A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I`m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We`ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don`t seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I`m sure we?ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you`ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I`d rather have my husband`s baby.
�
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and adozen donuts.
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don`t like that new boyfriend, he`s rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred`s ever so clever, we`ve only been going out nine weeks and he`s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what`s the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she`d have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said `Hell yes I would!`"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she`d have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said `Hell yes I would!`"
The father answers: "Okay son, here`s the deal: Hypothetically, we`re millionaires, but in reality, we`re just living with a couple of whores."
�Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What`s going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to His wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I`ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don`t wait up."
�The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don`t stop poking me with your thing, I`m going to the cops!"
"I don`t know what you`re talking about miss - that`s just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that`s the fifth raise you`ve had in the last half hour!"
Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of Her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I`m sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It`s quite alright," replies the woman, "It`s very talented, watch this, I`ll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband`s like a championship golfer. He`s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband`s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband`s like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He`s got his time down to under 40 seconds."
�
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven`t wasted all this time alone. Instead, I`ve mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It`s really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn`t mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy`s full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I`m givin` this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what`s all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we`re having a yard sale today."
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
`Just where the heck do you think you`re going!`, said the man.
`I`m going to Las Vegas`, said the wife, `I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
`The man said, `Wait a minute!`, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
`Where the heck are you going?`, said the wife.
The man said, `I want to see how you`re gonna live on $800 a year!`
A little girl walks into Her parents` bathroom and notices for the First time, Her father`s nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn`t have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God`s Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn`t be here."
Puzzled, she seeks Her mommy out and tells Her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they`re hanging from?"
This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex: wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u husband: were married now u can tell me any thing wife: im flat chested husband: i dont believe u..prove it so she takes off Her shirt husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too wife: were married now u can tell me any thing husband: im "weighed like a baby" wife: i dont believe you prove it so he takes off his pants wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby? husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
Little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
How can you tell if you`re making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won`t hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for Her family when Her daughter walks in.
?Mother, where do babies come from?
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ?Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.?
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ?That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy?s vagina. That?s how you get a baby, honey.? The child seems to comprehend.
?Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy?s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
?Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.?
I`ve got something you don`t have!" A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon`s bigger than your wagon!"
The little girl said "No it`s not!" The boy said "Is too! Let`s measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is."
They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!"
The girl said "He can not!"
The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy`s father wins.
The girl says "Oh gosh, he can."
They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I`ve got something you don`t have!"
The little girl says "Do not!"
The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her.
The little girl starts crying and runs into Her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on Her face.
The little boy says "What are you so happy about?"
The girl pulls up Her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Mother, where do babies come from?
Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts His penis in the mommy`s vagina. That`s how you get a baby, honey.
Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy`s room you had daddy`s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Jewelry, dear.
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 15 October 2014 - 10:44 AM.
A keen country lad applied for a salesman`s job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I`ll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o`clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn`t be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, `Your weekend`s shot, you may as well go
fishing.`"
�One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor.
So he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix.
He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy.
It made her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore.
This is Wonderbar!
He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a MilkyWay.
She screamed "Oh Henry", as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M`s.
Miss Hershey said; "You are even better than the Three Musketeers".
To which Mr. Goodbar replied, "When you`re this big they call you Mr. Big".
Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.
A small white guy goes into an elevator and the only other passenger is a huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says, `2.5 m tall, 130 kg, 40 cm dick, 1.5 kg left ball, 1.5 kg right ball, Turner Brown.`
The small white guy faints.
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy, `What`s wrong?`
The small white guy says, `Excuse me, but what did you say?`
The big black dude looks down and says, `2.5 m tall, 130 kg, 40 cm dick, 1.5 kg left ball, 1.5 kg right ball, Turner Brown.`
The small white guy says, `Thank God. I thought you said, "turn around".`
The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don`t you give me a blow job?"
"What? You`re crazy??!!"
"Don`t worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I`ve already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it`s just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!! I`ve said NO!!"
"My love.. don`t be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow job himself, but for God`s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
A very sad event occurred last night: the Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so long has unfortunately passed away.
The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died from a Heart Attack brought on by sexual over stimulation.
It seems that someone had put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming...and coming...and coming...
This woman was having an affair during the day while Her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with Her boyfriend and she heard Her husband`s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can`t jump out the window! It`s raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nuddy answered, "Only if it`s raining."
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by His boss to lay off one of His employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
That night the VP tossed and turned in His sleep trying to decide which of His employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I`ve got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I`ve got a headache."
The only thing that the tax department has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40 percent of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30 percent of the time it is bard up, 20 percent of the time it is pissed off and 10 percent of the time it is on the hole.
On top of that, it bas two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective ! January 2001, your penis will be taxed according to size, as follows:
11-12".,. Luxury Tax $30
8-10` Pole Tax $25
6-7" Privilege Tax $15
5` Nuisance Tax $3
A male exceeding 12" must file under capital gains while anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION.
Sincerely Pecker Checker,
Tax Department
We are stall waiting for answers to the following:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one`s penis is self-employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
One day, a man named Chad walked on to the set of a porn movie that was being filmed. He went up to a man named Will (one of the pornstars in the movie) and said, "I bet you $1,000 that my job is 50 times better than yours."
Will then said, "I've got the best job in the world. I get to f**k beautiful women everyday. Of course I'll take your bet."
Will then followed Chad around all day watching him do his job. At the end of the day, Chad asked Will, "Who's got the best job in the whole damn world now?"
Will then said, " You were right. Your job is 50 times better than mine is. Here is your money."
Will then gave Chad the $1,000 and went home. The end.
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much, Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000, gives him back the original $5000 and invests the rest in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously the man is impressed.
The man had a difficult choice and thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
A girl had invented a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn`t find any practical way to profit from it.
So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she`d offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he`d be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she`d hold a sign up saying "$50 or I`ll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy would pay and she`d let him go.
Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I`ll bite."
The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I`ll piss!"
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
`OK, take off all you crose.`
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
`Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.`
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
`OK` now crawl reery fass to me,`
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
`Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.`
Confused the woman asked,
`What is Ed Zachary Disease?`
Dr Chang replied,
`It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse?
Three women are discussing sex and birth control.
The first woman says,
`We`re Catholic, so we can`t use it.`
The second woman says,
`I`m also Catholic, but we use the rhythm method.`
The third woman says, `We use the bucket-and-saucer method.`
Fascinated, the other women ask for an explanation.
`Well, I`m 1.80 m and my husband is 1.50 m,` the third woman says.
`We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.`
OK GET THIS. OK THERES A MOTHER,A FATHER,A SON,AND A DAUGHTER THAY WERE HAVING SOME GUESTS FOR DINNER THAT NITE THE FATHER TELLS THE SON TO GO GET A HOT DOG AND NOT TO GET CANDY SO THE LITTLE BOY IS AT THE CANDY STORE GOES UP TO THE CLERK AND SAYS"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"
THE CLERK SAYS"YES" AND HANDS HIM THE KNIFE THE SON SAID TO THE CLERK "DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?"
THE CLERK KNODS YES AND POINTS TO IT.THE BOY WENT IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE KNIFE AND CUTS OF HIS DICK GETS CANDY WITH THE MONEY GETS BACK TO THE HOUSE AND THE MOTHER ASKS THE DAUGHTER TO GO GET A PUSSY (CAT) AND TOLD Her NOT TO BUY ANY GLITER THE MOTHER GIVES Her MONEY THE DAUGHTER GOES TO THE GLITER SHOP AND ASKS THE CLERK"DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?"
THE CLERK SAYS "YES" AND HANDS IT TO Her THEN SHE ASKS "DO HAVE A BATHROOM?"
HE KNODES YES AND POINTS. SHE GOES IN AND CUTS OFF Her PUSSY GETS GLITER WITH THE MONEY BACK HOME THE DAD ASKS THE SON IF HE CAN GO GET MEAT BALLS AND TELLS HIM NOT TO BUY CANDY AND GIVES HIM MONEY HE GOES TO THE CANDY STORE AND WELL YOU ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPENS BACK HOME MOMS NOW MAKING DINNER ITS CHRISTMAS AND MOM GAVE SIS Her PRESENT (THE PUSSY) DAD GIVES BRO HIS PRESENT AND ITS CANDY LATER THAT NITE THAY STARTED EATING THERE FOOD I HOPE THAY GOT WHAT THAY WANTED. THE END
There was a girl who had the most sexy dick and tits there was a guy who had the most sexy dick and they got married naked showing there big stuff and there babys had big stuff 2
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him.
"A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. "They come in packets of 3, 6 or 12," responds the pharmacist, "How many do you need?"
"Well" muses the young man, "I`ve known this wonderful girl for 7 months. Tonight I`m meeting Her parents for the first time, then we`re off to an all-night party. So I think tonight`s the night. And, once she gets it, I know she`ll want more. Better give me a dozen!" Having made His purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at His girlfriend`s house.
At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays - and prays - and prays - and prays. Finally, His girlfriend leans over and says "You never told me you were so religious!"
He answered her, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"
There`s this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy Jack loves Wendy a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets `Wendy` tattooed on His penis. When it`s erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads `Wy`.
So, when she sees her name on His masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
He pops the question and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon.
Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.
They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with His deflated love muscle, trying not to let His eyes wander and end up embarrassing himself.
He orders a drink from the Jamaican guy at the bar, who is also naked.
He is surprised to note that the bartender also has `Wy` tattooed on His penis!
Jack says to the guy, `Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named "Wendy" and her name is tattooed on your penis, too?`
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack, back to His and starts
laughing.
Flashing a wide grin, he says, `No, mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day."`
This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.
A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.
The guy says `I`d like a quickie`.
The waitress flushes and says `That`s not funny. Now, what would you like to order.` The guys says, `I`d really like a quickie`.
The waitress angrily storms off after this.
Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, `I think that it`s pronounced quiche...`
It was Saturday night and Superman wanted to party. He phoned Batman but he said Robin was sick and he had to stay home and take care of him.
Superman decided to fly over to Wonder Woman`s house and see what was going on over there. He landed on her balcony, looked in the bedroom window and saw her lying on her back on the bed. She was naked and had her legs apart. "Hey," he thought to himself, "I`m faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." He does it, but something startles Wonder Woman and she says, "Did you hear something?"
"No," says the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."
Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady Luck had smiled in Her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over Her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show`s host could ask Her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous as Her husband drove them home.
`I`ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were. You know I`m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.`
`Relax honey,` Her husband, Roger, reassured her. `It will all be OK.`
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
`Where are you going?` Jane asked.
`I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.`
After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
`Honey, I managed to get tomorrow`s question and answer.`
`What is it?` she cried excitedly.
`OK, the question is, "What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?"
And the answer is, "The head, the heart and the penis."`
The couple went to sleep with Jane now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3.30 am, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking Her the quiz show question.
`The head, the heart, the penis,` Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked Her again in the morning as Jane was brushing Her teeth. Once again she replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day`s events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
`Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.`
`Hmmm, uhm, the head? She said nervously.
`Very good. Six seconds.`
`Eh, uh, the heart?
`Very good. Four seconds.`
`I, uhh, ooooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... `
`That`s close enough,` said the game show host, `Congratulations!`
�The Queen is visiting one of Australia`s top hospitals and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
`Oh my God,` said the Queen. `That`s disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?`
The doctor leading the tour explains,
`I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn`t do that five times a day they`ll explode and he would die instantly.`
`Oh I am so sorry` said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.
`Oh my God,` said the Queen, `what`s happening there?`
The doctor replied, `Same problem, better health cover.`
One day i came home from work, when i got through gate my dog came up to me and was filled with excitment.then started to hump my leg.there was a red thing that shot out and it was down below near theese two round things.the next day i went to the vet and asked what that red thing was,the doctor said "thats his weiner" he replied.then my dog started humpin the vets arm and this thing was flopin up and down like crazy.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question, but as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, `Ma`am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you`ll forgive me.`
She replies, `if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I`m in room 1221.`
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?"
she asked provocatively.
"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on His new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on His Harley and they ride to her parents` house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.
By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on His Harley, so he reaches into His pocket and pulls out His jar of Vaseline.
And the father shouts, `Okay damn it, I`ll do the dishes.`
One day a boy walks into his class late.The teacher says why are you late.The kid replies I was on top of blueberryhills the teacher says ok sitdown.the second day another boy walks in late he says the same thing I was on top of blueberryhills sooo every boy is late and they all give the same answer(I was on top of blueberryhills)On day a girl walks in late and the teacher asks where were you the teacher says let me guess you were on top of blueberryhills.The girl says No I am blueberryhills.
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
`What is that?` asked the child pointing to the penis.
`Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,` replied the mother.
`I want one,` said the child.
The mother tried to focus her daughter`s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
`I want one just like that,` she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, `if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.`
`And if I`m bad?` asked the little one.
`Then,` sighed the mother, `you will have many.`
One day this guy named Dan was sitting in class next to a really hot girl named Jen. He was a dork but had a huge chrush on Jen. Dan wanted to tell her about his chrush on her but didn't know how to. So he said "Are your boobs so hard that when you touch them your fingers start bleeding?"
Jen was totally grossed out and said in reply "I guess you've never seen boobs before"
�
The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence,
`if you can read this you`re too damned close` embroidered on her panties and bra.
`Yes madam,` said the assistant,
`I`m quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?`
`Braille.` she replied.
Fujian elderly couple arrived at US Immigration.
�
Immigration Officer 1 turning to elderly man : " Do you have any fever?"
Elderly man look lost as he cannot speak english.
Immigration officer 1 asked again " Sir, do you have FEVER?"
Elderly wife shouted from back ; "E Bo La!"
�
Couple was brought into the interview room after the answer
![[shocked]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_s80xXp7dC1aq9T9wjTgjRGCqMizwoVLo4wdAl1VofcoRLK9Zyj4JEvjGuO7n_c_cLVgWH6_Ammr-bWbw0VFm5Vth5CxALv9wP9meLrM2-ru-yqWKP92kQzr1hRsbB-pkmke3AsI4Q=s0-d)
Immigration Officer 2 asked both for their IDs.
Again the elderly woman spoke : Deng Ge ah,�I have them!"
�
Couple was brought into quarantine.
A rich lady is riding along with Her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna screwdriver?'
He says, "Hell, We might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."
�
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
`If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?` he smirked. `Yes,` said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
`Go and get help!` he cried.
`But I can`t! I`m naked and my clothes are gone!`
`Take my shoe` he said `and cover yourself.`
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,
`Please help me! My boyfriend`s stuck!`
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, `There`s nothing I can do. He`s in too far.`
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It`s probably because they have toys to play with!"
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room at the Maternity hospital,and he looked at a cool, and calm older man, who was reading a magazine.The younger man said,I guess you have been here a few times, Yes, said the older man. The young man said, "how long after the baby is born, can you have sex with the Mother?
The older guy said,"It depends if she's in a public ward or a private ward!!
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne.. .the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."
�Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? Because women wouldn't do them if they were called c**t scrapes.
�
Q. What`s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Monica went to the dry cleaners and said," Excuse me, I wold like to get my dress cleaned."
And the little old man was barely able to hear her and said,"What did you say?"
She replied,"I would like to get my dress cleaned sir."
And the old man still could not hear her and said,"Come again?"
She replied."
No, Mustard."
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.
"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of Her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, Her skirt hiked up to Her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"
One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local Pharmasave. He goes up to the clerk and says "Last night me f**k squaw, left nut go oomph right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"
Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabs some Trojans for professionals and tells the chief to come back and tell him how they worked.
The next day the big Chief comes back to the Pharmasave, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says "Last night me f**k squaw, left nut go oomph, right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"
The clerk thinks to himself "Damn, this guy has super ejaculation going on" so he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box read: This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.
The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him this, and to come back and tell him how it worked.
The next day the chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's real pissed."
The chief yells "LAST NIGHT ME f**k SQUAW! LEFT NUT GO OOMPH!!.RIGHT NUT GO OOMPH!! .. DICK GO OOMPH!.. CONDOM GO OOMPH!!... LEFT NUT GO BOOM!!"
Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.
"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."
"That`s fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don`t happen to live in a house that`s right on the beach!"
My neighbor is a BLONDE! Her name is Ashley Fuller! well my little sister was saying right before Christmas "Ashley, Do you belive in Santa Claus?"
Ashley (14) said "Of course Megan, I do!" Then my little sister came home and told me what she found out... I then walked over to Ashley's house and go "GIRL u r 14 how can u STILL belive in Santa??"
she siad "well unlike your house Santa comes to my house every night.. I dont leave him MILk .. we crate white stuff!
I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to Her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to Her place, I sort of followed Her to a McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into Her while we were both in line. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really Her that I brushed into, it was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though !
And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly. She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil' bird look in Her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.
I would have caught up with Her too, had she not flagged down that Police car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking" though. I mean, come on, give me a break here.
lBut anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days; the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.
A guy is dating three women and can`t decide which one to marry.
He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money.
The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank.
The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.
Which one does he end up marrying?
The one with the biggest boobs.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
What do kids do when they fake sick?
They watch TV.
They play video games.
They have parties.
What do Adults do when they get sick?
They go around the house naked and flash themselves when a hottie comes or
Call up all their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends and f**k them all up.
A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London
"How much?"
he asked
"It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart
"American Express?"
he inquired
"You can go as fast as you like" she said
"Y`all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."
"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."
"I don`t give a damn if they passed them out on Noah`s Ark if they ain`t any good," the Texan retorted.
"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy`s fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."
This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu.
A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.
The guy says `I`d like a quickie`.
The waitress flushes and says `That`s not funny. Now, what would you like to order.` The guys says, `I`d really like a quickie`.
The waitress angrily storms off after this.
Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, `I think that it`s pronounced quiche...`
There`s this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy Jack loves Wendy a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets `Wendy` tattooed on His penis. When it`s erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads `Wy`.
So, when she sees her name on His masculine member, she is overwhelmed.
He pops the question and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon.
Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.
They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.
He walks over to the bar with His deflated love muscle, trying not to let His eyes wander and end up embarrassing himself.
He orders a drink from the Jamaican guy at the bar, who is also naked.
He is surprised to note that the bartender also has `Wy` tattooed on His penis!
Jack says to the guy, `Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named "Wendy" and her name is tattooed on your penis, too?`
The bartender looks slowly down at Jack, back to His and starts
laughing.
Flashing a wide grin, he says, `No, mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day."`
A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. "They come in packets of 3, 6 or 12," responds the pharmacist, "How many do you need?"
"Well" muses the young man, "I`ve known this wonderful girl for 7 months. Tonight I`m meeting Her parents for the first time, then we`re off to an all-night party. So I think tonight`s the night. And, once she gets it, I know she`ll want more. Better give me a dozen!" Having made His purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at His girlfriend`s house.
At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays - and prays - and prays - and prays. Finally, His girlfriend leans over and says "You never told me you were so religious!"
He answered her, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"
Three women are discussing sex and birth control.
The first woman says,
`We`re Catholic, so we can`t use it.`
The second woman says,
`I`m also Catholic, but we use the rhythm method.`
The third woman says, `We use the bucket-and-saucer method.`
Fascinated, the other women ask for an explanation.
`Well, I`m 1.80 m and my husband is 1.50 m,` the third woman says.
`We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.`
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we`re so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn`t prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Q. Why do women have orgasms? A. It gives them one extra reason to moan.
Q: Why does it take so long for a woman to have an orgasm? A: Who cares?
When is a pixie not a pixie? When he's got His head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
�Why do female sky divers wear tampons?
So they don`t whistle on the way down.
What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?
You just have to remember one thing --- Don`t look down!
Three guys were challenged by a girl who said, "Whoever can make me scream the most gets $100.
The white guy goes in and comes back out in a half hour and says, "Damn! I just couldn`t make Her scream."
The black guy goes in for an hour but comes out saying, "Man, it is just not possible!"
Finally the Chinese guy goes in with a smile on his face. He returns after 10 minutes and forty screams.
Both the other guys say, "How in Hell did you do that?"
"Me play old trick," he says, "put hot sauce on my poker!
�A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."
His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
"So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?"
says the man.
"I don't know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big money. Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost. Joe planned and planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back His money.
The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women. He placed them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing him, the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him. Guess that one! he exclaimed, triumphantly.
Ah, that?s easy, the William Tell Overture, responded Tom.
How did you guess? asked Joe. Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!
Did you hear why the fag put His ass in the refrigerator?
So that His boyfriend would have something cool to slip into when he came home.
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go."
"Good idea," she says.
"While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."
"Yes sir," says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"
What did the pussy say to the dick?
Lets hook up.
On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening. "OH. It's not over yet", says he. Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills? "Aspirin", says he.
"But I don't have a headache," says she.
"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet," says he.
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn`t leaving the house.
George`s Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George`s best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George`s wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That`s from the guy who shit in my pants."
Why is pubic hair curly?
So you don`t poke your eyes out!
�
Olga, the Danish chambermaid at the Catskill mountain hotel, was constantly being chased by Hirshberg, one of the guests. Every time he got near her, she ran away from him.
One day he grabbed the pretty Dane and whispered his sexual request in Her ear.
To his amazement, she agreed to meet him in his room that night.
"If you`re willing," said the man, "why did you keep running away from me?"
"Well," said the Danish girl, "all time I tink you vant extra towel!"
A man was relaxing in His back garden, sitting in the shade, sipping a beer and listening to the radio.
As he chilled out, His wife struggled with a manual mower, pushing it up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
The man`s next-door neighbor saw the woman battling with the mower and shouted across the fence, "You pathetic excuse for a man! You`re just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung."
"I am." the man shouts back. "That`s why she`s doing the grass."
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.
"I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said.
"Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered.
"But I got mine pregnant."
One day at the office, Michael ran into Dick by the water cooler. Normally Dick who is young, single is energetic all day, but that day he looked beat.
"Hey Dick! How's it going?"
asked Michael.
"I'm not feeling too good today. In fact, I'm utterly exhausted," answered Dick.
"I pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."
"What's a pulled muscle got to do with you feel so tired?"
Michael asked.
"A pulled muscle doesn't make you tired!"
Dick yawned and said, "It sure does if you pull it five hundred times in one night!"
A guy goes running into a sex shop to return His blow-up doll.
He says to the owner, "Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back."
The owner says, "Hell, if I'd have known she was going to do that, I'd have charged you $75!"
What`s green and red?
A very mad frog. �
�
�
What`s green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox! �
�
�
What`s green with bumps?
A frog with the measles! �
�
�
What`s black and white and green?
A frog sitting on a newspaper. �
�
�
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad! �
�
�
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it! �
�
�
How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy. �
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What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A rubbit! �
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Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
He liked a good croak and dagger. �
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What happened to the frog`s car when his parking meter expired?
It got toad! �
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What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?
A dirty double-crosser! �
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What`s green green green green green?
A frog rolling down a hill �
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What is a frogs favorite time?
Leap Year! �
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Why did the frog go to the mall?
Because he wanted to go hopping. �
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Why did the frog walk across the road?
He didn`t... he jumped. �
Why did the frog cross the street?
Because the chicken crossed the road. �
Why did the frog cross the road?
To see what the chicken was doing.
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Why did the frog cross the road?
Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken. �
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How do you confuse a frog?
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. �
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How does a frog confuse you?
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better. �
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What did the frog say to the fly?
You are really starting to bug me! �
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What does a frog say when it sees something` great?
Toadly awesome! �
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What do you call a frog with no legs?
It doesn`t matter- he won`t come anyway. �
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What do you call a frog with legs?
Dinner. �
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What did one frog say to another?
You`re such a WART! �
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Why did the frog croak?
Because he ate a poisonous fly! �
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What is a frog`s favorite game?
Croaket �
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What did the frog order at McDonald`s?
French flies and a diet Croak �
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Why did the frog go to the hospital?
He needed a "hopperation" ! �
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What is the thirstiest frog in the world?
The one who drinks Canada Dry! �
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What`s red and green and goes 175 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender. �
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What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits! �
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What does a bankrupt frog say?
"Baroke, baroke, baroke." �
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What has more lives that a cat?
A frog that goes croak every night. �
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Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit. �
Why are frogs such liars?
Because they are amFIBians
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How can you tell a frog doesn`t have ears?
They don`t move when a car is coming toward them. �
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What did the frog do after it heard a funny joke?
It started to croak up!��
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. �
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LOUISE WOODWARD: Because it wouldn`t shut up! SHUT UP! �
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BARRY SCHECK: Were you there? WERE YOU? Did you see that chicken cross that road? Well? DID YOU?? �
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O.J. SIMPSON: Absolutely one-hundred percent unsure.� �
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JACK NICHOLSON: `cause it f******g wanted to. That`s the f******g reason. �
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RONALD REAGAN: I forget. �
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RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. �
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HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmm. Chicken. �
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JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn`t anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" �
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BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2001, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. �
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OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" �
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COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?�
Q. What's the difference between a Blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
There are 3 blondes still in the mothers womb. one day they were thinking what they would do when they grow up.
-the first blonde thinks hard and says that she wants to be an electrician to get some damn light in here.
-the second blonde thinks just as hard and says that she wants to become a plumber to get rid of the water in here.
-the third thinks real hard and finally says that she wants to be an exterminator.
the other 2 looked at her like she was crazy and had to ask, "WHY?"
"So i can kill that f**ken beaver that keeps sticking its head in here"
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Why do gays enjoy hanging out with criminals?
Because they find a**holes irresistible.
I know I haven`t known you very long and I shouldn`t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven`t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I`d be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it`s very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there`s always that doubt."
His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
"While I`m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there`s always that doubt."
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
"So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."
"Then what happened?" says the man.
"I don`t know. It was too dark to see."
"Damn, you see what I mean? There`s always that doubt."
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He`s an a**hole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You`re back at work on Monday.
A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doc, Doc, my penis has been burning lately."
And the doctor says reassuringly, "Don`t worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."
A bloke went to his mate`s fancy dress costume party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.
"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.
"I`m a snail," the bloke replied.
The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you`ve got is that naked girl on your back?"
The bloke replied. "That`s Michelle."
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
You can do it with no hands, but it`s best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
One day a guy picks up a hooker. He takes her to a fleabag motel, and they get undressed and get into bed. He gets excited and they go ahead and start messing around. He puts his knob into her and commences to screw her, when he notices that her insides are rough, and are scratching the daylights out of him. Guy says,"Baby, your pussy is killing me. What's the problem?"
She replies, "Excuse me for a minute."
She goes into the bathroom, then returns. They start to have sex again, and he notices it is smooth, and even quite lubricated. They get done, and he asks," What happened? It was so rough, and then when you got back, it was great. What did you do?"
She replies, "Oh, I just picked off the scabs."
A guy goes out to buy a pair of shoes. He sees these boots in the front window and buys them. When he went home he asked His wife if seh noticed anything different about him and he replied "no."
He asked Her again, "Come on look harder. Do u notice anything different about me?"
the wife replied "no."
So we went to the bathroom and and took off all of His clothes, and only had His boots on and came out. This time he asked Her a little bit louder,"DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME! she replied, "no your penus was hanging down yesterday, its hanging down today and it will hang down tomorrow!" the husband said "do you know why its hanging down? because its looking at my new boots! the wufe replied "oh you should have brought a hat instead.
Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle.
10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.."
9) "Hmm... Is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?"
8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I expected."
7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do."
6) "It's supposed to have five points?"
5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!" 4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he's still here..."
3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?"
2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing."
And, the number one thing you don't want to hear from your mage..
1) "Oops..."
A guy goes out to buy a pair of shoes. He sees these boots in the front window and buys them. When he went home he asked His wife if seh noticed anything different about him and he replied "no."
He asked Her again, "Come on look harder. Do u notice anything different about me?"
the wife replied "no."
So we went to the bathroom and and took off all of His clothes, and only had His boots on and came out. This time he asked Her a little bit louder,"DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME! she replied, "no your penus was hanging down yesterday, its hanging down today and it will hang down tomorrow!" the husband said "do you know why its hanging down? because its looking at my new boots! the wufe replied "oh you should have brought a hat instead.
hahahahhaa...where did u find all these?
hahahahhaa...where did u find all these?
Trade secret~~~�from the web
Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket.
When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John`s balls."
Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?. Same time next month?.
What did the bee say to the wind. don't blow me now i just layed my honey
John and His girlfriend, Carol, were driving along one day. He noticed that she kept looking at him and smiling. Then Carol leaned over and whispered in John's ear, "Can you drive using only one hand?"
"I sure can" John grinned, thinking His luck was in.
"Good!" Carol said, "Then wipe your nose; it's running!"
Who's the world's greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor.
The doctor tells Her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.
When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on Her head facing the mirror.
She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.
The doctor goes over to the lady and rests His chin between Her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put Her clothes back on and he will talk to Her when she is dressed.
The lady puts Her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells Her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had Her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on Her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
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