A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.
"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."
And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"
"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her c**t, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the f**k did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still f**king talking aren't you?"
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerf**k."
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: �That�s the ugliest baby that I�ve ever seen. Ugh!� The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: �The driver just insulted me!� The man says: �You go right up there and tell him off�go ahead, I�ll hold your monkey for you.�
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It takes a lot of afford to post these everyday and I thank you for them. I read them everyday.
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Well done.
There were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
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It takes a lot of afford to post these everyday and I thank you for them. I read them everyday.
�
Well done.
Thanks for reading my thread and I really appreciate your kind continuous support. Hope to bring smile to your face everyday~
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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this f**king sweater!"
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck!
The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local
card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.
"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?"
she asked.
"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a
new one. It's inscribed, "To the Boy Who Got My Cherry."
"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
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Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!
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Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.
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Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.
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Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.
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Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.
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Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
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Q. What does a female snail say during crude sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
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Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
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Q. What's red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.
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Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
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Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
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Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.
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Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
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Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.
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Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"
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Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.
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Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.
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Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord
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Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
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Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
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Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader f**ks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
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Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.
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Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.
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Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
�
Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.
�
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the general manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. The owner decided to have some general fun and said, "I've got good news and bad news."� "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
This practical joke is best done to people who are truly anal about their car, truck, whatever. The type that parks their car 20 hectares away from the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind. When your buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will take car of any damage." and add a fake phone number. Then as you come out with your buddy from the mall, and they read the note, let the search for the non-existent scratch begin. You can help by point out "potential" scratches, watching him or her run over to see, only to realize it's just dirt. This one can done from afar so that you can have practical fun watching the owner of the survey for damage rather than you helping out, can be even more hilarious.
Microsoft Word and most likely a bunch of other word processing programs now come with something called "AutoCorrect". When a common misspelling is made, it checks a list for it, and makes the corresponding correction. Example, it would change "adn" to "and". The magic of this is that it is user editable! Hop onto your co-workers workstation, load up their word processor's AutoCorrect list, and let your imagination run rampant. First start with the small, but most aggravating ones by reversing what is already in the list, change the corrections to the misspellings! Then move to even more humorous stuff like company acronyms, people's names, it's endless! Then watch to see how long it takes before they switch the blame from their own typing, to the word processor, and eventually to their sick minded co-worker... you!
Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are.
Park your car on a the street facing traffic, using a dark colour late model domestic sedan adds to the authenticity of this prank. Wear dark clothes and wear sunglasses and hold a hair dryer out the window and watch in delight as car come squealing to a halt as they pass you
In countries that use speed cameras, park your car on the side of the road at night, preferably somewhere you can hide well. As cars pass you, take pictures with your camera, the flash will lead the drivers to believe they have just been caught speeding. Watch the glow of red lights as they slow down after realizing they just got a ticket for speeding. Too bad you can't be there to witness the months of anxiety waiting for the non-existent traffic violation to arrive by mail to all these "speeding" drivers.
Teacher or professor giving you a hard time? Grab their blackboard chalk and drill a small hole straight down from the writing end, insert a match, and fill the hole with a blend of chalk dust and glue. Put the chalk back and watch the panic when smokes starts to spew!
Place a "Gay Pride" sticker on your homophobic buddy's car. The joke only gets more amusing the longer the person doesn't realize it is there. This works great for people that reverse into parking spots and tend not to walk around the back of their car.
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer,� and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained� weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading." Henny Youngman
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." Dave Barry
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." George Burns
"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools." Ernest Hemmingway
"If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror." John Mooney
"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver." Phil Harris
"Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink." Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". Joe Lewis
"I told the stewardess liquor for three." - "Who are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two."
James Bond
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Out with my wife." The guy says,
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder."
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! *
* from way back there i thought you said goats!
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*u forgot to copy*paste finish�
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thanks for sharing btw� ![[grin]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uEImpl-5Ilf8A0bed_xuGQ_s3jYCERCQ6HKynFf-l3xBQZ7uNJyG5uEtXZka1nqzeBORI6QSSpd9PUdSMgC_GDS-R7zgvst6YdRw15piv2tovKmaT8dxGuy2Vl5o0063q2p1A=s0-d)
Thanks bro!
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
�"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"
The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here are tall and handsome. They are rich and perfectly built"
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ��nice horse you got their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
Alligator Short Jokes
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What's the similarity between a Alligator and Windows?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!
Q: How many arms has a alligator got?
A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner!
Q: What do you get if you cross a alligator with a flower?
A: I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it!
Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
A: It's filled with liti-gators.
Q: What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
A: A Navi-gator.
Q: What do alligators call human children?
A: Appetizers.
Q: Who gives alligators presents on Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: What's worse than one alligator coming to dinner?
A: Two alligators coming to dinner
Q: Why are alligators comedians so funny?
A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Q: Why won't alligators attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!
Q: What do yuppie alligators like to drink
A: Jaw-va
Q: What was the nerd alligators favorite programming language
A: Jaw-va
Q: What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
A: An Instigator.
Q: What is an alligators favorite smell?
A: Human blood.
Q: What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat?
A: a jawbreaker.
Q: Did you hear about the crocodile who became a congressman?
A: He was an expert dele-gator.
Q: What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
A: An irri-gator.
One day, a very rich man announced in a party that if any person present in the party dares to swim across the swimming pool which has more than twenty crocodiles, he will be awarded with either half of the rich man's property or his beautiful daughter.
After a period of silence, the rich man saw a young man splashed into the pool swimming as fast as he can, with all his efforts, saving himself from the crocodiles. And at last, he survived through the pool.
Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what do you want, my property or daughter.
To this, the man replied, "Sir, neither I want your property, nor your daughter, I just want the man who threw me in the water."
At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment."
An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis.
It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent.
A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile.
The bartender goes, "You can't bring that animal in here!"
But the guy says, "Hey, he does tricks. Watch!"
He taps on the crocodile's head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile's mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile's head again, and the beast closes its mouth.
Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, "I'll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that."
Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, "I... I think I can do that. But I don't think I can leave my mouth open that long!"
A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?"
Then the student said "No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."
then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of alligators and you wanted to get across it,how would you"
The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the alligators are at the lions birthday party!"
She laughs and walks away.
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.
Q: Why did the farmer name his pig ink?
A: Because he kept running ot of his pen
Hahahahaha!!
![[thumbsup]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_vI4LlXzSmC3S_nFuiMrIH1frW_HCOr0srUHRlKwbUugtwA694UaQ41ZNJIdnIf7HoI2z0kkYh6ZTrt57KeEdkqMsuWYTWTP5pGVI818PPKIwePKazcB2oh4R17VFPHZeaRqgK9HqPM=s0-d)
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A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says. A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, "For when I have white meat - I have white wine." Eventually he works his way down to her c**t, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the f**k did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames."
�
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Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian!
Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
Because he was pissed off.
What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Elegant!
If three ants are lost in a jungle. Who do u call to find them?
The Minister of finance.(find-ants)
What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?
Discordant!
What kind of ant is good at maths?
An accountant!
Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!
What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!
What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
Your great-ant!
Who was the most famous ant scientist?
Albert Antstein!
What games to ants play with elephants?
Squash!
What do you call an ant who can't find his way back home?
Incogniz-ant
Why are ants bad at spelling?
They only know Conson-ants
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An antique!
What kind of ant can you colour with?
A crayant!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
An independant
Who is the most famous French ant?
Napoleant!
What do you call an ant with lots of bling?
Extravag-ant
Did you hear about the ant that wasn't allowed in the Catholic Church?
He was Protest-ant.
Why did the ant-elope?
Nobody gnu!
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Antelope.
What do ants eat for breakfast?
Croiss-ants
What do you call an ant that doesn't eat cake?
Queen Ant-oinette
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!
Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of antibodies!
Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate?
Decad-ant
Did you hear about the ant that was good at solving quadratic equations?
He was brill-ant.
�The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a colony of ants walked up to him carrying the Bible on their backs.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book from the ants, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the ants. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Q: Why did the ape fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Q: Why don't the apes in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.
What do you call an exploding ape?
A baboom.
Do Apes kiss?
Yes, but never on the first date!
What do they feed a gorilla when he goes to Paris?
Ape Suzettes!
How did Gertie Gorilla make the 'Playboy' Calendar?
She was 'Miss Ape-ril!'
How do you make an Ape float?
Two scoops of ice cream, some club soda and a very tasty Gorilla!
How does a Gorilla become another animal?
When a Mafia don hires a 'big Gorilla' to be his bodyguard and the big Ape goes to the cops and turns into a stool pigeon!
How do you make an Ape laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale!
What did the great Ape say as he plummeted from the skyscraper?
Listen baby, I think I'm falling for you!
What did the great Ape shout to the pilots who tried to shoot him off the skyscraper?
Listen, hotshots, don't monkey around with me!
If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom, what do you have?
A very large bedroom.
If you throw a great Ape into one of the Great Lakes, what will it become?
Wet!
Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A ape with a machine gun.
Q: Why are apes so noisy?
A: They were raised in a zoo!
How come the giant Ape climbed up the side of the skyscraper?
The elevator was broken!
Q: What do baby apes sleep in?
A: Ape-ricots!
Q: What's the first thing an ape learns in school?
A: The ape b c's!
Q: When do monkeys fall from the sky?
A: During ape-ril showers.
Q: Which sea will make you go ape?
A: The chimpan-sea!
Q: What is a ape's favorite cookie?
A: Chocolate chimp!
What does a Ape attorney study?
The Law of the jungle!
What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?
I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!
What happened when the Ape won the door prize?
He didn't take it - he already had a door!
What happens if you cross an Ape with an octopus?
You get a fur coat with lots of sleeves!
What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes?
A banana split!
When did the Apes start to picket the cookie factory?
The day they started to manufacture animal crackers!
When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree, where did the Ape hiding in the uppermost branches land?
Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!
Which author do the Gorillas love most?
Joh Steinbeck - who wrote 'The Apes of Wrath!'
Which book makes prudish Gorillas blush?
The Naked Ape!
Which city holds the record for the most suicides committed by an Ape jumping off a tall building?
Fall-adelphia!
Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
An ape-ricot sour!
Which technique does a Ape borrow from another animal when it gets romantic?
The bear hug!
Who is the Apes favourite President of recent years?
Hairy Truman!
Why couldn't the Ape pitcher make it in the major leagues?
His balk was worse than his bite!
Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two?
Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!
Why did the actor fire his Gorilla agent?
The big Ape kept wanting to take more than a 10% bite!
Why did the Gorilla fail English?
He had little Ape-titude!
Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money?
It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!
Q: Why do apes have big nostrils?
A: They have big fingers.
Q. Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head?
A. He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)!
Q: What's a monkey's favourite type of computer?
A: an Ape-le mac!
Q: What's a monkey's favourite fruit?
A: An ape-le!
Q: What do apes do when they're mad at each other?
A: They have a Gorilla war!
Q: Why did the ape go to the doctor?
A: Because his banana wasn't peeling very well!
Q: What do monkeys read?
A: The 'apers
Q: What's an apes favourite drink?
A: A sas-gorilla.
Q: What do monkeys wear when they are cooking?
A: Ape-rons!
Q: How do apes get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!
Q: What do apes do when they go mad?
A: Go bananas!
Q: Where do chimpanzees keep their babies?
A: In apricots!
Q: What do you call a ape playing quidditch?
A: A hairy potter!!
Q: What's a ape's favourite pop group?
A: Bananarama!
Q: What is a ape's favourite toy?
A: A Bab-boom-orang!
Q: What do you call six green apes?
A: A bunch of gr-apes!
Q: What sort of key does a ape need to open a banana?
A: A monk-key!
Q: What did the monkey say to the other monkey that went mad?
A: You've gone completely ape!
Q: Where do apes like to get their hair cut?
A: Vidal Baboon!
Q: Why do apes tell such bad stories?
A: Because they have no tales!
Q: What did the banana say to the ape?
A: Nothing, bananas don't talk!
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
A husband and wife are driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replies "But its all wet and it stinks!"
Husband says "Well hold its nose!".
�
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says...
"You can't drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says "OK"... and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands...
"I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies...
"I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a badger in the other.
"Now Listen here," the policeman said,
"Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy.
"I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
A man and his pet badger walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my badger."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the badger falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a badger."
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 09 October 2014 - 11:47 AM.
Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!
Q: What do you call a bears without ears?
A: B's
Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?
A: Koka-Koala!
Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear
Q: What do polar bears have for lunch?
A: Ice burger!
Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!
Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
Q: What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
A: Bipolar.
Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!
Q: Why do pandas like old movies?
A: Because they�re in black and white.
Q: How did the panda who lose his dinner?
A: He was "Bamboozled"!
Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!
Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!
Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!
Q: What did the teddy bear say after dinner?
A: I'm stuffed.
Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!
Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!
Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!
Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the PU!
Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh
Q: What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
A: Hunny!
Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!
Q: What was Yogi bear looking for in the picnic basket?
A: Just the "Bear" necessities.
Q: Why did the bear get so scared?
A: Because he looked in the mirror
Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!
I invited a teddy bear round for dinner yesterday. I offered him some food but he said no thanks I'm stuffed
Two guys are walking thru the woods when they see a charging Grizzly Bear.
First guy says "Run for it!"
Second guy says, "You can't outrun a Grizzly!"
First guy says "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU."
Q: Why did the bee get married?
A: Becase he found his honey
Q: What do you call a bears without ears?
A: B's
Q: What's a bees favorite novel?
A: The Great Gats-bee!
Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell?
A: A hum dinger!
Q: Who is the bees favorite singer?
A: Sting!
Q: Who is the bees favorite pop group?
A: The bee gees!
Q: What is a bee's favorite part of a relationship?
A: The Honeymoon period.
Q: What did the sushi say to the bee?
A: Wassabee!
Q: What do you call a bee that can't stop eating?
A: Chub-bee.
Q: What kind of bee is a sore loser?
A: a cryba-bee
Q: Who protects the Queen Bee?
A: Her Hub-bee.
Q: How many bees do you need in a bee choir?
A: A humdred!
Q. What's the last thing to go through a bees mind when it hits your windshield?
A. Its bum.
Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe!
Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A: USB
Q: Where do bees keep their money?
A: In a honey box!
Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?
A: a Greyhound Buzz.
Q: What TV station do bees watch?
A: Bee bee c one!
Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee?
A: Neigh buzz
Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?
A: Bee-hive yourself!
Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk?
A: An animal that stinks and stings!
Q: What does a queen bee do when she burps?
A: Issues a royal pardon!
Q: How does a queen bee get around her hive?
A: She's throne!
Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say?
A: Ho hum hum!
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they've forgotten the words!
Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things?
A: A fumble bee!
Q: What did the bee say to the flower?
A: Hello honey!
Q: What's a bees favorite flower?
A: A bee-gonias!
Q: What did the confused bee say?
A: To bee or not to bee!
Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A: A Frisbee.
Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
A: Wait at a buzz stop!
Q: What do you call a bee you can't share secrets with?
A: a blab-bee.
Q: What's a bee-line?
A: The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!
Q: What is a baby bee?
A: A little humbug!
Q: What does a bee get at McDonalds?
A: A humburger!
Q: What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
A: A bee in a submarine!
Q: What's more dangerous than being with a fool?
A: Fooling with a bee!
Q: What did the spider say to the bee?
A: Your honey or your life!
Q: Who is a bee's favorite painter?
A: Pablo Beecasso!
Q: What did the bee to the other bee in summer?
A: Swarm here isn't it!
Q: What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
A: Bee-thoven!
Q: Who writes books for little bees?
A: Bee-trix Potter!
Q: Where do bees go on holiday?
A: Stingapore!
Q: What do you call bees buzzing in unison?
A: Stingalongs.
Q: what does a bee style his hair with?
A: a honeycomb
Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?
A: He's bee-witched!
Q: Why do bees buzz?
A: Because they can't whistle!
Q: Can bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their little yellow jackets!
Q: Why did the bee started talking poetry?
A: He was waxing lyrical!
Q: What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
A: Hunny!
Q: What goes zzub, zzub?
A: A bee flying backwards!
Q: What are the cleverest bees?
A: Spelling bees!
Q: What bee is good for your health?
A: Vitamin bee!
Q: What do you call a wasp?
A: A wanna-bee!
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey!
Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
A: Tweetie Pie!
Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
A: Jail-birds!
Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl.
Boy: Who?
Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?
A: Plant bird seed!
Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A: Don�t ask her out again.
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bird and a lawn mower?
A: Shredded tweet.
Why does the bird bring toilet paper to the party?
Because he is a party pooper.
Q: What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
A: Cherpies
Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
A: Because they're both full of stuffing!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
A: Fowl play!
What do birds like about outside?
Debris.
Q: What do you call a sick eagle?
A: Illegal
Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?
A: They quack up!
�
Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er!
Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!
Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A: A firequaker!
Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!
Q: What books did the owl like?
A: Hoot-dunits!
Q: What kind of bird doesn't need a comb?
A: A bald eagle.
Q: What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
A: The crane
Q: What bird is helpful at dinner?
A: A swallow!
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: 'The pheasants are revolting'!
Q: What is the definition of Robin?
A: A bird who steals!
Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!
Q: What's another name for a clever duck?
A: A wise quacker!
Q: Which bird is always out of breath?
A: A puffin!
Q: What's got six legs and can fly long distances?
A: Three swallows!
Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?
A: The feather forecast!
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A: A bird that will talk you ear off!
Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers!
Q: How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
A: Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!
Q: Which birds steal soap from the bath?
A: Robber ducks!
Q: What kind of bird opens doors?
A: A kiwi!
Q: What do you get when you cross an owl and an oyster?
A: Pearls of Wisdom
Q: What language do birds speak?
A: Pigeon English!
Q: What do you call a duck on drugs?
A: a quackhead
Q: How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
A: Send him to polytechnic!
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they forgot the words!
Q: how do you know owls are smarter then chickens?
A: have you ever herd of Kentuky fried owl?
Q: Where do birds invest their money?
A: In the stork market!
Q: Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
A: The Birds Eye counter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A: A bird that talks in morse code!
Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining?
A: 'Too wet to woo'!
Q: What do baby swans dance to?
A: Cygnet-ure-tunes!
Q: Why do birds fly south?
A: Because it is to far to walk
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 09 October 2014 - 11:46 AM.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
�
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who. Who who? Oh, I didn't know there was an owl in here!
Edited by Byteslurve, 09 October 2014 - 11:47 AM.
Movies
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a badger sitting next to him.
"Are you a badger?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The badger replied, "Well, I liked the book."
A guy is in a bar having a quiet drink by himself when a young beautiful blonde lady walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink.
The guy turns and says to her "Have you ever had a BUDGIE sit on your right shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy says "Have you ever had a PARROT sit on your left shoulder?"
Blonde says "NO!"
Guy then says, "Aah but I bet you've had a Cock,or,too (cockatoo) in your Mouth."
Q: What did mama buffalo say when her youngest went off to college?
A: "Bison!"
Q: How can you tell if a buffalo is under your sleeping bag?
A: The ceiling of your tent is very close.
Q: What do you find between the hooves of buffaloes?
A: Slow buffalo hunters.
Q: What did the grape say when the buffalo stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Q: What do you get when you cross peanut butter with a buffalo?
A: You either get peanut butter that roams the range or a buffalo that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q: How can you tell a buffalo from a field mouse?
A: Try to pick it up. If you can't, it's either a buffalo or a very overweight mouse.
Q: What time is it when a buffalo sits in your canoe?
A: Time to get a new canoe.
Q: Why did the buffalo cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Q: What do you call an buffalo at the North Pole?
A: Lost!
Q: What's brown but turns red?
A: An embarrassed buffalo!
Q: What the difference between a Buffalo and Bison?
A: You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
Q: What do you call a single buffalo?
A: A buffalonely
Q: What is the Native Americans name for buffalo that can fly?
A: Buffalo Wild Wings
Q: What animal is always the designated driver?
A: The water buffalo.
Q: What happens when 2 single buffalo meet up, fall in love and run away to get married?
A: they buffalope
Q: How do you know when there is an buffalo under your bed?
A: When your nose touches the ceiling!
Q: What do you call an buffalo with a carrot in each ear?
A: Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful buffalo?
A: Milk of Amnesia
Q: What do you call a buffalo that doesn't give milk?
A: A MILK DUD!
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: Give a buffalo a pogo stick.
�
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Q: How do bees brush their hair?
A: With a honey comb!
�
Q: "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
A: "I think it's doing the backstroke!"
�
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: On the school buzz!
�
Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring
�
Q: How do fireflies start a race?
A: Ready, Set, Glow!
�
Q: Where do most ants live?
A: In Antlantic City!
�
Q: When do spiders go on their honeymoon?
A: After their 'webbing' day!
�
Q: How do fleas travel?
A: They itch-hike!
�
Q: What do you call a bug that can't have too much sugar?
A: a diabeetle
�
Q: Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: Because it was a moth ball!
�
Q: What did one flea say to another?
A: "Should we walk or take the dog?"
�
Q: What did one girl firefly say to the other?
A: You glow girl!
�
Q: What do moths study in school?
A: Mothematics!
�
Q: What do you do with a sick wasp?
A: Take it to a waspital!
�
Q: What is worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
A: Spitting the other half out
�
Q: What did the sushi say to the bee?
A: Wassabee!
�
Q: What do ants use to smell good?
A: Deodor-ant!
�
Q: What do you call a bug that jumps over cups?
A: A glasshopper!
�
Q: What was the spider doing on the computer?
A: Searching the web!
�
Q: What do you call a bug with four wheels and a trunk?
A: A Volkswagen Beetle!
�
Q: What do you call a wasp?
A: A wanna-bee!
�
Q: What do fireflies eat?
A: Light snacks!
�
Q: What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny!
�
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs!
�
Q: What is a caterpillar scared of?
A: A dogerpillar!
�
Q: What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
A: Skin diving!
�
Q: What kind of bugs live in clocks?
A: Ticks!
�
Q: What kind of petroleum do snails use?
A: Shell!
�
Q: What's a caterpillar's favorite weapon?
A: A caterpolt!
�
Q: How do caterpillars order the lastest fashions?
A: Caterloges
�
Q: Why don't vampires like mosquitoes?
A: Too much competition!
�
Q: Where's the best place to buy bugs?
A: A flea market!
Edited by Byteslurve, 09 October 2014 - 11:52 AM.
Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: Its been nice gnawing you.
Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?
A: A hare brain.
Q: How many hairs in a rabbit's tail?
A: None, they're all on the outside.
Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A: The first Rabbit to lay and egg.
Q: What's the difference between a healthy bunny and an odd bunny?
A: One is a fit bunny, and the other's a bit funny!
Q: How do you get letter to a bunny?
A: Hare mail.
Q: The more he takes away the bigger it becomes. What is it?
A: A rabbit hole.
Q: How is a rabbit like a Q-tip?
A: They both have cotton tails.
Q: Did you hear about the rich bunny?
A: He was a millionhare!
Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent?
A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.
Q: What would you call a rabbit who is mad at the sun?
A: A hot cross bunny.
Q: What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A: A bunny ribbit.
Q: What do you call a happy bunny?
A: An Hop-timist.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee?
A: A honey bunny.
Q: How is a rabbit like a cornstalk?
A: They both have big ears.
Q: Why is a leaky faucet like a cowardly bunny?
A: Because it runs.
Q: Why is a rabbit like a cent?
A: Because it has a head on one end and a tail on the other.
Q: What do you call a bunny who tells jokes?
A: A funny bunny!
Q: How are bunnies like calculators?
A: They can multiply real fast!
Q: What is a bunny's favorite dance?
A: The bunny hop!
Q: What kind of books do bunnies read?
A: The ones with hoppy endings!
Q: What did the bunny give his girlfriend when he asked her to marry him?
A: A 13-carrot ring!
Q: Do bunnies use combs?
A: No, they use hare brushes!
Q: Why did the little girl wash her bunny?
A: Because her hare was dirty!
Q: Why did the bunnies go on strike?
A: They wanted a raise in celery!
Q: Where do Easter bunnies go to dance?
A: To the Basket ball!
Q: How do bunnies get from one vegetable garden to another?
A: They take a taxi cabbage!
Q: What do you call a bunny that has fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Did you ever see a bunny with glasses?!
Q: What kind of music does a bunny listen to?
A: Hip Hop!
Q: Why are bunnies so smart?
A: Because they know how to multiply!
Q: How do bunnies keep their fur neat?
A: They use a harebrush!
Q: Why is a bunny's nose always so shiny?
A: Because his powder puff is at the wrong end!
Q: What do you call a holiday that bunnies go when when they first get married?
A: Bunnymoon!
Q: Which bunnies were famous bank robbers?
A: Bunny and Clyde!
Q: What kind of cars do bunnies drive?
A: Hop rods!
Q: What do bunnies sing at birthday parties?
A: Hoppy birthday to you!
Q: What did the bunnies say when the farmer caught them kissing in the garden?
A: Lettuce alone!
Q: What do you call a bunny with oodles of money?
A: A billion-hare!
Q: What game do little bunnies like to play?
A: Hopscotch!
Q: Why did the bunny get so mad?
A: She was having a bad hare day!
Why does the bunny bring toilet paper to the party?
Because he is a party pooper.
My parents accused me of being a liar, i looked them in the face and said, "tooth fairy, Santa, Easter bunny" and walked away like a boss.
By Eaton Beaver Associated Press Writer - April 15, 2010 8:18 am EST
The Energizer Bunny, known best for, "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:39am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,...
Foul play has not been ruled out.
A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest.
They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived.
The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed.
The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female."
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet.
The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.
The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!"
Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!"
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."
�
Q: Why are camels called ships of the desert?
A: Because they are filled with Arab semen!
Q: What do you call a camel without a hump?
A: Humphrey (Hump-free).
Q: Did you hear about the camel who was accused of stock fraud?
A: He took part in a hump and dump scheme.
Q: Why did the Taliban school alternate Sex Education classes with Drivers Ed.?
A: They only had one camel.
Q. What do you call a Taliban who owns six camels?
A. A pimp!
Q: How do you have sex with a camel?
A: One hump at a time.
Q: What do you call 144 camels in a box?
A: Gross!
Q: What is a camels favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpty Dumpty
This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and
half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel
tied up at the back of the fort.
He turns to the corporal: "What in God's name do you use that for?",
he asks.
The corporal replies "Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and
then, they become, shall we say, horny...."
"Ah, yes, yes, I understand. Fine, move on"
About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he'd get
up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal.
"Bring me to the camel" says he.
The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and
places a stool behind it. With that, the general stands on the stool,
takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel. He then proceeds
to give it the ride of its life. Having finished, he puts away his
equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal.
"Well", he says, "is that the way you men do it around here?"
"Er...no, sir", replies the corporal, "We normally just use the camel
to ride to the nearest brothel."
The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than
a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would
you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling
he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get
the hell out of here."
An englishman an irishman and a scotsman were in the sweltering desert
walking around looking desperatly for something to eat and drink,
when, as if out of nowhere, a camel appeared.
The englishman caught the camel and spluttered I support "Liverpool,
so I suppose I better eat the liver."
The scotsman immediately shouted, "Well I support Hearts so I'll eat
the heart."
And then the rather mentally challenged irishman said, "I support
Arsenal, but I don't feel hungry any more."
�
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf!
What does a cat go to sleep on?
A caterpillow!
What's green and dangerous?
A caterpillar with a machine gun!
Q: What pillar doesn't need holding up?
A: A caterpillar!
Q: What is the definition of a caterpillar?
A: A worm in a fur coat!
Q: What has stripes and pulls a tractor?
A: A caterpillar tractor!
Q: How do caterpillars order the lastest fashions?
A: Caterloges
Q: What's a caterpillar's favorite weapon?
A: A caterpolt!
Q: What's colorful and sails the open seas?
A: A catermaran.
Q: Where did Bill Cosby order his sweaters?
A: In Caterloges
�
Q. How do you know when your cat�s done cleaning herself?
A. She�s smoking a cigarette.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain
Q: When is a lion not a lion?
A: When he turns into his cage!
Q: Why don't cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.
Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!
Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.
Q: What do you call a lioin who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry
Hell yeah I�m a catholic i�ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet
Q: What do tigers wear in bed?
A: Stripey pyjamas!
Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
A: The purrpatrator.
Q: How do you get a wet pussy?
A: Put it in the shower.
Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!
Q: What is the most breathless thing on television?
A: The Pink Panter Show!
Q: What is a cat's favorite color?
A: Purrrple!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!
Q: What do you get if you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A: A peeping tom.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!
Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!
�
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!
Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
A: Because he has sandy claws!
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!
Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!
Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!
Q: What do you call a cat that wears make up?
A: Glamourpuss.
Q: What do cats like to read?
A: Cat-alogues!
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?
A: a duck-filled platy puss.
Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is lion's favorite food?
A: Baked beings!
Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny!
Q: What's striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!
Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!
Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?
A: Smack a lion!
Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!
Q: How is cat food sold?
A: Usually purr can!
Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!
Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'
Q: What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A: A catastrophe!
Q: Who was the most powerful cat in China?
A: Chairman Miaow!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A: A cat-a-logue!
Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
A: An octopuss!
Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
Q: When the cat's away.....?
A: The house smells better!
Q: What is a cats favorite vegetable?
A: As-purr-agus.
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Q: What's a cat's favorite button on the tv remote?
A: Paws
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: A meowtain!
Q: What do cats like to eat on sunny days?
A: Mice cream cones!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
A: Santa Claws!
Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!
Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder?
A: A purr-ate!
Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off!
Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school?
Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"
My kitten was having trouble watching her Blu-Ray. Turns out she just had the movie on paws.
Q: What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A: A walkie talkie!
Q: What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken?
A: Enough drumsticks to feed an army!
Q: Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team?
A: He took too long to put his boots on!
Q:What is worse than an alligator with toothache?
A: A centipede with athlete's foot!
Q:What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A: A centipede with chilblains!
Q:What has 50 legs but cant walk?
A: Half a centipede!
Q:What do you call a guard with 100 legs?
A: A sentrypede!
Q: What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg!
Q:How tall is the worlds largest centipede?
A: A centi-meter.
Q:Did you hear about the two Centipedes in love?
A: They would complete each others centinces.
Q:What do you get when you cross an animal rights activist and a centipede?
A:A centient being.
Q: Why was the centipede late?
A:�Because he was playing �This Little Piggy� with his friends!
A guy goes hiking and finds a rare poisonous centipede. Wanting to show his drinking buddies he puts it in a small ventilated box.
Once he gets it home, the guy decides to take the centipede to his local bar.
He taps on the box and says, "Would you like to go to Charley�s with me and have a beer?"
There�s no answer from the centipede. He waits a few moments then says, "How about you and me going to a bar?"
Again, there�s no answer. Thinking the centipede can�t hear him, the man goes right up to the box and yells, "Hey! Would you like to go to Charley�s and have a drink?!"
A little voice comes out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I�m putting on my shoes."
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