mycarforum: Jokes for everyone part 1

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see..
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don 't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and a eye patch. The sailor asked,

"So, tell me, how did you end up with the peg leg?

The pirate replies,

"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of
sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" exclaimed the sailor. "How did you get that hook?"

"Well," replies the pirate, "we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "So, how did you get the eye patch then?"

"A seagull 'dropping' fell into my eye," replies the pirate.

"What?! You lost your eye to a seagull 'dropping'?" the sailor asked in surprise. "How?"

"Well... says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the
obstetrician Dr. Cohen.

"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

"There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "It's just rust."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her Husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul..." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Another brief pause then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 6466-8731?"

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday..."

Ever wonder,

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's . The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next."

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

AH BENG LOOKING FOR WIFE

This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew.
One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng.

The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :
1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then.

After a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?
Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most

Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy
Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!

Ahkew : Why dunwan?
Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say " PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah!

Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian
Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say " WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to make baby la?

Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?
Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL, those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!! " (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Policemen came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either.

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in
the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said
proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two,
once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money
feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the
weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there
was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady,

"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
Little Johnny: ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on.....but I like your thinking.'

Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between " Potentially"
and "In reality"
Dad: I will show you
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for
1 million dollars ?
Wife: Yes of course, I would never waste such an opportunity !
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million
dollars?
Daughter: Waow ! Yes !! This is my fantasy!
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise
for 1 million dollars ?
Elder Son: Yeah, Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I
would never hesitate!
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son,
"Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars; but "In reality" we are
living with 2 bitches and 1 gay !!

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over
to her.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face
closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his
full beard, "Are you the manager? "she asks softly stroking his
face with both hands.
"Actually, no..." the bartender replies.
"Can you get him for me? "she asks, "I need to speak with him
,"she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything
I can do???"
"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to gently suck them.
"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a
finger "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or
hand soap in the ladies room!!"

A Sex Proposal

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The b------d used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

DavidBissonette : When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry: After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay

Socrates: By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them

Dumas: The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud: I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me

Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison : "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage

James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't

Patrick Murray: Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up

Nash: The most effective way to remember your wife's is to forget it once

Anonymous: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

Rodney Dangerfield: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage.

I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..
And you say you have family problems..

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex.

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says

"Mommy, what are you doing?" She said,

"Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out.

" The boy replied, "Why bother,
Every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

?Please allow me to help. I?m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you?d allow me,?she told him.

?Oh, no, I?ll be all right. I?ll be fine in a few minutes,? the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,?How does that feel??

He replied: ?It feels great, but I still think my thumb?s broken.?

Wife: ?What are you doing??
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : ?Nothing?? You?ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.?
Husband : ?I was looking for the expiration date.?

???????????-

Wife : ?Do you want dinner??
Husband : ?Sure! What are my choices??
Wife : ?Yes and no.?

???????????-

Wife: ?You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why??
Hubby: ?When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.?
Wife: ?You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you??
Hubby: ?Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one??

???????????-

Stress Reliever Girl: ?When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.?
Boy: ?It?s very kind of you, darling, but I don?t have any worries or troubles.?
Girl: ?Well that?s because we aren?t married yet.?

???????????-

Son: ? Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.?
Mom: ?Well, you have done the right thing.?
Son: ?But mom, I was sitting on daddy?s lap.?

???????????-

A newly married man asked his wife, ?Would you have married me if my father hadn?t left me a fortune??
?Honey,? the woman replied sweetly, ?I?d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!?

???????????-

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I?ll be yours forever
The guy replies: ?Thanks for the early warning.?

???????????-

A wife asked her husband: ?What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body??
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ?I like your sense of humor.?

The Queen Of England
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window.
Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered.
Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he
is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'

Singapura Ghost
This happened about a month ago just outside of Lim Chu Kang cemetery, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This ah beng was on the side of the road, looking for a taxi on a real dark night 3am in the middle of a heavy thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad ah beng jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realized that there was nobody in the driver's seat.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the ah beng was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the monsoon drain and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, ah beng watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally ah beng, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into the nearby 7-Eleven.

Wet and in shock, his voice was quavering, bought a cup of hot coffee and told the customers and sale girl about his supernatural experience. After hearing his story, everyone was silent got goose bumps when all of them realized ah beng was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two mens walked in and one said to the other, "Wah liao, who's tat idiot that jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain?"

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,>
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.

===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

=========================================
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.

===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

==================================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

================================================== =
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

================================================== =
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

================================================== ===
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

================================================== ===
man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not
in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM.

Study finds Beer contains female hormones.

Last month National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Golfer: Hey GOD, is there any golf course in Heaven ?
GOD: pause a while ... No answer
Golfer: Hey GOD I am asking you a question.
GOD: Let me check .....
Golfer: Sure, please.
GOD: OK.... I have book a 18 holes for you next month.

An old Greek man lived alone in Oakleigh. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was hard work for his advanced years as the ground was very
hard.

His only son, Costa, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote
a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Costa,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Costa

At 4 A.M. the next morning, Federal agents and Victoria Police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love Costa

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a
Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual
three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant
downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global
competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to
cook and helps with the housecleaning, gets along with my family,
doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish
for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Jane and Jenny are walking past a flower shop.

Jenny sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

Jane asks: "What's wrong with that?"

Janney says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

Jane asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"

Once there was a sperm named John.

When all the other sperms were just swimming around, John was doing sprints and lifting weights. All the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

John replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when John pulled ahead of the rest.

Suddenly, he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he shouted, "back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son...what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, ' And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in al!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!

How is yer loving hoosband doing? She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps around all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
sight, the little bas***d. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the
bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then
the monkey finds a peanut,
and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them
out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, well doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to s--t out that cue ball,
he measures everything first."

At a busy bus stop, a beautiful young lady wearing a tight fitting skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the Samaritan and yelled,"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man smiled and drawled, "Well, dear, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already good friends!!!"

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself. You save money"

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed
his clothes. All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked 'Why'? The animals told him......... ..'Your tail is in the front'.

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said,

"I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said,

"Are you the guy with the ad?"

The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked,

"Is that your elephant?"

"Yes."

The rich man replies.

Then the guy went back to his car. He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off. The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said,

"I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side."

The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side. People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up. He walked up to the elephant and said,

"Do you remember me?"

The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked,

"Do you want me to do it again?"

The elephant then shook his head from side to side frantically.

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, ?Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you?ve been wrestling an alligator!?

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

?Ohhh God! He told me he?d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!?

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ?those feelings? again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn?t had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ?Would you mind taking the dog for a walk??

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared.

Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.

Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.

As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.

There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "father, I
have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only say one thing"

"What do they say" the priest inquired. "They say, hi we're naughty
girls, do you want to have some fun"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaims I can see why you are
embarrassed.

He thought for a second and said "I may have a solution for your
problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read
the bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we will put them
in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship".

"Thank you" said the woman.

The next day she takes her parrots to the priest's house. She saw his

two male parrots in their cage holding their rosary beads and
praying.
Impressed she walks over and placed her parrots in with them. After a

few minutes the female parrots exclaim in unison "we're naughty
girls,
do you want to have some fun"

There was a stunned silence, finally one male parrot looks over to
the
other one and says "Francis, put your beads away, our prayers have
been answered"

zzz

Edited by Byteslurve, 08 January 2011 - 11:18 AM.

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and

listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl

said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The
next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence..
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her

prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh,
thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into
shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack-of-dawn to go to
his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of
the day he stayed there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just

spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle
of
my lesson!"

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ?intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fock me", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan
.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he
called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the
premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down
the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the
machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled
out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best
haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures,
$20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
Service
Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped
his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of
agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It
means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential! "

6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.
Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.

Grandpa(the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we canceled our trip.
Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has canceled her trip.
Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement...

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,

"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your a-----e before prison...."

9 Things Women Say...

1. "Fine" :
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. "Five Minutes" :
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. "Nothing" :
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine".

4. "Go Ahead" :
This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it!!!

5. *Loud Sigh* :
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "Nothing" .)

6. "That?s Okay" :
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That is okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. "Thanks" :
A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say: ?You are welcome.? Unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "You are welcome.", that will usually bring on a "Whatever".

8. "Whatever" :
Is women?s way of saying "F&*k You."

9. "Nevermind, don?t worry about it, I got it" :
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ?What is wrong?? For the woman?s response refer to #3.

SEX FROGS

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says:
"SEX FROGS"

Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .
NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions .... Please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her door bell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . .. Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

DOCTOR'S OFFICE

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

Why not? 'You asked me what was wrong and I told you', the old man said.

The Receptionist replied: 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Don't mess with seniors, they have nothing to lose!

Hey BOB! How ya doin?
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and
asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table , big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it ... She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull s--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s--t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

PASSWORD This one has to be the yarn of the week.............
A woman was helping her husband set
up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the
process, told him that he would now need to enter a
password. Something he will use to log on. The husband
was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's
attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter
his password, he made it plainly obvious to his
wife that he was keying in... P..... E.....
N..... I...... S..... His wife fell off her
chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD
DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th .
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you
tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

An Ah Beng was walking on the beach and he found a Genie's lamp. So he rubbed it and out came the Genie...

Genie: "Master! You have freed me. I shall grant you 3 wishes!"

Ah Beng: "Wah... I very lucky leh... Wah simi lan chiao mah ai! (I any c**k also want!)"

Genie:"Your wish is my command!"

At this point, there was a puff of smoke and millions of lan chiaos appeared all over Ah Beng's body! He got a shock... and he immediately said...

Ah Beng: "Wah lau eh! Wah simi lan chiao mah mai liao! (I any c**k also don't want oredi!)"

Genie: "Your wish is my command!"

At this point, there was a puff of smoke, and the millions of lan chiaos disappeared. So you think that's fine? Even his own lan chiao disappeared! Of course he wouldn't want to live out his life without his manhood. But he only had 1 wish left... and he had to wish carefully. So he thought for some time and said slowly...

Ah Beng: "Wah ai wah gu zha eh lan chiao. (I want my last time c**k.)"

Then there was a final puff of smoke... and he got his old lan chiao back. But it was the little dick he had when he was a baby.

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's
begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had
his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,1775' he said. '
Very good!'
Who said 'Government
of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln,
1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class,
'Class, you
should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more!
About its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper:
'fish the
Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm
gonna puke.
' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said
that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob
hysteria someone said 'You little s--t. If you say anything else, I'll kill
you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004..'
The teacher
fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said,'Oh s--t, we're f--ked!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was
George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

After having their 11th child, a Newfie couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5......"

......at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand........

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for
when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says,
"I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor
told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible.
I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?"
he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.
Do you have a housekeeper around" "Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay,
"But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

simon: You are looking worried john, Why?
jonn: My girl friend chew her nails.
simon: Oh! but its OK, lots of girls chew their nails
john: Toe nails???

A wife one evening drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How loving they are ?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that? she asked.
The husband replied:
"I tried once but she slapped me."

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

There is a room full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner." The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk???"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, ?I?m sorry to bother you, but I?m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.?

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, ?I?ve got a better idea?.let?s pretend we?re married.?
?Why not,? giggles the woman.

?Right?, he replies. ?Get your own fishing blanket.?

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady say's "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

A young high school couple - Johnny and Suzie had been dating for 2 years, but Suzie had very conservative parents - so she never told them about Johnny.

One day she announced, "Johnny, Friday is my 18th . I want you to come over and meet my parents. And then Saturday, they will be going away for the weekend - and this being my 18th , I want us to finally "DO IT."

Johnny was ecstatic, and the day of the dinner, he went out and bought flowers for Suzie and candy for her mom. He then stopped by the pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist asked him, "Do you want the 2 pack, 3 pack or 12 pack." Johnny responded, "You know, I think it's going to be a busy weekend, so I'll take the 12 pack."

Johnny headed over to Suzie's house, gave her the flowers and her mom the chocolate. Suzie's father also joined them on dinner. Johnny asked if he could say grace before the meal, and he sat there quietly for 10 minutes almost in a meditative state.

Suzie turned towards him and whispered, 'Johnny, you never told me you were so religious."

Johnny turned and replied, "Suzie, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!, This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little b------d on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. ?There is a blind man to see you,? she says. ?Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I?m in the shower. Send him in.?

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: ?That?s nice and all, ma?am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: ?I?m not rewarding him, I?m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.?

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, ?Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.? She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.

Suzie: ? I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.?

Teacher: ?That?s a good story, now what is the moral??

Suzie: ? Don?t count your chickens before they are hatched.?

Teacher: ?Very good Suzie, anyone else??

Ralphie: ?Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.?

Teacher: ?That?s a nice story, what is the moral??

Ralphie: ?Don?t put all your eggs in one basket.?

Teacher: ? Very good Ralphie, anyone else??

Little Johnny: ? Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.?

Teacher: ?Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story??

Little Johnny: ?Don?t f**k with Aunt Karen when she?s drunk.?

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through out the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?`

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
`God Almighty!` shouted Mary. Teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, `Who is our Lord and Savior?`
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. `Jesus Christ!` shouted Mary.

The teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. `What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?`

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, `If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' and I said "6" replies Johnny.

"But that's right!"

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said too!"

Bob leaves his cat with his brother Joe when he went out on a vacation. after a week, Bob calls and asks, "How's my cat??" Joe says, "I'm sorry, your cat died."

Bob was really angry and said to his brother over the phone, "You could have told me in a better way. You could have said when I called today, ' The cat is on the roof and won't come down.' Then when I called tomorrow you could have said, ' The cat fell down and the vet is trying to patch him up'. The when I called the third day you could have said,' I'm sorry the but the cat died. 'Then I would be O.K."

Joe stayed quiet, then said, "I'm Sorry. how's Mom?"

Bob said," She is on the roof and won't come down."

A father walks by this son's bedroom and stops. He heard him say, " God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grandma. Ta Ta Grandpa."
The father did not know what the boy meant but he was glad his son was praying.

The next day he found Grandpa died. That night he went to his sons room and heard his son praying,
" God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta Ta Grandma."

The dad was scared but waited till morning. And sure enough Grandma was died.
That night he went his sons room again and heard him praying, "God bless Mommy. Ta Ta Daddy."

The Dad way really scared. He didn't sleep all night. In the morning he went to the doctor to check him.
When he came home he saw his wife. His wife said,
" Thank God you're here, Honey!!! we found the Milkman dead on the front porch this morning!!"

A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly well child visit to The doctor.

The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?"

He tells her, "Yes my name is Johnny."

"And Johnny, do you know your mom's name?"

"Yes her name is Mommy," said little Johnny.

"And what is Mommy's real name?"

And little Johnny says, "it's Tammy."

"That is great," the doctor told Johnny.

Then the doctor asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"

Little johnny said, "it is daddy."

Finally the doctor asked, "And what does mommy call him?"

little Johnny looked up innocently and replied, "a-----e."

One day a little boy by the name Timothy, who was about 6 years old,
went to his mom and asked her, "How old are you?"

The mom said, "There are some things you should never ask a woman
and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."

Then the boy asked his mom, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

The mom replied, "Like I said there are some things you should never ask
a woman and that is one of them. You will understand when you get older."

Later the boy came to his mom and asked, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

The mom told Timothy, "There is some things you should never ask a woman and that
is definitely one of them. You will understand when you get older"

So the boy wandered off to his mom's room and found her purse and started looking
through it. As he was going through the purse he found her license. He was looking at it
and looking and looking. Then he went back to his mother and told her,
"Mommy, I know how old you are."

"How old," she said.

The little boy said, "27". Then he said, "I know how much you weigh."

"How much," she said.

The little boy told her,"You are 130 pounds." I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.

"Why son?" she said.

He said, "Because you have an F in sex."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f.....ing cat.

TEACHER: How old were you on your last ?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next ?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
JOHNNY: Here it is!
TEACHER: That's Correct!. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Johnny! TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS: Big hands!

It was Christmas, and kinder gardeners were giving their teachers presents.

One boy, who's father was owned a candy shop, came up and gave his teacher a gift wrapped up in a box.

The teacher shook the box and said "Hmm.. could this be.. maybe some candy?" She opened it and sure enough it was a box of chocolates. She said "Thanks!" And hugged him and he went on.

The next girl came up, who's mother owned a stained glass shop. She gave her the gift, and the teacher pretty much knew what it was. She knew not to shake glass so she felt it. "Umm... how about something stained glass." And again she was right. "Thanks!" She said and she hugged her and she went on.

Little Johnny came up next who's father owns a wine shop and so he gave her the gift, in a shoebox. She saw, it was dripping and so she touched the bottom and put it to her mouth. She said, "Hmm. Wine maybe?"

Little Johnny replied, "No! It's a puppy!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word ?beautiful? in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, ?My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.?

?Very good, Suzy,? replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

?My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,? he said.

?Excellent, Michael!? Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

?Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ?Beautiful, f**king beautiful!??

In a kindergarten class 3 kids were told to compose sentences in English about starting their day using three words:

Green, Pink, Yellow

The 1st kid said, "I wake-a up een the morning, and-a I see the yellow sun, a green grass-a and I weesh-a that my day will be a pink day."

The 2nd kid said, "I wake up in ze morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in ze evening I watch ze Pink Pantter show on ze TV."

Then comes the johnny, shaking his head, "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone ringing green green, I pink it up and I say Yellow."

A young couple had to go to a party one evening and they couldn't find a babysitter in due time so they tucked their son in and they put a story on the record player for him to listen while they were gone.

They left the house feeling their son was in "good hands" and they headed for the party. When returning home they rapidly sensed things weren't as good as they expected them to be.

They went upstairs to check if their son was alright...but when reaching the top they heard a distinct bang on the bedroom walls...They entered the child's room and heard him saying over and over again:
"YES I DO!...YES I DO!...YES I DO!"

All this time the poor kid was hitting his head against the wall as the record kept on playing: "Kids, do u wanna hear a story?...Kids, do u wanna hear a story?... Kids, do u wanna hear a story?"

Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.

Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of s--t

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much

would your father still have?

Ted: $10.

Teacher: You don't know maths.

Ted: You don't know my father!

Little johnny boards his school bus and sits right behind the driver. He starts to sing a weird song:

"Had my dad been a dog, my mom been a bitch; I'd have been a puppy".
"Had my dad been a horse, my mom been a mare; I'd have been a colt".
"Had my dad been a tiger, my mom been a tigress; I'd have been a cub"
.......... and so on.

The driver who is constantly getting irritated by his dumb song asks him:
"What if your dad had been a gay and your mom had been a lesbian?"

Little johnny replies: "Well then, I would have been a bus-driver".

Old people used to annoy me at weddings by pinching my cheeks and saying "you are next".

They quit years later when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street".
The blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy Ray raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy Ray replied, "Ghossst????....Shiiiiit!...From way back there I thought you said,"Goats!"

A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learned how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, isn't it?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me:
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That's good, isn't it?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond."
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive hooters at her mum. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25.

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state', so I flew to Alaska!"

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

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Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 12, 2016

Jokes for everyone part 1

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