11 January 2011 - 02:57 PM
Byteslurve A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they shared a drink. She slowly spread her legs ...
"Honey would you like some of this?",she said gesturing to her crotch.
"Hell no,look what it's done to your underwear!"
"Honey would you like some of this?",she said gesturing to her crotch.
"Hell no,look what it's done to your underwear!"
11 January 2011 - 02:57 PM
Byteslurve An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."
11 January 2011 - 02:57 PM
Byteslurve A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.
Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"
"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"
"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
11 January 2011 - 02:58 PM
Byteslurve I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Soccer program, often trying to abort Soccer with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Ah well, back to DrinkingBuddies 1.0.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Soccer program, often trying to abort Soccer with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Ah well, back to DrinkingBuddies 1.0.
11 January 2011 - 02:58 PM
Byteslurve Condom Week
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK:
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT
13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK:
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT
13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
11 January 2011 - 02:58 PM
Byteslurve Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
11 January 2011 - 02:59 PM
Byteslurve Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?
Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can?t beat a blowjob.
Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can?t beat a blowjob.
11 January 2011 - 02:59 PM
Byteslurve A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out in the countryside for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100...Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100...Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
11 January 2011 - 02:59 PM
Byteslurve Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?
If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?
If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
11 January 2011 - 02:59 PM
Byteslurve Sarah was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.
"Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.
"Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
11 January 2011 - 03:00 PM
Byteslurve Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered: "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned: "You mean I'm dead! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied: "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said: "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling Inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting:
"Brian, wake up you drunken b------d, you're shitting the bed!"
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered: "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned: "You mean I'm dead! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied: "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said: "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling Inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting:
"Brian, wake up you drunken b------d, you're shitting the bed!"
11 January 2011 - 03:00 PM
Byteslurve A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving the young lad with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair.
Unfortunately, the huge dinner had left the boy pot-bellied and dying to let out a fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he squeezed out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked.
The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"
Unfortunately, the huge dinner had left the boy pot-bellied and dying to let out a fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he squeezed out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked.
The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"
11 January 2011 - 03:00 PM
Byteslurve Two builders, Phil and Eric, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a welldressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: No way he's a stockbroker.
Phil: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: Er... mmm..well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: As it happens I've got a fivebedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a fivebedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: What's that then?
Phil: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: Nope.
Phil: Well then, you're a wanker.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: No way he's a stockbroker.
Phil: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: Er... mmm..well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: As it happens I've got a fivebedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a fivebedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: What's that then?
Phil: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: Nope.
Phil: Well then, you're a wanker.
11 January 2011 - 03:00 PM
Byteslurve The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," he said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!
"Perfect," he said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!
11 January 2011 - 03:01 PM
Byteslurve Male Masturbation Euphemisms
A
Abusing the wicked stick
Adjusting the antenna
Aiding and abetting a known felon
Applying the hand brake
Arguing with Henry Longfellow
Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Audition your hand puppet
Airing the orchid
Auditioning the finger puppets
B
Backstroke roulette
Badgering the witness
Barking up the wrong tree
Bash the candle
Basting the ham
Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
Being rough with the sex stick
Be your own best friend
Beat the bishop
Beat the bologna
Beat the dummy
Beat the meat
Beat the pud
Beat the stick
Beat up your date
Bleed the weed
Blow your own horn
Bludgeon the beefsteak
Bop the bologna
Bop the bonzo
Box the Jesuit Box with Richard
Brushing up on your typing skills
Buff the banana
Bugger your hand
Building upper-body strength
Burp the baby
Burp the worm
Butter the corn
C
Calling down for more mayo
Calling in the secret service
Caning the vandal
Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
Charm the snake
Check for testicular cancer
Cheese off
Choke Kojak
Choke the chicken
Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
Clamp the pipe
Clean your rifle
Cleaning out your account
Clear the snorkel
Climb the tree
Closet Frisbee
Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally
Combing your hair
Communing with nature
Consulting with your silent partner
Corral your tadpole
Couch hockey for one
Crank the love pump
Crank the shank
Crimp the wire
Crown the king
Crushing pop cans in the dark
Cuddle the kielbasa
Cuff the carrot
D
Daisy-chaining
Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath
Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
Date Miss Michigan
Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Debugging the hard drive
Defrosting the fridge
Digital penile oscillation
Discovering your own potential
Distributing free literature
Do handiwork
Do it your way
Do the janitor thing
Do the white knuckler
Doing your homework
Drain the monster
Dry humping the ottoman
E
Eating grapes with the one-armed man
Electing the President
Engage in safe sex
Exercise one's right Exercising your right to privacy
F
Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love
Feed the ducks
Feeding bologna to the Smurfs
Feeling your way around
Fiddle the flesh flute
Firing the pound gun
Fishing with dynamite
Fist your mister
Five knuckle shuffle
Flick your Bic
Fling your phallus
Flip the bishop
Flipping your omelet
Flog the bishop
Flog the dolphin
Flog the dong
Flog the log
Flog the mule
Flogging the egg man
Fly fishing
Fondle your flagpole
Free Willy
Frost the pastries
Frosting your maple bar
Frying up the corndog
G
Gallop the old lizard
Gardening with the golden trowel
Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
Get a date with Slick Mittens
Get the German soldier marching
Get to know yourself
Get your pole varnished
Give it a tug
Give your low five
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go blind
Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Go the blow
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Goose the gherkin
Grease the pipe
Greasing the three-legged cow
H
Hand job
Hard labor
Have one off the wrist
Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
Hitchhike to heaven
Hitchhike underneath the big top
Hitting too close to home
Hoisting your own petard
Hold the bishop
Hold the sausage hostage
Holding your own
Hone the cone
Honk your horn
Hosing down the driveway
Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
Hug the hog
Hump your hose
I
Investing in pork bellies
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
J
Jack hammer
Jazz yourself
Jerk Jamby
Jerk the gherkin
L
Left to your own devices
Letting the cat out of the bag
Liquidating the inventory
Locking the bathroom door
Look for ticks
Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne
Lope the mule
Love the Muppet
Love's labors lost
Lubricating the love monkey
M
Make a foreskin cone
Make instant pudding
Make the bald man puke
Making a cash withdrawal
Making chowder with sailor Ned
Making it up as you go along
Making magic with leftovers
Making soup
Making the bald man cry
Making the bread rise
Making the world safe for democracy
Mangle the midget
Manipulate the mango
Manual labor
Manual override
Master Bacon
Meet Rosie Hancock
Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
Milk the lizard
Milk the moose
Milk the self
Mount a corporal and four
Much goo about nothing
N
Nerk your throbber
Null the void
O
Oil the glove
Onan's olympics
One gun salute
One man band
One-night-stand with yourself
Opening the flood gates
P
Pack your palm
Paddle the pickle
Paint the ceiling
Paint the pickle
Painting the flag pole
Painting the picket fence
Palm the calm
Paying at the turnpike
Peel the banana
Perform diagnostics on your man tool
Pet the lizard
Pip the pumpkin
Play a little five-on-one
Play a one-stringed guitar
Play in a one-man show
Play peek-a-boo
Play pocket pinball
Play pocket pool
Play tag with the pink torpedo
Play the skin flute
Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
Play Uno
Playing it safe
Playing the one-stringed melody
Playing the single-string air guitar
Plugging in the toaster
Plunk your twanger
Polish Percy in your palm
Polish the family jewels
Polish the helmet
Polish the rocket
Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
Polish the sword
Pound off
Pound the bald-headed moose
Pound the pud
Pound your flounder
Pounding the fence post
Prepare the carrot
Prime the pump
Pull rank
Pull the bologna pony
Pull the carrot
Pull the goalie
Pull the pole
Pull the Pope
Pull the pud
Pull your own leg
Pull your taffy
Pulling your own weight
Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap
Pump the python
Pump the stump
Punch the clown
Punch the munchkin
Putting your best foot forward
Putting your foot down
Putting your thumb in the porridge
R
Raining on your parade
Ram the ham
Relishing your hot dog
Riding the five-legged pony
Roll your own
Rolling it off the lot
Romeo and himself
Rope the pony
Rope the Pope
Rub one out
Rub the pink eraser
Rubbing Buddha's tummy
Run off a batch by hand
S
Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
Safest sex
Sailing the mayonnaise seas
Saluting the general
Sampling the secret sauce
Sand wood
Scour the tower of power
Scraping the bottom of the barrel
Scratch the itch
Screwing your courage to the sticking place
Secret handshake
Self abuse
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Sex with someone you really love
Shake hands with Abe Lincoln
Shake hands with the midget
Shake hands with the unemployed
Shake hands with your John Thomas
Shake hands with your wife's best friend
Shake hands with Yul Brynner
Shake the sauce
Shake the sausage
Shake the snake
Shaking hands with Dr. Winky Shellac the shillelagh
Shemp the hog
Shift gears
Shine the helmet
Shine your pole
Shoot for the moon
Shoot putty at the moon
Shoot the airplane
Shooting yourself in the foot
Shuck your corn
Sizing things up
Slam the ham
Slam the salami
Slam the salmon
Slam the Spam
Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
Slap it
Slap pappy
Slap the carrot
Slap the clown
Slap the donkey
Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol
Slap the salami
Slapping Johny on the back
Sling the jelly
Smack the salami
Smiting the pink knight
Snap the monkey
Snap the rubber
Snap the whip
Solo flight
Solo marathon
Solo sex
Spank Elvis
Spank the bishop
Spank the frank
Spank the monkey
Spank the salami
Spank the wank
Spanking the rooster
Spending your Christmas bonus
Squeeze the cheese
Squeeze the juice
Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
Squeeze your cheese-dog
Squeezing the happy lumberjack
Stewing in your own juices
Stinky pinky
Stir the batter
Stir the yogurt
Strain the main vein
Straining your cabbage
Stretching the truth
Strip-mining with the spaghetti man
Stroke the carrot
Stroke the mole
Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
Stroke the satin-headed serpent
Stroke your poker
Stroke your Twinkie
Strumming the one-string harp
T
Take matters into your own hands
Take part in population control
Take the fifth
Take the monster for a one-armed ride
Taking a few practice shots
Taking a load off
Talk quietly to yourself
Tame the shrew
Taunt the one-eyed weasel
Teaching the Cyclops the lambada
Tease the weenie
Tenderize the tube steak
Tending to your own affairs
Test your batteries
That crazy hand jive
Thrash your thing
Thump the pump
Thump your thong
Tickle the ivory
Tickle the pickle
Tickle the taco
Ticklewigglejigglepickle
Tipping off the inspector
Toss the snag
Toss the turkey
Toss yogurt
Tug the slug
Twang the wire
Tweak your Twinkie
Twist your crank
U
Unleashing the alabaster yak
Unloading the gun
Unpacking the moving van
V
Varnish the flagpole
Varnishing the banister
Visiting with Papa Smurf
W
Wake the dead
Walk the dog
Walk the plank
Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes
Wallowing in self pity
Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel
Wash the meat
Wax the Buick
Wax the carrot
Wax the dolphin
Waxin' n' Milkin'
Whack it
Whack the weasel
Whack Willy
Whip the dummy
Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
Whip the one-eyed worm
Whip the rat
Whip the stiff
Whip the wire
Whip up some sour cream
Whip your dripper
Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
Whittle the stick
Wiggling your walrus
Windsurf on Mount Baldy
Wonk your conker
Work things out
Working at your own speed
Working late at the office
Working up a foamy lather
Working without Annette
Wrestle the dragon
Wrestle the eel
Wrestling with the bald champ
Wring out your rope
Wrist aerobics
Y
Yank the crank
Yank the yo-yo
Yank your plank
A
Abusing the wicked stick
Adjusting the antenna
Aiding and abetting a known felon
Applying the hand brake
Arguing with Henry Longfellow
Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Audition your hand puppet
Airing the orchid
Auditioning the finger puppets
B
Backstroke roulette
Badgering the witness
Barking up the wrong tree
Bash the candle
Basting the ham
Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
Being rough with the sex stick
Be your own best friend
Beat the bishop
Beat the bologna
Beat the dummy
Beat the meat
Beat the pud
Beat the stick
Beat up your date
Bleed the weed
Blow your own horn
Bludgeon the beefsteak
Bop the bologna
Bop the bonzo
Box the Jesuit Box with Richard
Brushing up on your typing skills
Buff the banana
Bugger your hand
Building upper-body strength
Burp the baby
Burp the worm
Butter the corn
C
Calling down for more mayo
Calling in the secret service
Caning the vandal
Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
Charm the snake
Check for testicular cancer
Cheese off
Choke Kojak
Choke the chicken
Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
Clamp the pipe
Clean your rifle
Cleaning out your account
Clear the snorkel
Climb the tree
Closet Frisbee
Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally
Combing your hair
Communing with nature
Consulting with your silent partner
Corral your tadpole
Couch hockey for one
Crank the love pump
Crank the shank
Crimp the wire
Crown the king
Crushing pop cans in the dark
Cuddle the kielbasa
Cuff the carrot
D
Daisy-chaining
Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath
Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
Date Miss Michigan
Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Debugging the hard drive
Defrosting the fridge
Digital penile oscillation
Discovering your own potential
Distributing free literature
Do handiwork
Do it your way
Do the janitor thing
Do the white knuckler
Doing your homework
Drain the monster
Dry humping the ottoman
E
Eating grapes with the one-armed man
Electing the President
Engage in safe sex
Exercise one's right Exercising your right to privacy
F
Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love
Feed the ducks
Feeding bologna to the Smurfs
Feeling your way around
Fiddle the flesh flute
Firing the pound gun
Fishing with dynamite
Fist your mister
Five knuckle shuffle
Flick your Bic
Fling your phallus
Flip the bishop
Flipping your omelet
Flog the bishop
Flog the dolphin
Flog the dong
Flog the log
Flog the mule
Flogging the egg man
Fly fishing
Fondle your flagpole
Free Willy
Frost the pastries
Frosting your maple bar
Frying up the corndog
G
Gallop the old lizard
Gardening with the golden trowel
Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
Get a date with Slick Mittens
Get the German soldier marching
Get to know yourself
Get your pole varnished
Give it a tug
Give your low five
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go blind
Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Go the blow
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Goose the gherkin
Grease the pipe
Greasing the three-legged cow
H
Hand job
Hard labor
Have one off the wrist
Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
Hitchhike to heaven
Hitchhike underneath the big top
Hitting too close to home
Hoisting your own petard
Hold the bishop
Hold the sausage hostage
Holding your own
Hone the cone
Honk your horn
Hosing down the driveway
Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
Hug the hog
Hump your hose
I
Investing in pork bellies
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
J
Jack hammer
Jazz yourself
Jerk Jamby
Jerk the gherkin
L
Left to your own devices
Letting the cat out of the bag
Liquidating the inventory
Locking the bathroom door
Look for ticks
Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne
Lope the mule
Love the Muppet
Love's labors lost
Lubricating the love monkey
M
Make a foreskin cone
Make instant pudding
Make the bald man puke
Making a cash withdrawal
Making chowder with sailor Ned
Making it up as you go along
Making magic with leftovers
Making soup
Making the bald man cry
Making the bread rise
Making the world safe for democracy
Mangle the midget
Manipulate the mango
Manual labor
Manual override
Master Bacon
Meet Rosie Hancock
Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
Milk the lizard
Milk the moose
Milk the self
Mount a corporal and four
Much goo about nothing
N
Nerk your throbber
Null the void
O
Oil the glove
Onan's olympics
One gun salute
One man band
One-night-stand with yourself
Opening the flood gates
P
Pack your palm
Paddle the pickle
Paint the ceiling
Paint the pickle
Painting the flag pole
Painting the picket fence
Palm the calm
Paying at the turnpike
Peel the banana
Perform diagnostics on your man tool
Pet the lizard
Pip the pumpkin
Play a little five-on-one
Play a one-stringed guitar
Play in a one-man show
Play peek-a-boo
Play pocket pinball
Play pocket pool
Play tag with the pink torpedo
Play the skin flute
Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
Play Uno
Playing it safe
Playing the one-stringed melody
Playing the single-string air guitar
Plugging in the toaster
Plunk your twanger
Polish Percy in your palm
Polish the family jewels
Polish the helmet
Polish the rocket
Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
Polish the sword
Pound off
Pound the bald-headed moose
Pound the pud
Pound your flounder
Pounding the fence post
Prepare the carrot
Prime the pump
Pull rank
Pull the bologna pony
Pull the carrot
Pull the goalie
Pull the pole
Pull the Pope
Pull the pud
Pull your own leg
Pull your taffy
Pulling your own weight
Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap
Pump the python
Pump the stump
Punch the clown
Punch the munchkin
Putting your best foot forward
Putting your foot down
Putting your thumb in the porridge
R
Raining on your parade
Ram the ham
Relishing your hot dog
Riding the five-legged pony
Roll your own
Rolling it off the lot
Romeo and himself
Rope the pony
Rope the Pope
Rub one out
Rub the pink eraser
Rubbing Buddha's tummy
Run off a batch by hand
S
Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
Safest sex
Sailing the mayonnaise seas
Saluting the general
Sampling the secret sauce
Sand wood
Scour the tower of power
Scraping the bottom of the barrel
Scratch the itch
Screwing your courage to the sticking place
Secret handshake
Self abuse
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Sex with someone you really love
Shake hands with Abe Lincoln
Shake hands with the midget
Shake hands with the unemployed
Shake hands with your John Thomas
Shake hands with your wife's best friend
Shake hands with Yul Brynner
Shake the sauce
Shake the sausage
Shake the snake
Shaking hands with Dr. Winky Shellac the shillelagh
Shemp the hog
Shift gears
Shine the helmet
Shine your pole
Shoot for the moon
Shoot putty at the moon
Shoot the airplane
Shooting yourself in the foot
Shuck your corn
Sizing things up
Slam the ham
Slam the salami
Slam the salmon
Slam the Spam
Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
Slap it
Slap pappy
Slap the carrot
Slap the clown
Slap the donkey
Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol
Slap the salami
Slapping Johny on the back
Sling the jelly
Smack the salami
Smiting the pink knight
Snap the monkey
Snap the rubber
Snap the whip
Solo flight
Solo marathon
Solo sex
Spank Elvis
Spank the bishop
Spank the frank
Spank the monkey
Spank the salami
Spank the wank
Spanking the rooster
Spending your Christmas bonus
Squeeze the cheese
Squeeze the juice
Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
Squeeze your cheese-dog
Squeezing the happy lumberjack
Stewing in your own juices
Stinky pinky
Stir the batter
Stir the yogurt
Strain the main vein
Straining your cabbage
Stretching the truth
Strip-mining with the spaghetti man
Stroke the carrot
Stroke the mole
Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
Stroke the satin-headed serpent
Stroke your poker
Stroke your Twinkie
Strumming the one-string harp
T
Take matters into your own hands
Take part in population control
Take the fifth
Take the monster for a one-armed ride
Taking a few practice shots
Taking a load off
Talk quietly to yourself
Tame the shrew
Taunt the one-eyed weasel
Teaching the Cyclops the lambada
Tease the weenie
Tenderize the tube steak
Tending to your own affairs
Test your batteries
That crazy hand jive
Thrash your thing
Thump the pump
Thump your thong
Tickle the ivory
Tickle the pickle
Tickle the taco
Ticklewigglejigglepickle
Tipping off the inspector
Toss the snag
Toss the turkey
Toss yogurt
Tug the slug
Twang the wire
Tweak your Twinkie
Twist your crank
U
Unleashing the alabaster yak
Unloading the gun
Unpacking the moving van
V
Varnish the flagpole
Varnishing the banister
Visiting with Papa Smurf
W
Wake the dead
Walk the dog
Walk the plank
Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes
Wallowing in self pity
Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel
Wash the meat
Wax the Buick
Wax the carrot
Wax the dolphin
Waxin' n' Milkin'
Whack it
Whack the weasel
Whack Willy
Whip the dummy
Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
Whip the one-eyed worm
Whip the rat
Whip the stiff
Whip the wire
Whip up some sour cream
Whip your dripper
Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
Whittle the stick
Wiggling your walrus
Windsurf on Mount Baldy
Wonk your conker
Work things out
Working at your own speed
Working late at the office
Working up a foamy lather
Working without Annette
Wrestle the dragon
Wrestle the eel
Wrestling with the bald champ
Wring out your rope
Wrist aerobics
Y
Yank the crank
Yank the yo-yo
Yank your plank
11 January 2011 - 03:02 PM
Byteslurve A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wears. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live".
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live".
11 January 2011 - 03:02 PM
Byteslurve Little Johny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"
11 January 2011 - 03:02 PM
Byteslurve Little Johny walked into his classroom one sunny morning, wearing only one glove. The teacher, a little confused, asked him what it was all about. Little Johny explained, "Well ma'am, I was watching the weather programme on the T.V. this morning and the Weatherman said that it was going to be sunny today, but on the other hand it could get quite cold."
11 January 2011 - 03:02 PM
Byteslurve Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johny asks, "Do you know what I think? "
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred knocked on my door and asked for Vaseline. I think I gave him my airoplane glue."
She replies, "No".
Johny asks, "Do you know what I think? "
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred knocked on my door and asked for Vaseline. I think I gave him my airoplane glue."
11 January 2011 - 03:02 PM
Byteslurve A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The Salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
The Salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
11 January 2011 - 03:03 PM
Byteslurve A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?"
Johny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
Johny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
11 January 2011 - 03:03 PM
Byteslurve Late one night, little Johny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
" I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Why, what are you doing? fishing them?"
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
" I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Why, what are you doing? fishing them?"
11 January 2011 - 03:03 PM
Byteslurve Little Johny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and..."
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband.
"Go ahead, Johny, tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband.
"Go ahead, Johny, tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."
11 January 2011 - 03:03 PM
Byteslurve Little Johny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johny about this."
Johny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johny, please take off my panties."
When Johny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
Johny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johny, please take off my panties."
When Johny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
11 January 2011 - 03:04 PM
Byteslurve George Bush is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY."
"No," Bush says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY."
"I'm afraid not," explains Bush. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room falls silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Bush.
"Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"
Finally, little Johny raises his hand. In a loud voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying George Bush were blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY."
"Wonderful!" Bush beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY."
"No," Bush says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a TRAGEDY."
"I'm afraid not," explains Bush. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room falls silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Bush.
"Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"
Finally, little Johny raises his hand. In a loud voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying George Bush were blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY."
"Wonderful!" Bush beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"
11 January 2011 - 03:04 PM
Byteslurve Little Johny was in class and the teacher was giving a vocabulary lesson. The word of the day was "indefinitely." She asked if any of the children could use it in a sentence. Johny's hand shot straight up, but she chose another student,
"Indefinitely. The clouds stretched indefinitely across the sky."
"Very good, Veronica," applauded the teacher. "How about another, Timmy?"
"I waited on line for the bus indefinitely"
"Another excellent example. Thank you," replied the teacher.
Johny was really going crazy and finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed so much to want to contribute.
"By the way my balls banged against her buttocks I knew I was in definitely."
"Indefinitely. The clouds stretched indefinitely across the sky."
"Very good, Veronica," applauded the teacher. "How about another, Timmy?"
"I waited on line for the bus indefinitely"
"Another excellent example. Thank you," replied the teacher.
Johny was really going crazy and finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed so much to want to contribute.
"By the way my balls banged against her buttocks I knew I was in definitely."
11 January 2011 - 03:04 PM
Byteslurve Little Johny's mother was tucking him into bed one summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "He's a big sissy!"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "He's a big sissy!"
11 January 2011 - 03:05 PM
Byteslurve A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught Little Johny having a wank behind some bins.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop asked.
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a wank," Little Johny replied.
"You'd best be careful, boy," the cop warned. "When we catch a young fellow doing that, we cut off his pecker and make a police baton out of it."
"I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing her thing," said Little Johny.
"And what's that?" asked the cop.
"You cut out her pussy, then dress it in a blue uniform, and call it a cop!"
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop asked.
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a wank," Little Johny replied.
"You'd best be careful, boy," the cop warned. "When we catch a young fellow doing that, we cut off his pecker and make a police baton out of it."
"I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing her thing," said Little Johny.
"And what's that?" asked the cop.
"You cut out her pussy, then dress it in a blue uniform, and call it a cop!"
11 January 2011 - 03:05 PM
Byteslurve A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get themrounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get themrounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
11 January 2011 - 03:05 PM
Byteslurve My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed a couple in the bleachers.
They were being VERY affectionate.
She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her too.
I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."
They were being VERY affectionate.
She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her too.
I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."
11 January 2011 - 03:05 PM
Byteslurve A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
11 January 2011 - 03:05 PM
Byteslurve An old man and his wife snuggle up in bed and start to drift off. Out of the blue, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What in god's name was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What in god's name was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
11 January 2011 - 03:05 PM
Byteslurve A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless.
At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!"
He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you Mr Devil," says the golfer. "My name's... Father O'Malley!"
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless.
At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!"
He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you Mr Devil," says the golfer. "My name's... Father O'Malley!"
11 January 2011 - 03:06 PM
Byteslurve A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate.
The man asks, "What's this?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate.
The man asks, "What's this?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
11 January 2011 - 03:06 PM
Byteslurve Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some b------d puts a swimming cap on me"
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some b------d puts a swimming cap on me"
11 January 2011 - 03:07 PM
Byteslurve A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There?s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill drops out of it. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma?am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I?d better go back and see if I can still find some."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the football stadium. Each time there?s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck! By the way, what?s in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
"Ma?am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I?d better go back and see if I can still find some."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the football stadium. Each time there?s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck! By the way, what?s in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
11 January 2011 - 03:07 PM
Byteslurve Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the ?1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for ?1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? "Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win ?1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won ?1 million!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham,"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? "Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win ?1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won ?1 million!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham,"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
11 January 2011 - 03:08 PM
Byteslurve The Rules Of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club lenght to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to the formed bunkers.
8. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.
9. Players should assure their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing when they consider it to be a private course.
10. Players are coutioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back side.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner' request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer continuing to play several different courses.
17. Once membership is established and accepted, playing other courses is strictly FORBIDDEN. Any member caught playing another course is subject to forfeiture of all equipment.
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club lenght to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to the formed bunkers.
8. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.
9. Players should assure their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing when they consider it to be a private course.
10. Players are coutioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back side.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner' request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer continuing to play several different courses.
17. Once membership is established and accepted, playing other courses is strictly FORBIDDEN. Any member caught playing another course is subject to forfeiture of all equipment.
11 January 2011 - 03:08 PM
Byteslurve An office manager had too much to drink at a party and embarassed himself in front of his boss. His wife recalled the events the following morning.
" You're behavious was atrocious. At one point you went straight up to your boss and started poking him in the stomach whilst hurling abuse at him," she said.
"Are you serious," he replied.
"Yes. Your colleagues were shocked", she said.
"Well," said the husband, "it serves him right, he's an a------e. Piss on him!"
"You did," said the wife, "and he sacked you."
"Really. Well fish him."
"I did," said the wife calmly. "You're back at work on Monday."
" You're behavious was atrocious. At one point you went straight up to your boss and started poking him in the stomach whilst hurling abuse at him," she said.
"Are you serious," he replied.
"Yes. Your colleagues were shocked", she said.
"Well," said the husband, "it serves him right, he's an a------e. Piss on him!"
"You did," said the wife, "and he sacked you."
"Really. Well fish him."
"I did," said the wife calmly. "You're back at work on Monday."
11 January 2011 - 03:08 PM
Byteslurve Towards the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked the confident young applicant:
"So, what kind of salary are you looking for?"
"Something in the range of ?80,000, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of eight weeks holiday plus 18 paid holidays, full medical and dental insurance and a new company car every 18 months?" proposed the interviewer.
"Wow. Are you serious?"
"No, but you started it!"
"So, what kind of salary are you looking for?"
"Something in the range of ?80,000, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, what would you say to a package of eight weeks holiday plus 18 paid holidays, full medical and dental insurance and a new company car every 18 months?" proposed the interviewer.
"Wow. Are you serious?"
"No, but you started it!"
11 January 2011 - 03:08 PM
Byteslurve Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss decided to call his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama?s boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise?s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What?s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave?s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise?s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let?s fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let?s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I?ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can?t catch the Pope?s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I?ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss? side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fish is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decided to call his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama?s boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise?s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What?s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave?s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise?s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let?s fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let?s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I?ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can?t catch the Pope?s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I?ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss? side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fish is that on the balcony with Dave?"
11 January 2011 - 03:08 PM
Byteslurve A chinese guy calls his boss one morning and tells him hes not feeling well, and won?t be coming to work that day. The boss tells him that when he feels sick, he should have sex with his wife.
Later that day, the chinese man walks into work.
"Your looking better" says the boss.
"Yes, I did wat you say you did when you felt sick" said the chinese man. "Oh, and by the way, nice house!"
Later that day, the chinese man walks into work.
"Your looking better" says the boss.
"Yes, I did wat you say you did when you felt sick" said the chinese man. "Oh, and by the way, nice house!"
11 January 2011 - 03:08 PM
Byteslurve An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Richard , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Richard, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
"Yes," said Richard , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Richard, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
11 January 2011 - 03:09 PM
Byteslurve Melvin was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a rather large sum of money and parted with the company.
One day, Melvin decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Melvin asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Melvin got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied:
"Well, you have no ears."
Melvin again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Melvin was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered:
"Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Melvin was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fishing ears!"
One day, Melvin decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Melvin asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Melvin got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied:
"Well, you have no ears."
Melvin again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.
Melvin was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered:
"Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Melvin was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fishing ears!"
11 January 2011 - 03:09 PM
Byteslurve By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
11 January 2011 - 03:09 PM
Byteslurve Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls... I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls... I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
11 January 2011 - 03:09 PM
Byteslurve 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male.
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. "
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit cards number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male.
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. "
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit cards number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
11 January 2011 - 03:09 PM
Byteslurve A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
11 January 2011 - 03:10 PM
Byteslurve A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!
11 January 2011 - 03:10 PM
Byteslurve It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up.
"Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.
"Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up.
"Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.
"Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
11 January 2011 - 03:11 PM
Byteslurve Two Irish Catholics were building a wall across the road from a notorious brothel when they saw the local Rabbi leaving.
"What's the world coming to," they said, "when a religious man goes into a house of ill-repute?"
Half an hour later, they see a Protestant minister, slying his way out of the back of the brothel.
"Mick, there you go again. It's no wonder the world's deteriorating."
Half an hour later, they spot a priest sneaking into the brothel. "One of the poor girls must be sick," they said.
"What's the world coming to," they said, "when a religious man goes into a house of ill-repute?"
Half an hour later, they see a Protestant minister, slying his way out of the back of the brothel.
"Mick, there you go again. It's no wonder the world's deteriorating."
Half an hour later, they spot a priest sneaking into the brothel. "One of the poor girls must be sick," they said.
11 January 2011 - 03:11 PM
Byteslurve Three nuns found themselves stranded in the middle of an endless desert. All three were dying of starvation and thirst.
After a couple of days of walking they came to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Too their dismay there was no food or running water in the castle, all that was there was a bag of flour. The head nun said "I know what we will have to do, because we have no running water we will have to try and pee on the flour so we can make some bread and survive".
She asked one of the nuns to try first. She squatted over the flour and tried to pee, but after half an our she gave up.The head nun screamed,
" What a waste of space you are, we could die here because of you!!", so she called upon the other nun to try. The nun squatted over the flour and tried her hardest but after forty five minutes she gave up without any success.The head nun screamed once again,
"Both of you are useless, I will have to try myself!"
So she squatted over the flour and tried her very hardest to push out a pee. The strain proved to much as she let out a rip-roaring fart that echoed throughout the castle and and blew all of the flour away, and all the nuns pissed themselves laughing.
After a couple of days of walking they came to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Too their dismay there was no food or running water in the castle, all that was there was a bag of flour. The head nun said "I know what we will have to do, because we have no running water we will have to try and pee on the flour so we can make some bread and survive".
She asked one of the nuns to try first. She squatted over the flour and tried to pee, but after half an our she gave up.The head nun screamed,
" What a waste of space you are, we could die here because of you!!", so she called upon the other nun to try. The nun squatted over the flour and tried her hardest but after forty five minutes she gave up without any success.The head nun screamed once again,
"Both of you are useless, I will have to try myself!"
So she squatted over the flour and tried her very hardest to push out a pee. The strain proved to much as she let out a rip-roaring fart that echoed throughout the castle and and blew all of the flour away, and all the nuns pissed themselves laughing.
11 January 2011 - 03:11 PM
Byteslurve It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?"
God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?"
God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"
11 January 2011 - 03:12 PM
Byteslurve "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O?Sullivan ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure as heck I can?t be tellin? you, Father. I don?t want to be ruining her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I?m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O?Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I?ll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I?m sorry, but I?ll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You?re a steadfast lad, Tommy O?Sullivan, and I admire that. But you?ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers "what?d you get?"
"Three month?s vacation and five good leads."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O?Sullivan ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure as heck I can?t be tellin? you, Father. I don?t want to be ruining her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I?m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O?Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I?ll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I?m sorry, but I?ll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You?re a steadfast lad, Tommy O?Sullivan, and I admire that. But you?ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers "what?d you get?"
"Three month?s vacation and five good leads."
11 January 2011 - 03:12 PM
Byteslurve An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, "You can stay here but we have one important rule that must be obeyed: all students observe Mauna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years."
After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again.
He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice:
"I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."
After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again.
He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice:
"I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."
11 January 2011 - 03:12 PM
Byteslurve In a village in Africa, there lived a white priest. He tought the villagers that fornication and adultery were highly immoral and that you could go to hell for it.
One day an african woman gave birth to a white baby. The villagers stunned turned to the chief for answers.
The chief went to the priest and asked him to explain himself. The priest looked out into the pastor of sheep and said, "Its an act of God." "You see those sheep out there?" "Do you see how one is black and the others are white?" "Its just an act of God providing variety."
The chief looked at the priest and then down at his feet and mumbled "I won't queston you about the white baby anymore, if you don't say anything about that black sheep."
One day an african woman gave birth to a white baby. The villagers stunned turned to the chief for answers.
The chief went to the priest and asked him to explain himself. The priest looked out into the pastor of sheep and said, "Its an act of God." "You see those sheep out there?" "Do you see how one is black and the others are white?" "Its just an act of God providing variety."
The chief looked at the priest and then down at his feet and mumbled "I won't queston you about the white baby anymore, if you don't say anything about that black sheep."
11 January 2011 - 03:12 PM
Byteslurve There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
11 January 2011 - 03:13 PM
Byteslurve There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water to redeem themselves.
So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong.
The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong.
"I took a lollipop from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water.
Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said " I took a balloon from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water.
Then came the third. "What did you do wrong?" asked the high priest. " Well", she said," I peed in the holy water."
So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong.
The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong.
"I took a lollipop from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water.
Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said " I took a balloon from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water.
Then came the third. "What did you do wrong?" asked the high priest. " Well", she said," I peed in the holy water."
11 January 2011 - 03:13 PM
Byteslurve When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a man's member?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun speaks up "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it."
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a man's member?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun speaks up "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it."
11 January 2011 - 03:13 PM
Byteslurve There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her ?20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady ?1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
The Priest calls the girl and gives her ?20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady ?1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
11 January 2011 - 03:14 PM
Byteslurve An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL", said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL", said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
11 January 2011 - 03:15 PM
Byteslurve A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken".
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken".
11 January 2011 - 03:15 PM
Byteslurve A blonde went for a job interview.
"How old are you?" asked the interviewer.
The blonde started to count her fingers, paused and proudly responded: "24."
"And how tall are you?"
The blonde, well prepared, pulled out a tape measure and measured herself head to toe. "five foot three."
The interviewer could sense that the candidate was out of her depth and sensitively decided to ask her a more simple question. "And , what is your name?"
The blonde exclaimed: "I know, I know" and started to hum a tune quietly. "Barbara."
"What were you humming to yourself Barbara?"
"Oh, you know, that song...Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."
"How old are you?" asked the interviewer.
The blonde started to count her fingers, paused and proudly responded: "24."
"And how tall are you?"
The blonde, well prepared, pulled out a tape measure and measured herself head to toe. "five foot three."
The interviewer could sense that the candidate was out of her depth and sensitively decided to ask her a more simple question. "And , what is your name?"
The blonde exclaimed: "I know, I know" and started to hum a tune quietly. "Barbara."
"What were you humming to yourself Barbara?"
"Oh, you know, that song...Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."
11 January 2011 - 03:15 PM
Byteslurve After a hard day at work a blonde walked into her local bar and ordered a drink.
Whilst quietly relaxing she overheard two men telling each other dumb blonde jokes. Infuriated she left the bar early and started to drive home. On the way home she spotted a blonde in a boat trying to row through a cornfield. Still irrate, she slammed on the brakes, wound down the window and screamed across to the blonde:
"It's blondes like you that give other blondes a bad reputation. If i knew how to swim i would come out there and kick your ass."
Whilst quietly relaxing she overheard two men telling each other dumb blonde jokes. Infuriated she left the bar early and started to drive home. On the way home she spotted a blonde in a boat trying to row through a cornfield. Still irrate, she slammed on the brakes, wound down the window and screamed across to the blonde:
"It's blondes like you that give other blondes a bad reputation. If i knew how to swim i would come out there and kick your ass."
11 January 2011 - 03:16 PM
Byteslurve A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Oh my god, you gives us blondes such a bad name! You need to roll up the windows first."
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Oh my god, you gives us blondes such a bad name! You need to roll up the windows first."
11 January 2011 - 03:16 PM
Byteslurve A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says,"What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says,"What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
11 January 2011 - 03:16 PM
Byteslurve An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in New York, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing his briefing for the crew, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
The next morning as the pilot was preparing his briefing for the crew, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!
11 January 2011 - 03:17 PM
Byteslurve In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth - if you lie, you disappear.
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first,
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try,
"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The blonde goes up,
"I think..."
"POOF!
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first,
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try,
"I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The blonde goes up,
"I think..."
"POOF!
11 January 2011 - 03:17 PM
Byteslurve A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and snarled, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So it was you who took our phone book."
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So it was you who took our phone book."
11 January 2011 - 03:17 PM
Byteslurve Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
11 January 2011 - 03:17 PM
Byteslurve Your eyes are like spanners - every time you look at me my nuts tighten.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I'm going to fish you so hard, you little minx! Sorry I have Tourette's, hold me.
If I'm a pain in your arse, we can just add more lube.
Pick a number between one and ten. Wrong! You Lose. Take all your clothes off.
Fancy making a porno? We don't have to video it.
I know Jedi mind tricks. Go home with me tonight you will.
Do you work for Royal Mail? No? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
I'm a doctor and i'm here to offer a free mammogram
Is that a tic-tac in your undies or are you just pleased to see me?
So, which one of Girls aloud are you?
Boy: Have I shown you my magic watch? It tells me that you're not wearing any underwear ...
Girl: Nice try, I am wearing underwear.
Boy: s--t ... It must be an hour fast!
You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I drive as smart car
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? No? (Pull out yor pockets inside out) Would you like to?
Boy: Excuse me, want to ?
Girl: No.
Boy: Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!
I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot
I'm a mathematician baby! Do you fancy going to my room, add the bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply?
Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
Guy: Can i smell your fanny?
Girl: (throws drink over him)
Guy: Oh well it must be your feet then...
Excuse me, you've got something on your top. My eyes!
Guy: Goes up to an ugly girl with a gorgeous mate and ask her ' do you want to ?'.
Girl: Chuffed and over-enthusiastically she shouts ' yes! '
Guy: Quickly interjects ' Good, piss off and ...I want to be alone with your friend. '
Have you ever been kissed on the navel? How about from the inside?
Reckon I could snatch a kiss tonight? Or even better, vice-versa?
Fancy going two's on a baby?
Guy: " I used to play this game in the army, it was called 'WAR', do you want to play?"
Girl: " How do you play it? "
Guy: Grabs and jiggles girl's breasts and shouts ' WWHAAAARRRRR!'
Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
Do you want to see something swell?
Pardon me, are you in heat?!
Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...
Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
Let's take a shower together -- you smell.
As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!
Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer] Can I?
All those curves, and me with no brakes!
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
My, oh my, what have you been eating?
11 January 2011 - 03:18 PM
Byteslurve Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy:
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail
he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a
"worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day
at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought
I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the
sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the
damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into
my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it.However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor
of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to
the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing
hysterically.Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my
brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail
he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a
"worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day
at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought
I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the
sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the
damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into
my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it.However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor
of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to
the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing
hysterically.Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was
instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35
minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my
brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
11 January 2011 - 03:18 PM
Byteslurve Unusual Funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
11 January 2011 - 03:19 PM
Byteslurve When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
11 January 2011 - 03:19 PM
Byteslurve An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
11 January 2011 - 03:19 PM
Byteslurve A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it?s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him?they kiss?then they rip each other?s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ?Well, how?d I do?? The woman says, ?You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.?
11 January 2011 - 03:19 PM
Byteslurve A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
11 January 2011 - 03:19 PM
Byteslurve After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
11 January 2011 - 03:20 PM
Byteslurve A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
11 January 2011 - 03:20 PM
Byteslurve A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.? "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of gorfing c--k, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
11 January 2011 - 03:21 PM
Byteslurve 8 things you'll never hear a woman say...
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
11 January 2011 - 03:22 PM
Byteslurve A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
11 January 2011 - 03:22 PM
Byteslurve Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over
30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
Andy Rooney
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over
30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
Andy Rooney
11 January 2011 - 03:22 PM
Byteslurve For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage...
Pig, just to get a little sausage...
11 January 2011 - 03:23 PM
Byteslurve Pregnancy, Estrogen, and a Woman
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY a WOMAN UNDERSTANDS
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:
1. OTHER WOMEN
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY a WOMAN UNDERSTANDS
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:
1. OTHER WOMEN
11 January 2011 - 03:23 PM
Byteslurve UCLA Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
11 January 2011 - 03:23 PM
Byteslurve St. Mon's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
11 January 2011 - 03:23 PM
Byteslurve There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
11 January 2011 - 03:24 PM
Byteslurve A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your c--t?" "fish off, no you can't smell my c--t!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
11 January 2011 - 03:32 PM
Byteslurve A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
11 January 2011 - 03:32 PM
Byteslurve One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b------d!!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b------d!!"
11 January 2011 - 03:33 PM
Byteslurve What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling. dirty joke material >>>
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling. dirty joke material >>>
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
11 January 2011 - 03:41 PM
Byteslurve In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.
In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.
They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.
So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.
In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.
They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.
So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ASS!
11 January 2011 - 03:47 PM
Byteslurve 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!.com has become cold and distant.
3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout.com
2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubbyWhitehouse.gov"
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
9) Your cyber-lover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
6) You can barely make out your S. L.'s face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!.com has become cold and distant.
3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout.com
2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubbyWhitehouse.gov"
1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.
11 January 2011 - 03:48 PM
Byteslurve A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.
'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.
'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.
'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'
'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'
'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.
'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.
'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'
'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'
11 January 2011 - 03:48 PM
Byteslurve A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
11 January 2011 - 03:48 PM
Byteslurve Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display.
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock boy" display.
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
11 January 2011 - 03:49 PM
Byteslurve A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc?e is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
11 January 2011 - 03:50 PM
Byteslurve A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
11 January 2011 - 03:50 PM
Byteslurve BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
11 January 2011 - 03:50 PM
Byteslurve A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"
Edited by Byteslurve, 11 January 2011 - 03:52 PM.
11 January 2011 - 03:51 PM
Byteslurve A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. ?Damn,? he says. ?I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she?s gonna kill me.?
?Not to worry,? says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk?s pocket. ?Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.?
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. ?Why are there two twenties?? she asks.
The drunk replies, ?Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.?
?Not to worry,? says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk?s pocket. ?Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.?
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. ?Why are there two twenties?? she asks.
The drunk replies, ?Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.?
11 January 2011 - 03:51 PM
Byteslurve After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
11 January 2011 - 03:51 PM
Byteslurve A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
11 January 2011 - 03:51 PM
Byteslurve A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
11 January 2011 - 03:52 PM
Byteslurve Beers For Geeks
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin.
Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.
Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...
AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin.
Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.
Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...
AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
11 January 2011 - 03:52 PM
Byteslurve This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"
The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"
The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.
So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.
So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."
The guy asks" Eileen who?
The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"
The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.
So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.
So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.
And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."
The guy asks" Eileen who?
11 January 2011 - 03:53 PM
Byteslurve A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
11 January 2011 - 03:53 PM
Byteslurve A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
11 January 2011 - 03:53 PM
Byteslurve Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
11 January 2011 - 03:54 PM
Byteslurve A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
11 January 2011 - 03:54 PM
Byteslurve One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."
11 January 2011 - 03:54 PM
Byteslurve Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson
11 January 2011 - 03:55 PM
Byteslurve Murphy's Law in Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
11 January 2011 - 03:56 PM
Byteslurve Li Bai's Poem
The Chinese version
Chuan chien ming ye kuan
ti sia yi sang xuan
chi toa wang ming ye
ti toa sze ku xian
The full-blown version (in refined English)
The moon light is pouring down on my bedside
like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
and lower my head thinking of my dear hometown
--Li Bai
And here's the Singlish version #1
Bedfront Moon Bright Bright
Think is Floor White White
Lift Head see Moon Moon
Bow Head Miss Home Home....
-- Li Ah Beng
Singlish version #2
Bedfront see moon moon
think is one snow snow
lift head see moon-moon
head down think home-home
Li Bai (II)
Bedfront Orrr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think Think Go Pang Sai (go s--t)
Look up in the sky
Poem is a waste of time
Latest Reservist Army version
Bedfront Lauuuuu Bark Sai (Tears drop)
Think Think have to go Excercise (Reservist mobilization)
Drop dead look into the sky (Run until no breathe)
Tong Call Sia Lang Chai (My heartache nobody knows)
The Chinese version
Chuan chien ming ye kuan
ti sia yi sang xuan
chi toa wang ming ye
ti toa sze ku xian
The full-blown version (in refined English)
The moon light is pouring down on my bedside
like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
and lower my head thinking of my dear hometown
--Li Bai
And here's the Singlish version #1
Bedfront Moon Bright Bright
Think is Floor White White
Lift Head see Moon Moon
Bow Head Miss Home Home....
-- Li Ah Beng
Singlish version #2
Bedfront see moon moon
think is one snow snow
lift head see moon-moon
head down think home-home
Li Bai (II)
Bedfront Orrr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think Think Go Pang Sai (go s--t)
Look up in the sky
Poem is a waste of time
Latest Reservist Army version
Bedfront Lauuuuu Bark Sai (Tears drop)
Think Think have to go Excercise (Reservist mobilization)
Drop dead look into the sky (Run until no breathe)
Tong Call Sia Lang Chai (My heartache nobody knows)
11 January 2011 - 03:56 PM
Byteslurve An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
11 January 2011 - 03:56 PM
Byteslurve hile a preacher was trying to raise money for his parish, he found out there was a great deal of money to be made in the horse racing business. To his dismay, he discovered at the horse auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which he bought.
Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone's surprise finished third. The next day, the newspaper headline read:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won! The newspaper headline read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity. The headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey. The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent. The headlines read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey. When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone's surprise finished third. The next day, the newspaper headline read:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won! The newspaper headline read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity. The headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey. The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent. The headlines read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey. When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read:
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
11 January 2011 - 03:56 PM
Byteslurve This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,"
"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,"
"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
11 January 2011 - 03:57 PM
Byteslurve A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
talk "You need to use big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he replied.
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What
book did you read?"
Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the s--t."
talk "You need to use big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he replied.
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What
book did you read?"
Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the s--t."
11 January 2011 - 03:57 PM
Byteslurve Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.
The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"
"Yep," said the second.
The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no.
"Kin yew speak?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.
The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"
"Yep," said the second.
The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no.
"Kin yew speak?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.
The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
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