Yo mama so bald even a wig wouldn't help!
Yo mama so bald you can see what's on her mind
Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo mama's so bald her hair looks like stitches.
Yo mama's so bald she curls her hair with rice.
Yo momma is so bald and talented she can blow dry her hair answer yes to all your questions and give head at the same time
Yo mama's so bald, Mr Clean got jealous.
Yo mama's so bald, that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deodorant!
Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.
Yo mama's so bald, when she goes to bed, her head slips off the pillow.
Yo mama so bald, I could polish her head and take her bowling.
Yo momma so bald, you can play air hockey on her head.
Yo Mama is so bald, that when i rubbed on her head i could see the future.
Yo mommas so bald, we thought the sun was rising when she got up
Yo momma so bald that when its cloudy out at night you still see a full moon
Yo momma so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like a busted condom.
Yo mama's so bald, you could draw a line down the middle of her head and it would look like my ass.
Yo mama so bald, I can tell fortunes on her head.
Yo mama so bald, I thought she was Mr Clean.
Yo mama is so bald she braids her moustache
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunts' peckers.
�
Q: Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
�
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
�
Q: What's better than roses on a naked blonde?
A: Her Tulips ( two lips ) on your organ!
�
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
�
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
�
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants..
�
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
�
Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.
�
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
�
Q: Why did the blonde get blown up into pieces
A: Because she bought a Palestinian Blow Up Doll from the Sex Shop
�
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
�
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
�
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
�
Q: How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
�
Q: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A: There is white out on the screen.
�
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
�
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
�
Q: Why are blondes bad at Hide and Seek?
A: Because they can never find the sausage.
�
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
�
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A: They both swallowed a lot of semen.
�
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
�
Q: Why do blondes always want boob jobs?
A: Because it's the only job they are qualified for.
�
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
�
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
�
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
�
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
�
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get f**ked up when they're on their back.
�
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
�
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
�
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
�
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
�
Q: What do you call a blond with a brain?
A: A golden retriever.
�
Q: Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
�
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
�
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
�
Q: Why don't blondes talk while having sex?
A: Their moms told them NEVER to talk to strangers.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
�
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
�
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
�
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
�
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
�
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
�
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
�
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
�
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
�
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
�
Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?
A: An air mattress.
�
Q: Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
A: Under "Home Improvements."
�
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
�
Q: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?
A: She sticks it in the microwave!
�
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
�
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
�
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
�
Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
�
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche
�
Q: Why does a blonde dog have lumps on his head?
A: From chasing parked cars!
�
Q: Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
A: So she could see what was on the other side!
�
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
�
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
�
Q: What do blondes and dog shit have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
�
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
�
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
�
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
�
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
�
Q: What happened after the blonde ran to meet her long lost twin sister?
A: She got 7 years of bad luck for breaking her nose on the mirror
�
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Put "flip" on both sides of a piece of paper!
�
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
�
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
�
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
�
Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
�
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
�
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
�
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
�
Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
�
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, "Sorry, try again."
�
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.
�
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
�
Q: Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
A: Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
�
Q: What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
�
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
�
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
�
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
�
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
�
Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
�
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
�
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
�
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
�
Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
�
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
�
Q: Whets the difference between a pregnant blonde and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb
�
Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A: They get laid all over America.
�
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerio?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
�
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
�
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
�
Q: What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing, they haven't met!
�
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
�
Q: what is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold onto a thought.
�
Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A: A mental block.
�
Q: What goes "Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screech?"
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.
�
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
�
Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump me Dump me.
�
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
�
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
�
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
�
Q: What does a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: You can put three fingers in both of them, throw them in the gutter, and they'll still come back for more.
�
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: Because she kept throwing away all of the W's
�
A blonde went to the bathroom. She had to go #2. She got out of the bathroom and she went to her mom and said look mom I found a friend!
�
Q: What does a blonde and a tornado have in common?
A: At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing and then you lose your house!
�
Q: What do u call a blond with 2 ponytail ?
A: A blowjob with handlebars!
�
Q: How can you tell if a blonde woman is having a bad day?
A: If she is wearing a tampon in her ear and she cant find her pencil.
�
Q: If a blonde and a brunette were to jump off a bridge at the same time witch one would hit the water first?
A: The brunette cause the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
Q: Why did the blonde highjack a plane and demand to be taken to Jeopardy
A: Because she was told that 1000 jobs were in Jeopardy.
Q: how do you recognise a blonde at the beach
A: They were their G-strings back to front
Q: What do you call a blond who never took a shower
A: A dirty blonde
Q: Do you know 50 Cent's half brother's name?
A: 25 Cent.
Q: What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a sweater for Christmas?
A: Gee you knit
Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?
A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.
Q: What did Tony yoyo say when 50 Cent got a new sweater?
A: G-U-NIT
Q: Why couldn't G-Unit get on the bus?
A: Because they didn't have 50
Q: Why is 50 Cent a cat?
A: He has 9 lives (...He was shot nine times)
Q: What did the record producer say about 50 cent?
A: 'Why am I producing a no talent, incompetent, ignorant, African-American such as yourself?'�
Q: What is 50 cent called when he's in Canada?
A: 58 cent
Q: Why did the girl put two quarters in her ear?
A: To hear 50 cent
Son: Hey dad can I go to a 50 cent Concert
Dad: Sure, take a friend there's a dollar on the counter:
Q: Why did 50 Cent turn off the TV?
A: The Game was on�
Q: Did you hear about that car 50 Cent sent to his mechanic?
A: The engine was shot...just like everything else.
Q: What did the record producer say about 50 cent?
A: 'Why am I producing a no talent, incompetent, ignorant, African-American such as yourself?'�
Q: What is 50 cent called when he's in Canada?
A: 58 cents
Edited by Byteslurve, 13 October 2014 - 09:54 AM.
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho.
After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers:
When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I�ll f**k her.
When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car.
Tonight, my parents will f**k.
Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman,
AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.
"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He�s got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What�s the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it�s nowhere near long enough. It�ll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That�s quite impressive, but it�s still
pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."
There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.
Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk.
He says,'Open the vault skank'.
The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here'.
The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your f**king head off'.
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'.
The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank'.
The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your f**king head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave'.
The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your f**king head off'.
So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that f**king dificult is it'.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captian
Guy: capt. capt.! theres no women on borad what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happed!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one.
I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "Oh hell yeah they all say" so I�m telling them about mine.
So I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area.
It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where.
so i�m like oh shit "holy shit what did she do" asks my friend
I reply "The first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaaaahhh!"
This woman�s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you�re bad luck....."
One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay�s leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor��Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis�� the doctor told him ��Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself�� Bob asked�� Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom�� The doctor says ��Sorry theres nothing we can do�� So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain �� So what did the doctor say?�� Bob says�� Doctor said your gonna die"
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you�ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren�t you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother�s, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.
After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."
"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"
"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .
There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing.
They were called to apper in court the next day so the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight the duck said "blowing bubbles"
So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said "blowing bubbles".
Then the judge called up duck #3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and the duck said "No i am BUBBLES"
Penis breath, a lover�s dread.
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasent as it tends to be.
Be grateful that he doesn�t pee.
It�s times like this you wonder why.
You bother reaching for his fly.
But it�s too late, can�t be a tease.
Accept the facts, get on your knees.
You know you�ve got a job to do.
So open up and shove it through.
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don�t drag your teeth or he might bawl.
Slide up and down, use your tonge.
And feel the precum start to run.
So when the f**k�s he gonna cum.
Just when you can�t take anymore.
Your hear your lover�s mighty roar.
And when he hit�s that real high note.
You feel it oozing down your throat.
Salty, fishy, sticky, nasty stuff.
Okay already, that�s enough.
Let�s switch you say, before you gag.
And what�s your revenge, your on your rag.
There was a class going on and a girl walked in and the teacher said "Where have you been?." The girl said " I've been on blueberry hill. Five minutes later another girl walked in and she was too and the teacher asked" Where have you been?" The girl said I've been on blueberry hill. Five minutes later a naked boy walked in and the teacher says " Let me guess you've been on blueberry hill too?" then the he says" I am bluberry hill.
Editors Note: You can invert the sexes if you change the preposition from "on" blueberry hill to "in" in blueberry hill
Q: What is the origin of the word "Boob"?
A: The "B" is the aerial view, the "oo" is the front view, the "b" is the side view.
Q: What do toys and boobs have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!
Q: What did saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "If we don't get some support here people are going to think were nuts."
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies!
Q: What do you call a woman who adds a third boob?
A: A chestnut.
Q: Why did God give women breasts?
A: So men would take to them!
Q: What did the ghost say to the hornets?
A: BOO bees.
Q: What do you call the space inbetween Pamela Anderson's breasts?
A: Silicon Valley.
Q: Why are redheads flat chested?
A: It makes it easier to read their T- shirts
Q: What do you call identical boobs?
A: Identitties.
Q: What do you call a redhead with large breasts?
A: A mutant.
Q: How are a blonde's breasts and a pad alike?
A: Neither are recomended for the beach and both come in different absorbency levels.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What's blue and has 100 nipples?
A: The dumpster at the cancer clinic.
Q: What did one boob say to the other boob?
A: You�re my breast friend.
Q: Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
A: Her boobs were too big for B shells.
Q: Why did God give women boobs and nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men!
What do call the moisture on Dolly Parton's chest?
Mountain DEw
Q: What do you call that patch of hair between an old ladys tits?
A: Her snatch.
Q: What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman have in common?
A: If you take away the legs and the breast you're left with a smelly greasy box?
Q: Why did the Blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Whats big black, inside of a women, and is usually near theyre boobs?
A: Tumors
Q: What do you call a girl without boobs?
A: Justin Bieber
Q: Why is a push up bra like a bag of chips?
A: You open it and its half empty
Q: When is the last time most overweight men have touched a breast?
A: In a KFC bucket
A push up bra is like a bag of chips
You open it and its half empty
Q: What happens when you push two giant boobs together?
A: you create an asteroid. ( . )( . ) = ( . )
I was once slapped in the face by a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Boy: If you had no legs, would you wear socks?
Girl: No.
Boy: Then why do you wear a bra when you have no boobs?
Boy asks his new hot step mother: "What do you feed your baby?"
Step mother: "Milk and orange juice."
Boy: "Which side is orange juice?"
Young Reporter
A young reporter was having trouble finishing her byline.
The editor specifically told her they can't print the words breast or boobs.
The young reporter thought long and hard.
Finally he handed the Editor the following report.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"
Boob Size Grades
A ---> Almost Boobs
B ---> Barely there.
C ---> Can't Complain!
D ---> Damn!
DD ---> Double damn!
E ---> Enormous!
F ---> Fake
G ---> Get a reduction!
Drunk Blonde
A drunk blonde woman was sitting at a bar says to the barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she waves him over again and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn."
The barman looks her up and down and says, "First off, it's bartender, not barfender. Second off, it's martini, not marhini. And third, you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray."
Kinds of Boobs
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
Elephant & Camel
An elephant asked a camel,"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.
Breast Stroke
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant.
Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her.
They embraced the young girl as she came ashore.
After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
Boob IM Icons
Perfect Boobs (o)(o)
Fake Boobs ( + )( + )
Perky Boobs (*)(*)
Big Nipple Boobs ()()
A Cups o o
Wonder Bra Boobs (oYo)
Lopsided Boobs (o)(O)
Grandma Boobs \ o /\ o /
If You Could
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
Forehead
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now?
Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so".
Fine, then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right "
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so".
"Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break "
"I"m not a carpenter and I don"t want to fix steps". He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don"t think so I"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried." Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a titty f**k or bake a cake".
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don"t think so!"
Boob One Liners
I love you with all my boobs, I would say heart, but my boobs are bigger.
Twin Peaks is just one giant boob joke.
Boobs are like women. Some are big, some are small. Some are real and some are fake. But we'd touch em' all.
My boobs are having a hard time deciding what they want to be when they grow up
Fake tan. Fake boobs. Fake nails. Fake hair. Tell us again how you want a real man.
My breast intentions keep making a mess of things
If it weren't for nipples, boobs would be pointless.
Don't expect a girl to have big boobs & a big ass if you dont have a big wiener
If men can't focus on two things at once, then why do women have boobs?
Booby trap backwards equals party boob.
My wife was so happy to hear how much I donate to charity.....until she found out Charity works at Hooters.
Having to watch what you eat because you don't want your tummy to compete with your boobs
Boobs: Proving that guys can focus on two things at once.
Victoria Secrets having a 50% off bra sale.... Too bad I like bras 100% off.
I walked into my sister�s room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby trap.
Why the f**k are bra's so expensive, all they do is hold boobs, I can do it for free
I think it's only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
Why is it called a training bra what are you training for the 100m breaststroke
Boobs are like the sun. Ok to look, but dangerous to stare. But that's what sunglasses are for.
That awkward moment when you're reading someone's shirt & it looks like you're staring at their boobs.
You're a boob. Just tittin' You're my breast friend.
Wanna know what slut stands for sexy, large, unforgetable, tits.
My girlfriend wanted a boob job for her birthday. So I bought her a bottle of baby lotion and whipped my cock out.
Friends are like boobs, some are small and some are big, some are real, and some are fake.
Boobs are like soda, nobody likes them flat.
I told your boss you quit working at KFC. I didn't like you touching other breasts, legs and thighs.
My girlfriend said she wants bigger boobs for her 18th birthday. So I got her pregnant.
Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.
I'd jog for exercise, but it just feels criminal for my boobs to bounce like that when not having sex.
Gravity apologizes to no one. Especially your breasts.
Boobie Pick Up Lines
"Your breasts look heavy. May I hold them for you?"
Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, Show me your boobs, I'll post them maybe?
I see your boobs and I raise my penis.
Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?
I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest!
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among them
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your breasts?
Hey Baby! I'd like to use your breasts as earmuffs.
If I had to wear a bra it would get on my tits
Nice tits. Mind if I squeeze them?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's in your bra?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
(Walk into her chest) "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened.
Boob Hanging Out
A blonde was walking down the street.
A policeman was walking the opposite way. "Hmmm," he wondered, "It looks as if that lady's right breast is hanging out of her shirt."
As he got closer, he realized it was. He approched her. He said, "Ma'am, do you understand your right breast is hanging out of your shirt?"
She replied, "Oh shit. I left the baby on the bus!"
Homework
A boy is walking home from school and he has to find 4 words and make a sentence
So he sees a plane taking off so he writes down take off
Then he walks passed a Zoo and he writes down zebra
Then he is at home and he is thinking of another word he sees his baby brother so he writes down Baby
Then he said to his teacher. Take off zebra baby
Milkman
Milkman brings milk to blondes door.
[old times,1950] notices, note, says please i need 5 gal. today to take a milk bath.in dismay
Man rings bell.
Blonde in robe opens door,milkman says "5 gal mam ,dont you mean 5qts."
She says no gallons, "I'm taking a milk bath today."
The milkman asks "Ok how would you like that pasturized?"
Woman replies, "No just up to my boobs!"
Edited by Byteslurve, 13 October 2014 - 10:17 AM.
Thanks for sharing all the wonderful jokes! :)
You're welcome
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What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion?
A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye!
I only trust people who like big butts......They cannot lie.
What was the movie "Superbad" originally about?
A heart-warming tale about Kim Kardashian's ass!
How do you tell if a chick is too fat to f**k?
When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
Piccassole
According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphones overheating?
Downloading images of Jen Selter's booty!
If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
Three feet of my cock up your ass.
What Do You Take When Your Butt Hurts?
Assprin
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
Because they�ve got big mouths and little dicks.
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who totally removed a woman's buttocks?
Disass-ter.
What do you get when you combine samarium, argon, tellurium, asenic, and sulfur?
SmArTe AsS.
What do you call a couple of nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?
His ass.
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your butt say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don�t stop"
Jen Selter's ass is so big, when she were born, the doctor said "Congratulations! Twins!"
Yo mama so ugly she has the booty of a stripper and the face of a trucker.
Roses are Red, Foxes are clever, I like your butt, Let Me Touch It Forever
I love you with all my butt, I would say heart but my butt is bigger.
A boss is like a babies diaper always on your ass and always filled with sh*t
Whoever invented yoga pants deserves a medal.
If you didn't want me to stare at your booty, you shouldn't have worn yoga pants.
Yo mama's ass is so hairy they have it on a sign at Yellowstone saying "Don't feed the bears"
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Yo mama so fat I told her to haul ass & she hadda make two trips.
Butt Pick Up Lines:
Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cause you have a pretty sweet ass!
I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice Ass!
Whoa gurl, where you goin?.....Tha National Booty Convention?
Girl, are you sure you're a muggle cause I'd swear that ass is magical!
Hey do you have an inhaler? Cause you got that ass ma!
Are you from the ghetto cause I'm about to ghetto hold of that ass.
They�re called "eyebrows" cus my eyes are browsin your fine ass
Are you from Mars beucase your ass is out of this world.
Has any one ever told you your ass looks like a phone cause I want to hit the pound button all day long.
Your ass is pretty tight, want me to loosen it up?
Hey, is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd sure love to tap THAT ass!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put my dick in your ass!
I hope you have a sewing machine, cause im gonna tear dat ass up
Yeah. I'm an a**hole, but will that stop me from getting in yours?
So, what are the chances of my balls slappin' your ass tonight?
I think that convex butts are ALWAYS better than concave butts.
My dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?
(Looking at a girls ass) Where does this bus go anyway?
I like being able to breathe but I wouldn't mind having that ass-thma
Barbeque
Mark and his wife were working in their garden one day when Mark looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's booty.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Mark is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this Big-A$$ grill for one little weenie?"
Toilet Paper
Stepping out of the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of simply telling her it's not so, the husband jokingly comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"
Nursing School
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her a**hole does during an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
Car Salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don�t sell more cars this month, I�m going to lose my f**king ass!"
Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That�s okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don�t sell more ass this month, I�m going to lose my f**king car!"
A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I�ll spend the night with you, but I�ve got to let you know up front that I�m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That�s OK. I�ll follow you on my Moped.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Q: Why are Boyfriends like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!
Q: What is the difference between motorbike and boyfriend?
A: Well, bike is first kicked than used and boyfriend is first used than kicked.
Q: What does a penis and a boyfriend have in common?
A: All men have one!
Girlfriend: Wanna see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure, babe.
Girlfriend: BAM! You're single.
Q. How can you tell if your boyfriend is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q: What do you call a man made out of garbage?
A: Your ex-boyfriend!
Q. When would you want a man's company?
A. When he owns it!
Q. How do you get your boyfriend to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Do you know how to tell if your boyfriend is geting fat?
He can wear your husbands clothes...
Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their boyfriends paycheck!"
Q: Why do only 10 percent of boyfriends make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Q: How can you tell when your boyfriend is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for boyfriends?
A: It changes their DNA.
Q: Why are boyfriends like cars?
A: Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Q: How many ex-boyfriends does it take to tile a bathroom?
A: Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Q: How do boyfriends exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini
Q: What do a good employee and a boyfriend have in common?
A: They're always coming early.
Q: What does a boyfriend and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a boyfriend watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Q: What's a boyfriends definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: What do you call a boyfriend who Masterbates more than twice a day?
A: A Terrorwrist
Q: How does a boyfriend show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys an extra case of beer.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
A: A Boyfriend.
Q: What is a major turnoff?
A: When your boyfriend talks about his ex.
Q: Why does your boyfriend have a hole in their penis?
A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Q: What's a boyfriends idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Every guy should give their girl 3 things: A stuffed animal, jewelry, and one of his sweatshirts sprayed with cologne.
A boyfriend suppose to make yo panties WET not yo Eyes
A jealous boyfriend is a faithful boyfriend. If he doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has his
Kissing your boyfriend on the cheek(good) kissing your boyfriend in the mouth (awesome) Kissing your boyfriend in front of his ex (boss).
Boyfriends are like blue jeans. They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced..
A butcher goes on a first date and says 'It was nice meating you'
Every time I have to carry my groceries up the stairs, I wish I had a boyfriend.
A Good Boyfriend : Knows you, trusts you, loves you, respects you, honors you, supports you, wants you, and appreciates you.
My boyfriend is like my iPhone. I don't have one.
Boyfriend: Dear do you know that exams are like girlfriend?
Girlfriend: How funny?
Boyfriend: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful..
Boyfriend: Do you want a kiss?
Girlfriend: No.
Boyfriend: Do you remember what i just said?
Girlfriend: Do you want a kiss?
Boyfriend: Yes, if you insist..
Girlfriend: "If you were my husband, I would poison your drink".
Boyfriend: "If you were my wife, I would drink it!"
Boyfriend: "Life's a bitch, just like you."
Girlfriend: "Actually life is short, just like your dick."
Boyfriend: Amazing world, only 25% boys have common sense, very short figure!
Girlfriend: What about Rest?
Boyfriend: Well rest have GIRLFRIENDS!
Girlfriend: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me..
Boyfriend: What a joke? Okay then, let's start with Kisses!"
Boyfriend: "Hey babe, you smell that?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Me neither, start cooking."
Boyfriend: "Oh my god it smells like upsexy in here"
Girlfriend: "Whats up sexy?"
Boyfriend: "Oh nothing much, you?"
Boyfriend: I Have 2 words to tell you.
Girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: I love you.
Girlfriend: isnt that 3?
Boyfriend: No. because "You"& "I" count as 1
Girl: a**hole...
Boy: I've been called worse before.
Girl: Ha, like what?
Boy: you're boyfriend.
Mom: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Yes. Mom: Oh my gosh, I wanna meet him!
Me: Buy me backstage passes to his concert and we both will.
Snake Venom
One day a happy couple Jay and Marie were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay�s leg and bit his dick.
Since no one was around for miles Marie called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my boyfriend got bit by a snake on his penis"
The doctor told her "Maam your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself"
Marie asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom"
The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do"
So Marie goes running to her boyfriend
When she gets there Jay says with pain "So what did the doctor say?"
Marie says "Doctor said your gonna die"
Ex-Girlfriend
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn�t believe it when she asked if I�d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don�t know if I could keep pace with you now! I�m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I�d meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don�t mind a man with a waistband that�s a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I�ve put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled
So I told her to f**k off.
Rich & Poor
A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends.
"What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes."
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring."
And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"
And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself."
Flowers
A man comes home with a bokay of flowers for his girlfriend and she says "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
And her boyfriend asks "Why, don't you have a vase?"
�
Q: How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant
A: Burger King forgot 2 wrap his wrapper
Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
One cup and you're up all night.
Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements take Viagra
It may cause them to spin around and point north.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars?
You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
�
Q: Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A: Because its finger licking good!�
�
Q: What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
A: Diana can't stop either.
�
Q: Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?
A: Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome.
�
Q: What does BMW stand for?
A1: Bought My Wife!
A2: Born Moderately Wealthy
A3: Bavarian Murder Weapons
�
Q: What's the new Apple mp3 player that you use only when you are in the bathroom?
A: It is called the "iPOTTY"
�
Q: What smells worse than a Japanese 7-11?
A: Nothing!
�
Q: How is the trans-fat free Starbucks better than before?
A: There new trans-fat free Frappacino will pad your ass without clogging your arteries!
Edited by Byteslurve, 13 October 2014 - 10:20 AM.
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
Katie Holmes, Julia Stiles, and Britney Spears were working on a Ang Lee movie (Lesbian sequel to Brokeback Mountain)
They saw Ang Lee leave early. The next day they saw Ang Lee leave early again so they left early as well because the Ang Lee wouldn�t find out.
Katie Holmes went home and spent her day with her kids,
Julia Stiles spent the afternoon shopping and watching movies
And as Britney Spears went home she went in her room and saw her Ang Lee and Kevin Federline having sex.
The next day when they saw Ang Lee leave early the Katie and Julia said lets go but Britney said "I can�t.... I almost got caught yesterday."
The lone ranger and his Indian friend are walking through the desert
When the lone ranger exclaims ''I'm starving wheres that held of cow you promised ''
Then the indian put his ear to the ground and shouts out ''buffalo cum''
And the lone ranger replies ''How on gods earth did you know that''
''Ear stuck to ground '' He says
Three guys are captured by a tribe of natives in a far off land. They are brought before the tribal leader who gives them a choice. He says, "what will you have, death or bunga?". The first guys thinks, hmmm wonder what bunga is. "I'll take the bunga". The tribal leader says, "good". Then a dozen tribal members line up and give it to him in the rear.
The tribal leader turns to the second guy and gives him the choice, death, or bunga. The second guy thinks, hmm, that bunga thing is pretty nasty. But death is permanent, "I'll take the bunga". Tribal leader says, "good", and a hundred tribesmen line up and give him the bunga.
The tribal leader gives the choice to the third captive. He thinks a while, hmm, first it was a dozen, then it was a hundred, I don't know man. Heck with it, "I'll take death". The tribal leader says, "good, death .... by bunga".
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
One day NikNasty is walking into town with a wagon load of duct tape. Farmer Jim say's where are you going with all that duct tape.
NikNasty says "I'm going to catch me some ducks"
"You aint gonna catch no ducks with that there duck tape" Says Farmer Jim
But sure enough the next day NickNasty comes back with some ducks and a wagon load of Chicken Wire
"What are you going to do with all that Chicken Wire? Now don't tell me...." Says Farmer Jim
NikNasty says " I'm gonna catch me some chickens"
"You aint going to catch no chickens with that there Chickenwire" Says Farmer Jim
But sure enough the next day Niknasty rolls into town with chickens and a wagon load of PussyWillows
Farmer Jim says "Is that a wagon load of PussyWillows?"
"Yup, the finest I could find" says NikNasty
Father Jim says "Wait I'll go get my coat"
Hello?
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all!
OMG!!!
What bout your uncle paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You
know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.� Why don't we split up
today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south
and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
experiences over the campfire."�
The second friend agrees and hikes south.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then
I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks.
I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.
I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every
imaginable way all afternoon.
Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move,
So, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"�
"Nah," says the second friend eating his meal,
"I couldn't find her head."
Which of the following doesn�t belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
� wife
(d) blow job
(D) A blowjob, because its possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can�t beat a blowjob!
Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn�t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men�s clothing store and thought, "that�s what I need .. a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I�d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let�s see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That�s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let�s see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that�s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe�s feet and said "Let�s see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that�s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe�s waist and said "Let�s see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I�ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can�t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a cheerleader?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why is a cheerleader like railway tracks?
A: Cause she's been laid all over the country!
Q: What do cheerleaders drink before they go to a basketball game?
A: Root beer!
Q: Why did the ghost become a cheerleader?
A: She liked to show off her school spirit!
Q: What's the difference between a Cheerleader and a hockey player?
A: A cheerleader handles more than one stick at a time.
Q: What is a cheerleader�s favorite color?
A: Yeller!
Q: What is a cheerleader�s favourite cereal?
A: Cheerios.
Q: What do bananas do best in cheerleading?
A: The splits.
Q: What did the cheerleaders left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!
Q: What do you call a cheerleader with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.
Q: What do you get when you put 28 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: Why don't cheerleaders in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show!
Q: What's the difference between a cheerleader and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.
Q: How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They are too busy screwing the team!
Q: How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
A: H-E-L-L-O!
Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?
A: 10 class rings fell out.
Q: What's the difference between a cheerleade and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a cheerleader shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: Whom is the best cheerleader in the world?
A: The one that never misses a period.
Q: What do cheerleaders say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".
Q: whats the difference between a cheerleader and trash?
A: Trash gets taken out more often!
Q: What's the difference between a cheerleader and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
Q: What's the difference between a cheerleader and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
Q: Why was the cheerleader upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a cheerleader have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
Q: What's the difference between a cheerleader and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
Q: Why is a cheerleader like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
Q: How can you tell if a cheerleader has been playing with your computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a cheerleader?
A: Once you slap a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Q: What's a cheerleaders favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.
Q: Why is a cheerleader like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.
Q: Why does a cheerleader have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't shit on the street during a rally.
Q: What's a cheerleaders idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What does a cheerleader do if she is not in bed by 10pm?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Why does a cheerleader have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.
Q: How can you tell who is a cheerleaders boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and cheerleaders have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a cheerleader?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
Q: How do you get a cheerleader off of her knees?
A: Come.
Q: What does a cheerleader and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
Q: Did you hear about the cheerleader with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Q: Have you heard about the cheerleader virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
Q: What does a screen door and a cheerleader have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call a cheerleader with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What do cheerleaders do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their skirts.
Q: How do you know when a cheerleaders been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers!
Q: What's a 68 to a cheerleader?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
Q: What's the white stuff you find in a cheerleaders panties?
A: Clitty litter.
Q: How can you tell if a cheerleader works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.
Q: Why was the cheerleader disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Q: Why did the cheerleader get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.
Q: What did the cheerleader say during an adult film?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"
Q: What do cheerleaders eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
Q: What does a tornado and a cheerleader have in common?
A: They both eventually end up in a trailer park.
Q: What is the difference between an LSU cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish!
College Football Star
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"
Horny Cheerleaders
Three horny cheerleaders decide to take their boyfriends to a hotel and get f**ked.
So they check in at the hotel and go to their rooms.
But their parents get worried for them and go looking for them.
They find the hotel and go inside.
They go up into the hallway and hear their girls.
From one room they hear a loud scream. They barge into the room and shout, "Why are you screaming?".
The cheerleader replies, "because it hurts!".
Then, in the next room they here giggling, so they bust into the room and shout, "Why are you giggling?".
The cheerleader says, "because it tickles!".
Then, the parents listen and listen, but can�t hear the last girl, so they ask the other two where she is.
The girls show them to the last girl�s room, and kick down the door, to find the last of the girls still being f**ked.
Her parents ask her, "why the f**k weren�t you screaming, or giggling?".
The cheerleader immediately answered, "but you told me not to talk with my mouth full!"
�
This abrasive little chinese guy goes into a bar where a white guy is bartending.
He says "Hey honky how bout a gin & tonky?"
And the white guy smirks a little and says "Okay"
The little chinese man slam�s it and says "Hey honky how bout another gin & tonky?"
And the white man not amused gives it to him and he chugs it.
Then the little chinese man says "Hey honky how bout another gin & tonky?"
The white bartender says "Okay look here you little skeet skeet big dumb muthaf**ka LAST ONE"
The little china man replies "Why?"
The white bartender says "Because I dont like the way you speak to me.... how would you like it if I spoke to you that way?
The Chinese guy thinks about it for a second and says "Okay (as he gets behind the bar, signalling the bartender to the other side)"
The white guy pretends to walk into the bar and says to the china man "Hey chink how bout a drink?"
And the china man says "Sorry we dont serve honky�s"
There was an old motel out in the middle of nowhere when a big strong man walked in the door. He walked up to the counter and rang the bell. A small woman walked out from another room.
"Yes? How may I help you? By the way, my name is Darly,... hot stuff" She said.
"Well actually I'm married-" he started to say.
"Oh fudgie!" she mumbled.
"-um well any ways I need your largest room." he said.
"Well okay. But the largest room we have is a very small and haunted room all the way in the back." She said.
"I'll take it!" he said as he took the keys and went to the room to start unpacking all of his gym equiptment. Then he started to hear a smal tiny voice saying:
'I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island'
The guy became so scared the he ran and jumped out the window and ran away with his teddy bear and pajamas.
1 MONTH LATER
Another blizzard had came and a science nerd had went to the motel and asked for the largest room. He had gotten the same room the last man had gotten.
"I'm warning you, it's haunted" Darly said.
"Oh please, everyone knows there is no such thing as ghosts" He said.
When he walked in he heard the same voice:
'I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island'
He became so scared that he too ran out the window and never came back.
1 MONTH LATER
Another blizzard had came and a famous comidian had went to the motel and asked for the largest room. He had gotten the same room the last man had gotten.
"I'm warning you, it's haunted" Darly said.
"Oh please, everyone knows there is no such thing as ghosts. I may be a comidian but I'm not that stupid, sheesh" He said.
"Oh yeah right...that what the last guy said" Darly mumered to hersef.
When he walked in he heard the same voice:
'I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island'
He followed the voice to the bathroom and saw a cockroach sitting on a peice of floating shit in the toilet singing:
"I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island"
The guy looked down. "No your not your on a peice of shit!" He said. The cockroack looked up.
"I'm not?" He said with a tiny voice.
"No your not" The man said.
"Oh...okay..." he said. He started to sing again:
"I'm on a shitty island, I"m on a shitty island!"
Two guys are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The First Guy says "I got my wife a lexus, and a diamond tennis bracelet"
And the Second guy says why would you get her that?
So the guy says "Well if she doesn't like the tennis bracelet she can drive the mercedes?"
Okay I'm curious, what did you get your wife?
The second man says "I got her a dildo and a snow blower"
So the first Guy laughs and asks "Why would you get her that?"
So the Man replies "When if she's not in the mood to blow she can go f**k herself"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent�s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn�t come along, he�d still be alive today!"
What happens when you take Cialis and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time?
Just ask Don King.
Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements take Cialis
It may cause them to spin around and point north.
Q: What are the two main ingredients in Cialis?
A: Miracle Gro & Fix-a-flat!
Why did they put Cialis in chocolate bars?
You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why has Cialis been a big boon to comedians?
Because it helps them stand up
How did the first man die from using Cialis?
The tablet got stuck in his throat and he died from a stiff neck.
Whats the generic form of Cialis?
Mycoxaflopin.
A man goes into the chemist and asks for some Cialis.
�Have you got a prescription,� the chemist asks him.
�No, but will a picture of my wife do?� the man says.
Why couldn't they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
Because he overdosed on Cialis.
What happens to criminals who sell fake Cialis?
They face stiff penalties!
Why do nursing homes give their male patients Cialis?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Whats the difference between Niagara and Cialis?
Niagara Falls.
Did you hear what happened to the guy who choked on Viagra?
He got a stiff neck!
Why shouldn't single men use Cialis?
"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."
What happens when you get the Cialis computer virus?
It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
Why are guys using the Cialis-brand Chapstik?
Because its the best way to keep a "stiff upper lip!"
How many doses of Cialis does it take to change a light bulb?
One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
Why shouldn't you mix prune juice and Cialis.
You won't know if your coming or going.
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Cialis?
A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
Why is Cialis now being compared to Disneyland?
They're both one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
How did the American's finally find Osama Bin Laden?
The Americans heard he was hiding in a field. So they sprayed it with Cialis and the prick stood up!
Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Cialis?
A: She couldn�t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month.
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Cialis coverage, what are they going to use?
A growth chart?
How can you find guys who steal hundreds of bottles of Cialis?
Because they tend to be hardened criminals!
Diarrhea
Six year old boy stuck on the toilet with Diarrhea.
He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Cialis.
Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Cialis.
The boy says, "Well thats what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."
Q: What games to cocaine enthusiasts play?
A1: Cocaine Pong, its the same as Beer Pong but you simply empty out the beer and replace them with grams of raw cocaine. Start playing and enjoy!
A2: Hundred Dollar Bills, the game is similar to the drinking game quarters but you crumple up a hundred dollar bill and try to bounce it into a cup. If you win you use the 100 dollar bill to snort the cocaine!
A3: Snort, you simply watch your favorite tv sitcom, whenever they say the "special" word you snort cocaine!
Q: What's black on the outside and white on the inside?
A: Whitney Houston's nose! "
Q: What does a drug addict dream about on Christmas Eve?
A: Building a snowman using only cocaine.
Q: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?
A: He was a quackhead.
Q: What happened to the guy who accidentilly mixed Rogaine into his cocaine?
A: He's in the Guiness Book of World Records for the world's longest nostril hair!
Q: What do you call a person addicted to both cocaine and marijuana?
A: A Crack-Pot
Q: Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
Q: What do republicans think it's alright to do cocaine?
A: Cocaine is God's way of saying you earn far too much money!
Q: If cocaine were legal, what would the little packages be called?
A: Sweet N' High?
Q: What do you call a dictionary snorting crack?
A: addictionary.
Q: Who makes more money a cocaine dealer or a prostitute?
A: A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!
Q: Amy Winehouse's health is at risk due to her crack problem.
A: Her doctors say that if she doesn't wash it soon, she'll get gangrene.
Q: Why did Ann Coulter have to be rushed to the emergency room after doing cocaine?
A: Apparently she walked naked past a mirror and saw her penis!
Q: What will Amy Winehouse do with her 5 grammy awards?
A: Sell them on Ebay to buy cocaine!
Q: What film is getting its lead actress Lindsay Lohan a lot of Oscar buzz?
A: Coke Whore!
Q: What can tourists do on a $65 tour of gang turf in Los Angeles?
A: Purchase a postcard, t-shirt, and some crack cocaine!
Q: What happened after the government released a survey finding that most US currency is laced with cocaine?
A: The street value of a dollar bill jumped to $1.14!
Q: How do you know that a Mexican drug cartel has purchased your favorite cereal companies?
A1: Sonny, the Cuckoo bird for Cocoa Puffs was arrested for carrying a kg of cocaine!
A2: The Trix rabbit was found dead after an apparent ecstasy overdose!
A3: They use Tony the Tiger to promote an adult cocaine infused version of "Frosted Flakes"
A4: They change the slogan for Rice Krispies to "Snack on crack and pot...Rice Krispies!"
Q: What did a team of doctors say when Nicole Richie complained about her inability to gain weight while she was pregnant?
A: Doctors concluded that she should eat foods rather than cocaine and vodka!
Q: What happened after the Mexican government eliminated jail time for drug possession?
A: For the first time in history Mexico is worried about illegal immigration from the US!
Q: What can you infer after watching a Billy Mays infomercial?
A: He would one day die of a cocaine overdose!
Q: If legalizing pot in the USA can bring in billions in dollars in taxes, what can legalizing cocaine do?
A: Bring back the Bee-Gees and clothing from the 70's!
Q: Why was Tila Tequila caught stalking a beautiful woman?
A: The beautiful woman reminded Tila of her ex and the vial of crack cocaine she stole!
Q: What did George W Bush say after hearing Barack Obama admitted to using cocaine in high school?
A: "High school? I can't believe he waited that long."
Q: What are the first five words a crackhead in a three piece tailored suit hears?
A: "Will the defendant please rise"
Q: What's worth more than a black market kidney or liver?
A: Kate Moss' nose hairs!
Q: How did the WTA know that Martina Hingis was using cocaine?
A: She tried to snort the service line!
Q: What did Courtney love say after losing 45 pounds in 4 months?
A: Cocaine is yummy!
One Liners
It is absolutely insane to allow cocaine-addicted fiends on Wall Street to control the U.S. economy.
How is Columbia not a super power yet? They produce cocaine and coffee.
What if Instagram instantly gave you a gram?
Falling in love actually triggers the same response in the brain as cocaine, meth and ecstasy.
79% of U.S. paper money is contaminated with traces of cocaine.
It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn.
Chuck Norris once snorted a kilo of cocaine; it had no effect.
My drug dealer...cracks me up.
Snow White and The 7 Dwarfs" was actually based on cocaine. The 7 dwarfs were each side effects from the drug.
In the 1930's, heroin and cocaine were actual prescribed medicines.
I hate cocaine dealers. Always sticking their business into other people's noses.
I snorted enough cocaine last night to send Pablo Escobar�s grandchildren to Harvard.
Samuel L. Jackson has actually overdosed on heroin on multiple occasions, and switched to cocaine.
Tobacco kills more people in the United States every year than alcohol, cocaine, heroin, homicide, suicide, car accidents, fire and AIDS combined.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I�ve been seeing this girl for a while and she�s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight�s "the" night. We�re having dinner with her parents, and then we�re going out. And I�ve got a feeling I�m gonna get lucky after that. Once she�s had me, she�ll want me all the time, so you�d better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
Train Ride
A man with 8 children is traveling by train.
A lady asked: "Are they your children?"
Man: "No Madam! Actually I am the owner of a condom company and they are the complaints of my customers."
Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom?
One you go in the other you come in!
When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
A strong man barges into a bar feeling all pumped up to bang a chick.
He is confronted with this sexy bimbo waitress who falls head over heels for him.
The guy shows off his muscles and winks at this girl, she responds with A flying kiss of her own.
This continues for a while when fianlly the girl invites this dude to sleep with her at her place.
He accepts gleefully.
In the room
The girl is lying on the bed and the hunk starts to strip off.
He takes off his shirt pointing towards his biceps, says
"Look at them, these are one thousand pounds of dynamite"
The girl gets blown away at this sight.
Next goes off his pants and the focus is on his thighs, saying
"Look at them, these are one thousand pounds of dynamite"
Now she's starting to get wet and all ready for the trailor to ride home as the only thing left are the underpants.
Muscle maniac pulls out the jack pot and lets loose of his jumbo.
On sight of his dick the girl,
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh........... Get away from me" runs away.
The guy eventually catches up and asks
"What the hell happened?"
Girl "Danger! Danger! I had to go, I was scared"
Guy "What do you mean?"
Girl "With two thousand pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse
I thought you were about to explode"
A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said,
"Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll kick your head in!"
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says,
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Keep it up!
![[grin]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_tGQKZr4QQ933MdpzPIO1HUkuUZZ-NAjIukHESSeGmIhFlye2KMivr7Gp70qe7TQ8Gf3YDz5PaKybV8Kp9n-4sM8te0DiyKr2DT0LuuuKFAdkcrHQtY6YvDDd8K3VNxuceHQuA=s0-d)
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir." said Earl. "We're on the patch."
Keep it up!
Yup thanks!
These three men died in a bar fight and went to Heaven.
God told these Men that they could return to Earth an animal of their choice (excluding humans).
And they were told to jump off a cliff and say what animal they wanted to be.
the first one ran, jumped and said eagle.
The second one did the same and said bear.
the third one did the same but when he got close to the cliff he slipped and said shit.
Sure enough they turned into what they said.�
A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.
He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.
"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"
"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilets. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!"
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
If bars aren�t allowed to serve drunk people, then why is McDonald�s still allowed to serve fat people?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
what do butterflies feel in their stomach when they�re in love?
why can�t our mind tell the difference between hungry & bored?
Why is pizza round but come in a square box.
can you cry under water?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its turning on?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
Can a comedian bound to a wheelchair do standup?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a gender specific prison, which one would it get sent to?
What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2"?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Dumb Questions
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
How dead is the Dead Sea?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why don't they just make food stamps edible?
Why is a boxing ring square?
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample." says the officer
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." says the officer
"I can't do that, officer." Says the guy (with a full grin on his face)
Now becoming fustrated the officer says "Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Three men have a bet they had to throw their watches down a hill run down and catch it.
First the man from England went but the watch hit the ground
"Oh hell" he shouted
Next the man from scotland went and his watch hit the ground
"Oh hell" he shouted
Next the man from Austallia threw his watch in the air and did the shopping had a date came back and caught the watch
"Yes" he shouted
"Wow how you do that?" the other 2 men said
"I am austraillian my watch is 4 hours slow."
Edited by Byteslurve, 13 October 2014 - 11:33 AM.
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"
A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his ass. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says:
"Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out.
The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!"
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an a**hole when you're drunk."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says in an American accent, "I think liver and cheese sucks." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says in a British accent, "I find Liver and cheese to be a bit dodgey." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says in a mexican accent, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
This guy walks into a biker bar talking on his hand.
The bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?"
He says "I�m talkin on my phone."
The bartender says "What do you mean, you�re talking on your hand?"
He says "I know but it�s also a phone. Here tell me your number and I�ll call your house an you can talk to whoever is their.
So the bartender tells him his number and it works, but the bartender tells him not to talk on his hand here or he'll get his ass kicked.
So he walks in to the bathroom.
A hour later the bartender figures he probably got his ass kicked.
So he walks in to the bathroom and the guys standing naked in the middle of the bathroom with toilet paper sticking out of his ass.
The bartender asks "What are you doing now?
The guy replied "I am waiting for a fax."
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
�
I think that girl on MRT lost this stuff bunny ... ![[laugh]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vy7lHMYcIuGcEQDKKSfBR-MnyU7-5v6AaO2z_pgOvNbhy8t-RlJC1EUkqiI9ZIEqrXjAe4CZdbJHg0lx3wM9v7o7y5XY6Jhk1NJh8TnQO7Eor3RDh_LwywQMFWvc1b8801_VNyUQ=s0-d)
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."
�
I think that girl on MRT lost this stuff bunny ...
Lols, and the bunny found itself a new job. Perhaps the bunny is trying to email the girl where he is to come and bring him home
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Is Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.
One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit.
"Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"
Three Californians go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the San Diego School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of California School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy�s side and let him go. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I�m a Cal-Berkley Electrical Engineer, and I�ll tell you right now you�ll never electrocute anybody if you don�t connect those two wires."�
If A Dog Chews Shoes, What Shoes Should He Choose To Chew.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude
If you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish
Mixed biscuits, mixed biscuits.
You cuss, I cuss, we all cuss, for asparagus!
Colorful, caramel colored cows can climb in cold climates on colossal cliffs.
A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer!
I gratefully gazed at the gracefully grazing gazelles.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
While we were walking, we were watching window washers wash Washington's windows with warm washing water.
The soldier's shoulder surely hurts!
She sifted seven thick-stalked thistles through a strong think sieve.
If you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
I spy a spotted sandpiper seemingly sipping on the shore.
Rumbling in the chimneys, rattling at the doors, Round the roofs and round the roads the rude wind roars,
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled pepper?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper,
Where's the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked?
If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
A smart fella, a fella smart. It takes a smart fella to say a fella smart.
I wish I were what I was when I wished I were what I am.
How many slim slimy snakes would slither silently to the sea if slim slimy snakes could slither silently?
A maid named Lady Marmalade made mainly lard and lemonade. M'lady lamely never made a well-named, labelled marmalade!
Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish. but, if you wish the wish the witch wishes i won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
The big black bug bit the big black bear, but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
A good cook could cook good!
Crunchy Crispy Chicken Strips and sauce
Amtrak tramp stamp.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Surely the soft summer sun shall shine soon.
Sixty sleepy sheep shun sunshine shearing.
How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could bag douche?
She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore.
Swan swam over the pond,
Swim swan swim!
Swan swam back again -
Well swum swan!
Three grey geese in green fields grazing.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude.
Top chopstick shops stock top chopsticks
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
How many mounds would a groundhog pound if a groundhog pounds hog mounds
the sharp shark shop sells short silk shorts
Frogfeet, flippers, swimfins.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies
Vera bought a very big bag of very big avocados.
A big bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.
Don't trouble trouble, until trouble troubles you! If you trouble trouble, triple trouble troubles you!
A noise annoys an oyster, but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more!
I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop....Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits.
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.
On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a tosser then!"
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar..."
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.
At 4 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No you don't understannnnnd... I don't wanna get in, ah wanna get OUT!"
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"
The ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!"
This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.
"What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked.
"I'm on my works outing" came the slurred reply.
"Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?"
"Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"
Q: Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there's a Target on every corner.
Q: How does every Afghanistan joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Afghan and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Afghan beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
Q: What do you call a reflective Afghan girl?
A: Amira
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Afghanistan?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: What do you call a building full of Afghans?
A: Jail
Q: Why doesn't Osama go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
Q: What does Osama Bin Laden have in common with Fred Flinstone?
A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!
Q: What did the Afghan train conductor say?
A: Allah board.
Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Afghanistan?
A: You shout out, "B-52"
Q: A rich Afghani, a poor Afghani, and Santa Claus all jump off a building, which one will hit the ground first?
A: The poor Afghani, the other two don't exist
Q: What do you call an Afghan who owns a camel and a goat?
A: Bisexual.
Q: What do you call an Afghan who owns 6 goats?
A: A pimp.
Q: What do you call an evil Afghani?
A: Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.
Q: Who is an Afghan Hero?
A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What do you call 4 afghani women in a sauna.
A: Gorilla's in the mist.
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it.
Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q:Why did Bin Ladin stop having sex with his wife?
A:Because everytime he would spread her legs he saw Bush!
Last Request
One day in 2015, Russia bombed Afghanistan and America, so Iraq and the US had no choice but to be allies.
Then, an Afghan and an American were both captured by Russian terrorists, and they asked if they had any last requests before they got their heads blown off.
The American says, "can you play America the Beautiful one last time?"
The Russian guy asks the Afghani for any last requests.
The Afghani says, "can you shoot me before you play America the Beautiful?"
Mullah
A friend asked the mulla how old are you?
Forty replied the mullah.
The friend said but you said the samething two years ago !
Yes replied the mullah, I always stand by what I have said.
Donkey
You May Have Lost Your Donkey, Osama, But You Don't Have To Grieve Over It More Than You Did About The Loss Of Your First Wife.
Ahh, But If You Remember, When I Lost My Wife, All You Villagers Said: We'll Find You Someone Else. So Far, Nobody Has Offered To Replace My Donkey."
Genie
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam", asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 1,000 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Phone Call
Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions
Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Afghan.
So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss.
So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA.
LASTLY the Afghan made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent
Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them
"The Afghan call was a local call whereas your was an International call"
Bragging
A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and an Afghan guy walk into a bar.
They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging.
The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team."
Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team."
So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team."
Pausing, briefly, the Afghan guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Anita!
Anita who?
Anita Dick inside me!
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Budweiser!
Budweiser who?
Budweiser mother taking her clothes off!
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Buster!
Buster who?
Buster Cherry! Is your daughter home?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Do U Want 2 Cd's
Do U Want 2 Cd's Who?
Do U Want 2 C Deez Nutz
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Idaho!
Idaho who?
I da ho! Where da John?
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Howie!
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this dead body?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm drowning.
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Dewey!
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Butch, Jimmy and Joe.
Butch, Jimmy, and Joe Who?
Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, and let's Joe.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Helda dick
Helda dick who?
I Helda dick. and the wind blew it for me.
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Ivana
Ivana who?
Ivana hump your brains out!
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Madam
Madam who?
Help madam finger is stuck in the door.
Knock, Knock!
Who�s There?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!
Knock, Knock.
Who�s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some bitch telling you a f**king knock, knock joke!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
a**hole!
a**hole who!
Open the door and find out a**hole!
Knock Knock
Who�s There?
I suck
I suck Who
Michael Jackson
Knock Knock
Who�s There?
Ben Hur
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur over and give it to her doggy style!
Knock Knock
Who�s There?
(sexy voice) Who would you like it to be?
Knock Knock
Who�s There?
Justin
Justin who?
Your justin time to wipe my $$ !
Knock Knock
Who�s There?
Bo-Ho
Bo-Ho Who?
Stop crying pussy it�s not the end of the world.
Knock Knock
Who�s there?
"f**k you said"
"f**k you said who?"
"Me!"
Knock Knock
Who�s there?
Smell Map
Smell Map who?
EWWW your f**king disgusting!
Knock Knock
Who�s there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Knock Knock
Who�s there?
Andy.
Andy who?
And he bit me again!
Knock Knock
Who�s there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Knock Knock
Who�s there?
Urine!
Urine Who?
Urine secure, don't know what for.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Some!
Some who?
Some a**hole talking to a knock knock joke.
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Ben
Ben Who?
Ben down and lick my boots!
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Jenny Tull
Jenny Tull Who?
Jenny Tull Warts
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Butcher
Butcher who?
Butcher hands up this is a robbery
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Ima Reilly
Ima Reilly Who?
Ima Reilly Cumming
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Khan!
Khan who?
Khan-dom broke, hope you're on the pill!
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Justin
Justin Who?
Justin Heranus
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Tanaka!
Tanaka who?
Tanaka you up!
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Phil
Phil Who?
Phil McCrackin (you can also use Phil McCreviss)
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Ivanna Seymour
Ivanna Seymour who?
Ivanna Seymour Butts
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Tara
Tara Who?
Tara McClosoff
Knock knock!
Whos There?
Dozer
Dozer who?
Those are the biggest tits I ever seen.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Winner
Winner who?
My winners as big as a football field.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Eat mop
Eat mop who?
Hahahahaha
Girl: Knock Knock.
Boy: Who's there.
Girl: Pussy.
Boy: pussy who.
Girl: You don't get the joke.
Boy: You didn't finish.
Girl: Oh i'm done alright. (laughs)
Boy: How am I ever suppose to get pussy.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Your dogs dead
I hit it with my Jeep Grand Cherokee
Knock knock
Who's there?
yo mama
yo mama who?
yo mama yanking on my dick
Knock knock
Who's there?
School
School who?
School your ass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Meat.
Meat who?
Meat my dick!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Condom.
Condom who?
condom and suck this dick.
(come down and suck this dick)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iguana
Iguana Who?
Iguana touch your buttcrack!
Girl: Knock-Knock!
Boy Who's there?
Girl: Pussy!
Boy: I dont get it..
Girl: Yeah and you never will.
So if hooters delivered wouldn't they be called knockers? "Knock knock we brought wings.......and boobs"
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor�s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, �Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don�t do the following, your husband will surely die.�
�Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don�t burden him with chores. Don�t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.�
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. �What did the doctor say?�
�He said you�re going to die,� she replied.
A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?
French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.
Why do Farts stink? A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.
A cat in Florida had its life saved by a blood transfusion from a dog. Unfortunately, it later died from exhaustion after chasing itself around the house.
On Saturday the San Francisco Giants beat the Nationals in Washington in 18 innings. It was the longest postseason game in baseball history � proving that even in sports, it takes forever to get something done in Washington.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, �This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.� The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, �Which do you want, son?� The boy takes the quarters and leaves. �What did I tell you?� said the barber. �That kid never learns!� Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. �Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?� The boy licked his cone and replied, �Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!�
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I�m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there�s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
�
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Edited by Byteslurve, 13 October 2014 - 01:35 PM.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
�A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?�
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, �A lawyer?�
HORSE IN THE HOUSE
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse�s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe�s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.
Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe�s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, �I don�t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual��
Joe said, �When my wife comes home, she�ll look in the bathroom and say, �There�s a horse in there!� �
�Hey, how many times in a man�s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, �I know! I know!�?�
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best
of breed.
The first says, �I�ll grant you are the closest I have ever
seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than
yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No
foot, no horse!�
The second horse says, �I�ll allow your legs are just a bit
better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I
know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective
work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your
genius ferrier!�
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, �You�re
right. I stand corrected.�
In class the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked one of the students, What kind of bird do you like best, Jack?
Jack thought a moment, then answered, Fried chicken, sir.
The wife says to the neighbor: "My husband has not returned all the night; I do not know where he went. It really gives me a hangup!"
An insider says: "Let it be. Would you know where he went, I dare to say that you would be more anxious."�
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
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