, the Senator yelled, "I haven't finished yet."
At long last when the speech ended, the minister asked, "Have you finished now?"
"Yes," replied the senator, taking his seat.
"Then pull the chain."
A firm of solicitors in Mumbai go under the name of Patel, Patel, Patel and Patel.
The office phone rang and the voice at the other end asked, "May I speak to Mr Patel?"
"Mr Patel is not in his seat."
"In that case can I speak to the other Mr Patel?"
"The other Mr Patel is out of station."
"Then put me on to the third Mr Patel."
"Sorry, the third Mr Patel has gone out for lunch."
"Okay then, I will speak to the last Mr Patel."
"Patel speaking."
A newly appointed health minister of a northern state (guess which?) whose knowledge of English was somewhat elementary was on his first official visit to the largest hospital in the Capital.
The Director of Medical Services took the minister round the operating theatres and general wards till they came to the women patients' section.
"This, sir, is the labour ward," explained the director.
The minister stopped in his tracks and said firmly, "I will not visit this ward. Don't you know we have a labour minister in the government? I must not trespass into his domain."
President Zia-ul-Haq's trusted barber seemed to have become infected by the popular demand for the restoration of democracy. One morning while clipping the President's hair he asked, "Gareeb Pur war! When are you going to have elections in Pakistan?"
The President ignored the question with the contempt it deserved from a military dictator.
At the next hair-cutting session, the barber asked, "Aali jah! Isn't it time you redeemed your promise to hold elections?"
The President controlled his temper and remained silent.
On the third hair-clipping session, the barber again blurted out, "Banda Nawaz, the awam (commom people) are clamouring for elections, when will you order them?"
The President could not contain himself anymore and exploded, "Gaddar! I will have you taught a lesson you will never forget."
And ordered his minions to take away the barber and give him ten lashes on his buttocks."
The barber fell at the great man's feet and whined, "Zill-e-Illahi (shadow of God), I eat your salt; how can I become a gaddar (traitor)? I only mentioned elections to make my job easier."
"Every time I utter the word election, Your Excellency's hair stands on end and is much easier to clip."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
A couple hired a new chauffeur. The memsahib asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.
Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."
"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."
Santa had saved up a lot of money to buy a car. But when he had required sum, instead of buying a car he brought a buffalo.
"Santa ji you were always saying you wanted a car to drive to the the market. And now you have gone and brought another buffalo. Won't you look ridiculous riding a buffalo to the market?" complained his wife, Jeeto.
Quite unabashed, the Santa replied, "Wouldn't I look more ridiculous trying to milk a Maruti?"
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!"
An American delegation on a visit to India were being shown round the capital. In the evening they were taken to the Secretariat for a panoramic view of Vijay Chowk and Rajpath. Came the closing hour and thousands upon thousands of clerks poured out of their offices. The place was crammed with bicycles and pedestrians.
"Who are all these peoples?" asked the leader of the American delegation.
"They are the common people of India; the real rulers of the country," proudly replied the minister accompanying the visitors.
A few minutes later came a fleet of flag-bearing limousines escorted by pilots on motorcycles followed by jeeps full of armed policemen.
"And who are these?" asked the American.
"These are us," replied the minister with the same pride, "the servants of the people."
Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?
Husband: What do you think I am... a gardener ?
Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?
Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?
In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.
Husband: Who did all this ?
Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options.... Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.
Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.
Wife: What do you think I am.......McDonald ?!!
An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.
"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.
"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."
The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:
"The chef said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
He commenced with: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!"
"I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had affiar with his boss's 20 year old daughter, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.
Mukeshbhai gets up from his bed room on 15th floor, takes a swim in the swimming pool on 17th floor, has breakfast on the 19th floor, dresses up for office on 14th floor, collects his files and office bag from his personal office on 21st floor, wishes Bye to Nitabhabhi on 16th floor, says 'See You' to his children on 13th floor, and goes down on 3rd floor to self drive his 2.5 Crore Mercedes to office, but then he finds out that he has forgotten the car keys upstairs. But on which floor? 15th, 17th,19th,14th,21st,16th or 13th ?
He phones all his servants, cooks, maids, secretaries, pool attendants, gym trainers, etc. on all the floors. There is a hectic search and lot of running about on all the floors, but thekey is not traceable. Fed up, after half an hour, Mukeshbhai leaves in a chauffeur driven ordinary Ikon car.
At 3.30 P.M. late in the afternoon it is discovered that 4 days back, a temporary replacement maid had washed Mukeshbhai's pants and hung it to dry on a string in the balcony of 16th floor, with car keys in the pant pocket. They had blown away somewhere in the high winds at 16th floor level and was never found. This was found out because of Nitabhabhi's habit of checking clothes given for ironing personally.
Meanwhile, after 3 days of the incident, Nita bhabhi with all irritation writ large on her face, complained to Mukesh bhai asking him where he was roaming till 3 am last night.
Mukesh replied that he was at home all night. `Then why did the helicopter land in the terrace at 3 am? I was so worried. I could not sleep whole night," quizzed Nita bhabhi.
"Oh that helicopter`.. That helicopter came from Germany, sent by guys from BMW to deliver the duplicate car key..." mumbled Mukesh.
Moral of The Story: A two bed room flat is a better choice.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single malt scotch.
The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?"
And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap ,and the last one always makes me sick!"
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults ?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean Cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing, "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
In our life, problems may go from "Haywards 2000" to "Haywards 5000", but we must take them as a "Royal Challenge" otherwise people will call us "Old Monk" and put a "Black Label" on our name.
So, we must learn from "Teachers" to fight like "Jack Daniel", live like a "Bagpiper", walk like "Johny Walker", work till "8 PM" & think like "Director Special".
Then life will be "Imperial" and we will become "Aristocrat" and there will be value for our "Signature".
CHEERS!!!
Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."
The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.
He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."
He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.
"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.
Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."
Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.
"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"
Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff. But then the teacher realised that only Little Johnny was left. "Johnny, do you have a story to share ?"
"Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story???" "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk......!!!!"
One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story...
Have a great day and remember...... Things aren't always what they appear to be.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly One o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "45."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in Bihar these days?"
1) Once, all villages decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella - That's Faith.
2) When you throw a baby in the air she laughs because she knows you will catch her - That's Trust.
3) Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up - That's Hope.
4) We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties - That's Confidence.
5) We see the world suffering. We know there is a possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married - That's Over Confidence.
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment.
"Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call.
"How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude."
"What's the problem?" his friend asks.
"To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."
Two High Court lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, "Our secretary is so young, pretty and naive that she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"
"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."
An employee was chatting on the web seriously with a lady called Amy. Manager walks into his cube and asks...
Manager: Can you write me a program for sorting the float values.
Employee (Steve): I am kind of busy with another job. I will be able to give you the complete program by tomorrow.
.......Back to chat......
Steve: Sorry for late reply!!! My stupid boss was here.
Amy: Bosses are really pain right?
Steve: Yep!! They are pain in...
Amy: Can you do me a favor darling.
Steve: I am for you honey.
Amy: Can you write me a program to sort float.
Steve: Oh honey!! It's on my finger tips....Here you go.
Amy: Dude!!! that is what I asked you at your cubicle.
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me?"
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."
"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "Do you have much of a sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."
A business man got on an elevator.
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'"
A Russian, visiting India, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy..., he's my cousin.
Three women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting.
She comes back with 2 rabbits.
The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?"
She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped."
Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer.
The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?"
She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped."
The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue.
They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?"
She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop!!
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.
He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.
During my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miaDuring my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes and I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "just a shitty golfer!"
A man phoned his doctor very late at night saying his wife appeared to have Appendicitis.
"That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up after midnight. "She had an appendectomy last year. Don't be stupid. Only a moron like you would wake me up for something this idiotic. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"
"No, you are the moron!" the husband replied. "Haven't you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
A blonde asked a farmer, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, cattle can do a lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep them trimmed down. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow doesn't have horns is because it's a horse."
A travelling salesman's car breaks down on a deserted road, and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can spend the night and they'll sort his car out in the morning.
"There's only one small problem," says the farmer, "We don't have much room, so y'all will have to either sleep on the couch, or share the spare bedroom with Baby."
Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman agrees to sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, hot blonde busy making coffee. She turns around when he walks in and coos, "Hi, I'm Baby, who are you?"
He replies, "I'm the stupid salesman who just spent the whole of last night alone on the couch!!"
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a recent college graduate trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
"A football player."
"A doctor."
"An astronaut."
"The president."
"A fireman."
"A teacher."
"A race car driver."
Everyone that is, except Little Johnny. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still.
So she said to him, "Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible" Little Johnny replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Little Johnny said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't! "
While fishing off the Australia coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any crocs around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the crocs?"
"We didn't do nothing," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
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