A newly appointed health minister of a northern state (guess which?) whose knowledge of English was somewhat elementary was on his first official visit to the largest hospital in the Capital.
The Director of Medical Services took the minister round the operating theatres and general wards till they came to the women patients' section.
"This, sir, is the labour ward," explained the director.
The minister stopped in his tracks and said firmly, "I will not visit this ward. Don't you know we have a labour minister in the government? I must not trespass into his domain."
President Zia-ul-Haq's trusted barber seemed to have become infected by the popular demand for the restoration of democracy. One morning while clipping the President's hair he asked, "Gareeb Pur war! When are you going to have elections in Pakistan?"
The President ignored the question with the contempt it deserved from a military dictator.
At the next hair-cutting session, the barber asked, "Aali jah! Isn't it time you redeemed your promise to hold elections?"
The President controlled his temper and remained silent.
On the third hair-clipping session, the barber again blurted out, "Banda Nawaz, the awam (commom people) are clamouring for elections, when will you order them?"
The President could not contain himself anymore and exploded, "Gaddar! I will have you taught a lesson you will never forget."
And ordered his minions to take away the barber and give him ten lashes on his buttocks."
The barber fell at the great man's feet and whined, "Zill-e-Illahi (shadow of God), I eat your salt; how can I become a gaddar (traitor)? I only mentioned elections to make my job easier."
"Every time I utter the word election, Your Excellency's hair stands on end and is much easier to clip."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
During Zia's rule, a gentleman travelled all the way from Islamabad to Karachi to have an aching tooth taken out.
The Karachi dentist said, "Surely you have dentists in Islamabad! You did not have to come all this way to have your teeth attended to."
"We have no choice. In Islamabad we are not allowed to open our mouths," replied the man with the aching tooth!
A couple hired a new chauffeur. The memsahib asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.
Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."
"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."
Santa had saved up a lot of money to buy a car. But when he had required sum, instead of buying a car he brought a buffalo.
"Santa ji you were always saying you wanted a car to drive to the the market. And now you have gone and brought another buffalo. Won't you look ridiculous riding a buffalo to the market?" complained his wife, Jeeto.
Quite unabashed, the Santa replied, "Wouldn't I look more ridiculous trying to milk a Maruti?"
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!"
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Rayed instead.
"Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs just received a huge dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"
Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.
Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.
Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"
I don't login to facebook, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize that I am at home.
Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye... in case of any issues will call you back"
Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin !
Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.
And I, after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen.
So avoid working so hard !
Have a great work-life balance.
Lastly.....
Height Of Work Pressure:
An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.
Had a good laugh...
�
�
�
�
�
�
�
�
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, �You are back early, what�s wrong?� �I was stung by a bee!� she said. �Where?� he asked. �Between the first and second hole.� she replied. He nodded and said, �Your stance is far too wide.�
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A man asks, �God, why did you make woman so beautiful?� God responded, �So you would love her.� The man asks, �But God, why did you make her so dumb?� God replied, �So she would love you.�
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn�t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn�t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I�ve ever had! That's a real talent you�re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl�"
For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Women are like rocks. They're only cool after they get wet.
A boy asks his dad, �What�s the difference between potential and realistic?� The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they�d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he�d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, �A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!� He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, �Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he�s the hottest guy ever!� Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, �A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I�d be rich!� When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family�s responses, the dad says, �Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.�
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"
There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
Why did the women cross the road? I don't know, but what is she doing out of the kitchen?
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
Q: When can women make you a millionaire?
A: When you're a billionaire.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."
An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy." The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don't stop and ask for directions.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"
If women aren't supposed to be in the kitchen, then why do they have milk and eggs inside them?!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Q: Why are women's feet so small?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink while washing dishes.
They say that married men live the longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.
What is a man's ultimate shame? When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!
Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one of them turns to the other one and asks, "Hey, isn't that Hortense?" The other drunk chimes in and says, "No, she looks pretty relaxed to me."
A boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between a woman and a slave?" His father replies, "I don't know, what?" His son says, "No, I was asking a question."
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I have received hundreds of replies to my ad for a husband. They all say the same thing - "Take mine."
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? Same time next month?
What do women and screen doors have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.
�
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially Chicken, Lamb and Fish.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why. I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now..........
Edited by Byteslurve, 19 October 2015 - 11:49 AM.
The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents.
Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e. the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see, each one of you is a little pane," and pointing to each child, he said, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And...."
It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.
Two boys were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.
Between gasps for air, one managed to say, "We better give up... because we'll never get this table into the house."
"Into the house?" screamed the other. "I thought we were moving it out of the house!"
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came upwith a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids run off, made up their ownsign and posted it next to the farmer`s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read:
"Now there are two!!!"
Tommy`s house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.
Grandpa is pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it.
Tommy grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing everyuncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy s quite surprise but doesn`t pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy`s poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.
"Of course," answers Tommy.
"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.
Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He`s in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He`s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He`s in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?"
Mum: "Andy, where are you off to now?"
Rahul:"I`m going to join the army."
Mum: "But, legally you`re only an infant."
Rahul: "That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry."
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ and about the good deeds of Jesus Christ and his greatness. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy and directs him to his father. His father is also busy and so he goes to his elder brother. His brother kicks him out of the room, because he does not have time to answer his stupid questions. Very curious, he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who is Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
A boy was caught stealing a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up.
A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, "You are wasting time on small items. Why don`t you rob a bank?"
The boy replied, "By the time I leave school, all banks are closed."
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God is doing a lot better job lately."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I pray for a new bicycle... I pray for a new Nintendo... I pray for a new VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn�t deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but the grandma is!"
Usually a student is blamed if she/he fails to secure pass marks. But we, students, sometimes think that it is not the fault of a student if one fails because a year has only 365 days. Sunday - 52 Sundays in a year (they are meant for rest and watching TV) the remaining days are 313. Summer Holidays - 60 days (weather is so hot and it`s difficult to study). Eight hours of daily sleep, which means 122 days in a year what is left is 131 days. An hour, daily for conversation (man is a social being) which means 15 days. The rest are 116. Two hours every day for food and other delicacies, which means 30 days, leaving only 86. One hour for playing and other work everyday that means 15 days. The balance ? Well 71. Examination days, per year, at least 21 days . The leftover are 50. Winter vacation, festivals, parties, picnics and other holidays - 40 days What remains are 10 days. For sickness, at least 6 days. The rest 4 days - movies at least three days. The remainder is one day. Only one day left for annual days. So will our teachers kindly tell us when to study so as to fare well in exams?
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn`t know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"
Jill calls her friend Linda, Linda picks up the phone.
Jill : "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Linda : "Why?"
Jill : "I need to study cosmetics"
Linda : "Why?"
Jill : "Well, my English teacher says,` I have a make-up exam on Monday
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I`ll help you get the wagon up."
"That`s mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don`t think Pa would like me to."
"Awe, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won`t like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don`t be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Mrs. Jones sent her daughter Silvia to buy some groceries at the market. On the way, she met some boys who asked her to climb up a tree and get them some fruit, which she did. She bought the groceries and got back home to her mother.
Mrs. Jones: �Why did you take so long?�
Silvia: �I met some boys who asked me to climb up a tree and fetch them some fruit.�
Mrs. Jones: �Silvia, you should know that when boys ask you to climb up a tree, all they want is to see your underwear. You shouldn�t have done it.�
Silvia: �Mother, I know. That�s why I took them off before climbing up the tree.�
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I`m goin` to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I`ll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy`s haircut was completed and the man still hadn`t returned, the barber said, "Looks like your dad`s forgotten all about you."
"That wasn`t my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, `Come on, son, we`re gonna get a free haircut!`"
Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That`s it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnnie pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnnie`s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnnie`s mother looked up to find Johnnie and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnnie said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"
In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials.
So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on Little Susie .
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnnie.
Little Johnnie stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnnie?"
He responded by saying, "because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
One Saturday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "To err is nature, to rectify error is glory."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "George Washingotn."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you..."
Before she could finish this quote, another gal belts out, "John F. Kennedy."
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I`ll see you on Monday."
Edited by Byteslurve, 19 October 2015 - 02:03 PM.
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we`ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn`t be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don`t you boys know it`s a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he`d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Sonu do you see the tree outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Sonu: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Sonu: No.
Teacher: That`s my point. We can`t see God because he isn`t there. He doesn`t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Do you see the tree outside?
Sonu: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Sonu: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl: Did you see the sky?
Sonu: Yessssss
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Sonu: Yes
Little Girl: Do you see her brain?
Sonu: No
Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn`t have one?
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello Class, I`m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Little Johnny gets to his desk, the teacher asks him what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and then says, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That`s right." she coaxed.
Then after a few second, Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
During a lady's medical exam, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies and is interrupted by the doctor.
.
"No, no... just stick out your tongue
During a lady's medical exam, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies and is interrupted by the doctor.
.
"No, no... just stick out your tongue
![[thumbsup]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_ut2IGdWaG95sMYeQMKNDgVVCgOpX8-3o-XcwiOtVnligKrQqrAVUCL9h2S5MhUKx1Bm55UJ0plsH95onsk7BEwt2S2m1_D8JsOaE67GlYsNsKE1OYAGNI8VSzOYu5Y39KldV7YFays=s0-d)
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - Female... Ha...! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
In the poor zoo of India, a lion was so much frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
The lion thought it's prayers were answered when one of Saudi Arabia Zoo Manager visits the zoo and requests the zoo management to shift the lion to the Sauid Arabia Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central AC environment, a goat or two every day and a Saudia residence permit also. On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of peanuts was delivered.
The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, "Don't you know I am the lion.... King of the Jungle..... What's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering peanuts to me?
The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but...... errr..... did you know that you have been brought here on a Monkey's visa!"
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy.
"Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
Dear Boss,
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebratethe subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once againreturn you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
Two Pathans are traveling to Australia.
Before they leave home, one of their Gujju friends gives them both a bit of advice:
"You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."
At the Sydney airport, the Pathans catch a cab to their hotel.
When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My friend warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the Pathan.
"And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
At a dinner party the other night my wife tried to embarrass me by telling our guests about an argument that's been ongoing in our house hold.
"Yes," she said smugly. "He's well trained, I have constantly reminded him to put the seat down after he's used the toilet and like a good little boy, he now does as he's told."
They all started laughing at me then one of her friends turned to me and said, "Hha, totally pussy whipped aren't you!"
"No not really," I replied calmly. "I'v just been pissing in the sink for the last 6 months."
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a**hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a**hole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes, sir. With my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do!
Q: And do you have a locker in the room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers can not and do not lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have ?"
He answered, "12 children."
The agent asked, "Where are the others ?"
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother."
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie... they are creative.
There was a Lawyer who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart. He died soon.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the obedient wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Then her friend said: "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied: "Listen, I'm a wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the loyal wife. "I got all the money together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque. I put the Cheque in the casket. Now it is up to him to encash the Cheque. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
Believe it or not.... Lawyers are the most preferred husbands for ladies. Surprised? Don't be, I asked a girl why do you prefer a lawyer to marry?
She Said: They bow their head while entering the room and again while going out.
They say 'your honor,' 'my lord' before and after every word.
They don't have male ego because they wear gown, they go to a BAR wher liquor is not served.
More importantly they never question the judgement at least before the person who gives it, whether they like it or not. What more do I require?
A man goes into a bar, he's really pissed off. He sits down and orders a beer.
"What's wrong?" The barman asks him.
"Lawyers are a**holes!" he exclaims.
A huge redneck sitting next to him gets up, prods him on the shoulder and slurs, "Mister, ah take exception to that!"
Looking him up-and-down the man is confused. "Why? Are you a Lawyer?" he asks.
"Nope!" replies the redneck. "I'm an a**hole!"
Job Applicant: I'm looking for a job as a consultant.
Employer: I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.
Applicant: That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.
Employer: More than we can use already.
Applicant, as he is getting desperate: I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor.
Employer: It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.
Applicant, as he stands up and angrily yells, Work for you? I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!
Employer: Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Rayed instead.
"Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs just received a huge dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.
"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"
Two High Court lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, "Our secretary is so young, pretty and naive that she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"
"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client."
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: the bad news is that the dna tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene.
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?.
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol IS NORMAL!
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.
The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed.
The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét