A guy tells his psychiatrist: �It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I�d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don�t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn�t see the email."
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O�Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I�m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I�m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I�ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you�ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I�m telling everybody
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I�m thinking, okay, here�s a gal who�s capable of making a decision she�ll regret in the future
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she�s given you two $100 bills. Now, here�s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you�re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
I failed my driver�s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don�t know� look around, listen to the radio�
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."
I feel sorry for people who don�t drink or do drugs. Because someday they�re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won�t know why.
Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I�m thinking!"
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don�t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That�s awfully steep, isn�t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what�s your final question?"
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it�s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot
A man is driving his five year old to a friend�s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn�t make it right, and I don�t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
An old woman is upset at her husband�s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We�ll take care of it, ma�am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.
There�s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I�d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.
Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I�m too young to die. I�m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you�re eighty two." "How�s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They�ve already dialled 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don�t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours.
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They�ve heard one another�s material so much, they�ve reached the point where they don�t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other � they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it�s the third comic�s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn�t 44 funny?" "Sure, it�s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it�"
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice � death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple�s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we�ll get on Yom Kippur!"
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don�t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That�s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check � the waiter said, "Don�t put off that mammogram."
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you�re the funniest guy I�ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you�re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years -- how about you?" The first actor says, "That's nothing. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says, "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!"
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.
"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.
Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"
�
Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started
discussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned
a factory, manufacturing furniture.� Why, just the other day he gave his
best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a
car sales firm.� Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.
Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.
The fourth man just shook his head.� He said his son was gay and hadn't
amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,
just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari
by his friends!
A long time resident of San Francisco is packing all
his stuff into boxes.� His roommate comes in & asks
what he's doing. "I'm leaving !" he replies. "They just
made homosexuality legal."
"So why leave now ?" queries his roomie. "Gays have
been part of the scene here for years and years."
"Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting the hell out
of here before the damn fools make it compulsory."
�� A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his
�� homosexuality and
�� decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his mother
�� first; so on his next
�� home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying
�� herself stirring stew with
�� a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had
�� realized he was gay.
�� Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean,
�� homosexual?"
�� "Well...yes." Still without looking up:
�� "Does that mean you suck men`s penises?"
�� Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
�� embarrassed
�� affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the
�� wooden spoon
�� threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don`t you EVER complain about
�� my cooking
�� again!"
A man walks in to a doctors office and says,
�
"Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS."
�
The doctor replies, "Are you gay?"
�
The man answers "yes."
�
The doctor says, "I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice. Take�ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for a couple of hours. When you wake up your problem will be solved."
�
The man answers, "Will�that cure my AIDS?"
�
The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass hole is really for!"
Edited by Byteslurve, 29 October 2014 - 10:12 AM.
�� A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
�� double vodka."
�� The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
�� "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
�� The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
�� drinks.
�� When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
�� back,
�� "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
�� On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
�� double vodkas.
�� The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
�� "Yeah, my wife..."
���A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
�� gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
�� So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
�� the name of your penis?"
�� The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
�� The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
�� tell me the name of your penis."
�� So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
�� beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
�� left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
�� The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
�� a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
�� A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
�� fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
�� right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
�� 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
�� Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
�� with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
�� "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
�� The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
�� asks, "Why secret?"
�� The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
�� woman!"
Edited by Byteslurve, 29 October 2014 - 10:13 AM.
There is 2 fags walking down the beach. They are holding hands and
kicking the sand with their feet. One happens to kick a lamp that is
lying buried in the sand. He pick it up and starts to clean it off.
All of a sudden a Genie comes out of the lamp.
Genie, " Man, I don't believe it. I have stuck in that bottle for 2
thousand years and� the first person to come along and find me is a
fag. I am suppose to give you 3 wishes but I just can't do it. I won't
even give you 2. I will give you one wish and that is it. What will it
be."
The 2 fags are excited about getting their wish but couldn't come up
with what they wanted to wish for on such short notice.
Fag1 says," Could you give us just a little time to think about it?� I
mean one wish we need a little time."
The Genie looks down and says, "Alright you can take as long as you
want but I am not going to stay here until you come up with it. I just
can't stand the sight of you two. Whenever youmake me your mind just
wish for it and it will done."
At that moment the Genie grabs his bottle and flys off into the sky.
Well the two fags decide that they will go back to the motel room and
decide on what they will wish for. Once they got back their emotions
took over and they starting doing all that fag stuff.
Right as they were getting into it, the door of their room gets busted
down and 6 men in white sheets come in. They grab the fags and throw a
rope around their necks.
Fag1 looks at Fag2 and says, " You know this might be a good time use
our wish."
Fag2 says, "I already made it."
Fag1 " What the hell did you wish for?"
Fag2� " Well, I wish that we were hung like two niggers."
CSI "Our Day Begins when Yours End"
Fertility "Dish n Tube marks Your Beginning"
Midwife "Your BFF when yr Gynae is late for Delivery "
Undertaker "We take u whenever n wherever"
Insurance "We are In when U are Sure"
Ever wonder what wld be printed on the back of certain vocation?
CSI "Our Day Begins when Yours End"
Fertility "Dish n Tube marks Your Beginning"
Midwife "Your BFF when yr Gynae is late for Delivery "
Undertaker "We take u whenever n wherever"
Insurance "We are In when U are Sure"
![[thumbsup]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uPP5gPSNWpL61x41NGrv1_7q_ukXAtxeY6jcjKODdx3oYnjYdzr6r3GvRqPlSwVnhR5Jg3o5mj8MSiALtWmYbcBNsurn7tDEOcrY8oyNJACzYzfYx2Ga9ui9wNGt-IWrxi-hj-reCC=s0-d)
Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Woman in bed with husband's best friend.
�
Phone rings!
�
Wife pick up: "Yes..... OK, BYE"
�
She turns to her lover and say, "THAT'S�MY HUSBAND, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU!"
Rooster & cat going over the bridge.
�
Cat slips and falls into the river. Rooster can't stop laughing.
�
Moral of the story:
�
"Whenever there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock"
�
![[:)]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vL918L01QrTmIUanoesoGnypzyaE2Ac2E9REAhoGX7LSqMKg7FLnWKkcAsyo-MIkD_fovHYwA3Z7Hrbf3IxW7ypEekC3PvlqN7Hg_5aFu4vzEneKy_ZtVVu-MGDK1dYH0rjxrYBQ=s0-d)
Husband reading a book on bed with wife beside. His finger went to tease wife's water-hole.
�
Wife started to strip herself and asked, "U want sex?"
�
Husband answered, "No, I just want to wet my finger to turn the pages."
�
A woman is complaining to her neighbor:
- My husband is 300% impotent.
- A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.
- Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.
Two drunks are making conversation at the bar:
-Tell me, how does your wife reacts when you come home drunk?
- I'm not married!
- And why are you drinking?
Two colleagues in the office:
- How did it end the fight with your wife?
- She came crawling to me.
- And what did she say?
- Get out from under the bed!
A lady is doing her daily shopping in the store near place she lives. She bought low fat milk, eggs, orange juice, salad, coffee and meat. While she was unloading the shopping from the basket, a drunk guy, who was standing behind her, was observing. While they were waiting in the line, the drunk guy says quietly:
- I guess you are not married.
The woman, slightly surprised by this statement, shows to be intrigued by the intuition of the drunk guy because he was right and she was not married. She turns back looking at her shopping without finding nothing strange, nothing that can show she was single. All at once she says:
- You are right. Tell me, how did you guess?
- You're tremendously ugly!
A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!
While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.
Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don�t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don�t bark.
One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven�t arrived to the airport yet neither.
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn�t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
- Why didn't the sailors play cards?
- Because the captain was sitting on the deck.
- Why dwarfs laugh while they play the soccer?
- Because the grass tickles their balls!
A man enters in a wine store and asks the seller:
- What would you advise me for the 25 anniversary of the wedding?
- Dear sir, it depends if you want to celebrate or to forget.
A man at the doctors:
-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won�t go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!
- Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?
- No it doesn't my son.
- Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed.
A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.
On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.
A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can�t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can�t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn�t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don�t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.
A guy comes to his friend and finds him beating his dick with a hammer.
- What are you doing?
- I'm masturbating.
- Masturbating with a hammer!? Are you enjoying it at all?
- Yes, each time I miss it.
A panda walks into a bar, goes right to the counter, grabs a sandwich and after having eaten it he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots the bartender. Then, as though nothing had happened, he walks out. Everyone in the bar is sitting all speechless and petrified but suddenly someone breaks the silence:
-What a hell was that?!?
Comes a sorrowful voice:
-It was a panda.
-???
-Perhaps you don't know what a panda is... It's a mammal that eats shoots and leaves.
- What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
- To get a diarrhoea!
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
- What happened to this one?
- I don�t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:
- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.
The doctor, looking his watch says:
- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can�t help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.
- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.
The doctor, angrily says:
- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow.
- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don�t you see that I have a knife in the back.
The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients� eye.
- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says:
- I can not proceed in this way.
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
- We can not proceed in this way.
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
- We can not proceed in this way.
And they dig up the woman.
The pessimist sees only darkness in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees that the light is the train.
The train driver sees three idiots on the tracks.
- Which animal has two gray legs, and two brown legs?
- Elephant that has diarrhea!
An elephant meets a naked man and asks him:
- But how can you breathe with such a small trunk?
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I�ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He�ll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he�d be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You�ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I�ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught�worried that his expensive rooster won�t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob�stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you�ve done to yourself."
Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they�re getting closer....."
A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them.
�
Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the different between the two?"
�
First Girl: "One is hairy, the other isn't".
�
Boss: "Ok..... good!"
�
Second Girl: "One can talk but the other can't".
�
Boos: "thats better!"
�
Third Girl: "One is vertical & the the other is horizontal."
�
Boss: "Hmmmm....... clever!"
�
Last Girl: "One is for me & the other is for my boss".
�
Boss: "You are hired!!!!"
�
Lolsssss I like this one
http://www.straitsti...s-job-well-done
�
"Singapore Press Holdings (SPH) received top honours for its efforts toward corporate transparency and progressive industry practices at the 15th Sias Investors' Choice Awards 2014 on Friday evening.
The organisation won the Most Transparent Company Award in the Services category for the third consecutive year"
�
LOL... 154 media ... haiz
Edited by Duckduck, 31 October 2014 - 10:52 PM.
After trick-or-treating, ?a teen takes a shortcut home ?through the cemetery. Halfway across, he�s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots ?an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
�I thought you were a ghost,� ?says the relieved teen. �What are you ?doing working so late?�
�Oh, those idiots,� grumbles the old man. �They misspelled my name!�
�
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
�It�s taped under the modem,� ?I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, �Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?�
�
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
UNLUCKY YOUNG MAN
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYP*NIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?" Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.
Next!"
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
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