mycarforum: Jokes for everyone part 12

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Panting and perspiring, two blondes on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.

"That was a steep climb," said the first blonde.

"It certainly was," replied the second. "It's a good thing we kept the brake on so we wouldn't have slid backwards."

Q: There is a blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?

A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of traffic accidents occur around home?
A: She moved.

One day a husband was talking with his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.

"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

How can you convince a blonde to marry you?

Tell her she's pregnant.

A blonde goes to get her hair cut.
The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?"
The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?"

Question. How do you get a blonde on the roof?

Answer. Tell her the drinks are on the house.

A blonde went to a doctors office and askes the nurse if she has any grapes. the nurse says no this is a doctors office we dont have any grapes. the blonde appologyzes and leaves. The next day she returns and again ask the nurse for grapes and the nurse said maam, i still dont have any grapes. The same blonde returned for 5 days straight and askes for grapes. the nurse on the 5th day says no and the next time you come here and ask for grapes i will staple your feet to the floor.
The next day the blonde comes back and says excuse me nurse do you have any staples and the nurse said no and then the blonde says in that case do you have any grape?

Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree?
A: Wave to her!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby?
A: I hope it's mine.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: You knock on the door.

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'll have a burger and fries"

The lady at the desk says "Sorry madam, this is a library!"

The blonde replies "I know, I'll have a burger and fries please"

The lady at the counter says "No, i dont think you understand, this is a library!"

The blonde says "Oh, sorry" and whispers, "I'll have a burger and fries"!

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Bessy says to Daisy, "I was artificially insaminated."
"I don't believe you," said Daisy.
"It's true, no bull!"

Why do blondes pour water on the keyboard?

To surf the web!

Q: Did you hear about the three blondes that froze to death in the drive in movie theater?

A: They wanted to go see Closed For Winter.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: It's the only car name they can spell.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Yo mama's so dumb she thought Meow Mix was a rap CD for cats.

Yo Mama's so fat, She slept on my bed!

Next morning it was a blanket!

Your mama is so fat, she stepped on a scale and said: Look, theres my phone number!

Yo Mama's so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'

Yo mamas so stupid she took a ruler to bed to measure how long she slept.

Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210 it was on the bathroom scale

Yo mama so fat, she has more rolls than a bakery.

Your mom is so ugly....

She is the first one sent in to scare the criminals during hostage situations.

She put the Boogie man outta business.

She make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

Your dad takes her to work each day so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

The monkeys at the zoo laugh at her.

People at the Zoo pay cash so they don't have to see her.

Hotel managers use her picture to keep the rats away.

When she was born, the doctor thought she was a monkey.

Your mama so poor...

When I asked what we're having for dinner, she took off her shoelaces and said "Spaghetti Night!"

She's so poor, people run over animals in front of her house just to help with food.

She I asked her what we're having for dinner, she tried to grab me and throw me in the oven.

When burglars break in her home, they get robbed!

She waves an ice lollypop around and calls it air conditioning.

She can't afford to go to the free clinic.

I threw a stone at a garbage can, and she pops out asking who knocked.

When she begs, even fellow beggers give her money.

She can't afford to pay attention.

She uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

She just bought an immitation of a fake Rolex.

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo momma so stupid, she took a dougnut back to the store because it had a hole in it.

Yo momma's so fat that when she sat on the highway people ran out of gas going around her.

Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Your mom is so old....

Her birthday certificate expired.

She was the only one in Jurrasic Park that they din't have to animate.

She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

She started to fart out mummy dust.

Her zip code is 00001.

She used to baby sit Yoda.

She got Adam and Eve's autograph hung on her wall.

Even Santa Clause is jealous.

She used to chill with the Flintstones.

She left her purse on Noah's Ark.

She still owes moses two dollars.

When there is a dispute about history, they ask her.

She remembers when the earth was one giant continent.

She once killed a dinosaur.

Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, "jumbo", "humongus", and "OH MY GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!"

Your mom is so stupid...

She makes Homer Simpson look like Einstein.

It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.

She sold her car for gas money.

Her shadow ran away.

She thought hot meals meant stolen food.

I told her to buy me a TV and she came back with a microwave.

Yo mama so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said she's moving.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she made Right Guard turn left.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she's got more clap than an auditorium.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she made Speed Stick slow down.

Yo Mamma is so nasty,
she has more crabs then Red Lobster.

Yo mama so fat.....

She could declare herself as a country.

When she gets up, it turns into night.

When she walks around, people yell "RUN RUN... Godzilla!"

When she farts the makes a crater in the earth.

When she jumps she knocks the earth out of orbit.

NASA Plans to use her to plug the hole in the ozone layer.

At any given time, there are folk running around her for exercise.

Her graduation photo has to be taken by sattelite.

She measures 38-26-36 and that's just her nose.

She creates her own gravitational pull, thus small objects orbit around her.

She sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and turned it into a Gameboy.

Her belt size is measured in miles.

When jets fly by they pick her up on their radar.

She makes the grand canyon look like a basement crack.

When she eats and she's not satisfied she eats the fridge too.

When she has something stuck in her teeth, the has to use the Seattle Space Needle.

thanks for sharing

but personally, i never enjoy yo mama jokes..

Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belt size is the equator.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her nickname is "Damn."

Yo mama is so fat she uses godzilla as an action figure.

To mama's breath is so stinky that people look forward to her farts.

Yo mama is so fat she uses her belt to beat people on the other side of the globe.

Yo mama is so fat when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo momma is so stupid when I said Christmas was around the corner she went lookin for it!

Yo Mama so stupid she got locked in a matress store and slept on the floor.

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to KFC she asks for the bucket on the roof.

Your mom is so fat, when she wears a Malcom-X t-shirt helicopters start landing on her.

Yo Momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!!!

Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling "Free Willy."

Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get to her good side!

Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!

Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo mama's feet so big, her sneakers need license plates.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY: 240 PATRONS OR YO MAMA"

Yo mama's so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama's so fat she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.

Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.

Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Yo moma is so dumb she took back a doughnut because it had a hole in it.

Yo' mama so old, she took her driver's test on a T-Rex!

Yo mama is so stupid, she burned down the house using a CD Burner.

Yo mama is so fat, she has to jump out of the car to change gears.

Yo mama is stupid she put lipstick on her head to make up her mind.

Yo mama is so hairy big foot is jealous.

Yo mama is so fat she tripped over Kmart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed right on Target.

Yo mama so fat I ran out of gas trying to get around her.

Yo mama is so fat, she eats whales for a snack.

Yo mama is so fat, you need an oxygen tank to climp up to her head.

Yo mama is so fat, she shows up on air traffic control radar.

Yo mama is so fat, she can throw sattelites into orbit.

Yo mama is so fat, when she walked in front of my TV, I missed 2 episodes.

Yo mama is so fat people think there's a lunar eclipse when she stands up.

Yo mama is so ugly she went to the zoo and the baboons adopted her.

Yo mama is so fat, when a meteor said to end earth hit her, she said "Who's throwing pebbles?"

Yo mama is so poor, she chases the garbage truck to do her shopping.

Yo mama is so poor she tried to use food stamps in the gumball machine.

Yo mama is so poor she waves around an icecream cone and calls air conditioning.

Yo mama is so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace came and pushed her in.

Yo mama is so fat she went to the local restaurant, looked at the menu and said "Ok"

Yo Mama is so fat she gets clothes in four sizes Large, Extra large, Jumbo and "Oh my gosh it's coming towards us!"

Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.

Yo mama so smelly, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.

Yo mama smells so bad her Sure deodorant is confused and her Secret told on her.

Yo mama so smelly, she made her Right Guard call for backup.

Yo mama so smelly, she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.

Yo mama so smelly, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.

Yo mama so smelly, a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"

Yo mama so smelly, she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.

Yo mama so smelly, next to her a skunk smells sweet.

To be continued...

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of a-----es sing that song!"

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '

thanks for sharing

but personally, i never enjoy yo mama jokes..

same.. hahha

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Edited by Byteslurve, 20 May 2013 - 09:13 AM.

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

At the Dentist
Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.
"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."

"I know," answered the patient.

"We two should be very careful not to hurt each other, ..... Agree?"

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship .
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said,
"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny 's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny .
"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny ,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop !" Then I would say, "It is dog poop . Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Mother was out, and dad was in charge.
She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

lovely jokes

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know s--t?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of the animal one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.
He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away,
turn right,
then left, past the bridge,
then right again
and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes",
the wife answers,
"why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered,
"Put the little b------d on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
'Doctor,'
the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,'
the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,'
the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor,
"let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..
'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!'
The doctor said confidently....
"It's Rust."

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.
The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg.
As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and
pulled out a dogie treat and started waving it at the dog.
A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked.
He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly
reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied
"Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his freaking' ass."

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home,
he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife
and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough
where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded.
"This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore
and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again,
and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it,
sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist,
and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated,
the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter,
and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute,
and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal.
The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there,
taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps,
with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

Walter

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"
First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing
about his preaching and beliefs?"
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time..
Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"
Second, "What the hell happened to Walter?"

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your f--kin' Ferrari?

Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable age. As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn't want her to leave him, he made an impossible offer to his kingdom's men. He announced that whoever has two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king was secretly pleased.

In another part of the kingdom, there were 2 woodcutter brothers, Jack & Jim. One day, they chanced upon a very big tree and decided to chop it down for it would fetch them a decent amount of money if sold as firewood.

As they were about to chop it down with their sharp axes, a voice cried out, "STOP! Please don't hurt me ! " The brothers were scared shitless when suddenly an apparition appeared from out of the tree. He told them that he was the genie of the tree and if they would to spare him, he would grant them a wish each.

Remembering the king's offer of his daughter as bride, the brothers each wished for a second prick. The genie said "Your wish is granted. Now... what you have wished for will fall down from the sky. You must catch it promptly with your hands and attach it to where you want it to be !"

Jack was the first one to receive his wish. As the prick was falling down from the sky, he swiftly caught it with his hands and attached it right next to where his own prick is.

Now, Jim was the clumsy one. As his second prick was hurling down , he missed and it landed right on his forehead !!!

Jack, being the cool one, told Jim that it was alright and they should proceed to the palace to seek the princess's hand in marriage. After all, the king did say 2 pricks. Jim, not wanting to expose what he had on his forehead, took a long piece of cloth and wound it round his head like a turban to hide it.

It was 2 days later when they reached the palace. The king was summoned and he asked Jack to show him his 2 pricks. Jack took off his pants and proudly showed it off to him. The king sighed in dismay and resignation and also called on Jim to show him his 2 pricks.

Embarrassed, Jim took off his pants and unwound his turban to reveal what's on his forehead. The king then yelled in disgust, "NI NA B EH ! YOU THIS TYPE OF LAN CHEOW BIN WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER AH ???!!!???? "

And so the term "Lan Cheow Bin" was coined.

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

Ah Beng was talking to his girlfriend's brother Ah Leng while walking down orchard road. Seeing a bunch of girls window shopping, he asked Ah Leng, 'Ay, did you know your sister Ah Lian is like vely the bias one?'

Ah Leng replied, 'Really ah? Bias is it? How is she the bias?' Ah Beng exclaimed, 'Aiyah, evely time we go Orchard Road she will always say, 'Ay Ah Beng bias this lar please, bias that lar please.'

There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.

One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).

The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.

So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"

The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"

The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"

Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of c--k?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"

3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!

They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, 'Long live the Queen' and died.

At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, 'Banzai' and died.

Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down.

Before he died, he shouted, 'KAYU LAH!!' One meter also no discount!'

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son."

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."

One day at the psychiatrists office, a short, fat man came in, stood in front of the desk and shouted at the psychiatrist 'HOI! Bow to me, lowly Chinese! I am General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ...' and the psychiatrist says 'What makes you think that you are General Yamashita?' and the man says 'Because God made me General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ... '

Suddenly, his laughter is interrupted by a voice from the outside...'NO I DIDN'T!'

After counseling the man and convincing him he is NOT General Yamashita, the short fat man leaves happy and pleased. Before letting the next patient come in, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "Sir Winston Churchill, this is Lim Bo Seng. I have Yamashita's plans ...'"

On a crowded public SBS bus, an Ah Lian got aboard and refused to budge from the her position near the front door. Her only response to the demands from the bus driver was, "Wah ai go Or-Chard Load!"

Nothing the bus driver did could make her move to the rear of the bus.

Finally, a passenger whispered something into the Ah Lian's ear, whereupon she immediately made her way to the back. Surprised, the bus driver asked the passenger how he managed to do it.

The passenger smiled and said, "I told her that the front of the bus goes to Jurong while the rear will take her to Orchard Road."

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Light bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.

Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

Judge: ?????????!!!!

The MP was making his rounds through the Sembawang kampung area. In Ah Chye's kampung house, the MP noticed a pig with a wooden leg hobbling about.

"Excuse me," the MP said to ah Chye, "but why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

"Oh, it's like this, sir... one night a robber entered our household, tied all of us up, stole our jewelry and was about to escape when the pig came out of nowhere, attacked the robber and saved us all."

"Oh, I see," said the MP uncertainly, "but I still don't understand. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

"Oh, it's like this, sir... There was a fire when we were all out to the cinema at Chong Pang. The pig alerted our neighbors, ran around organizing a water bucket system and helped the firemen put out the fire."

The MP was getting quite frustrated. "Listen, Mr Chye, That is all very interesting, but I still don't understand why the pig has a wooden leg."

"Oh, it's like this, sir..." Ah Chye said. "We used to have an old well. One day, our little daughter fell down the well. The pig jumped in, saved our girl, covered the well with planks and we never had that trouble again."

The MP shouted, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why does that damn pig have a wooden leg?"

Ah Chye appeared absolutely unfazed. "Well, you know," he said finally, "with a pig that good, how can you eat it all at once..."

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!"

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:

When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!

Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?

When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)

When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.

When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)

When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)

At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!

When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?

Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.

The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"

So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.

Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.

As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, okay!"

An American tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two statues, a man and a woman by the altar.

He asked the monk what was the significance of the two. The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures that the universal balance was maintained.

"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."

"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.

"This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."

Top 10 reasons why there are no sex scandals in Singapore...

10. Can't even be naked in own home, how to have sex?
9. Ah Lians don't exactly turn our leaders on.
8. Our leaders are cloned; no need for sex.
7. Hotels in Geylang no longer allowed to rent out rooms by the hour.
6. Sex not one of the 5 C's.
5. Oral sex still illegal in Singapore.
4. SPGs only go for foreigners.
3. Kiasee - don't want to get AIDS
2. Amended Women's Charter can bankrupt adulterous men.
1. And the number one reason why there are no sex scandals...Still confused over condoms and condos.

The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along the retiring general's body, between two points he chose.

The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop 'em and he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General's penis and began to work back. "My God!" He said, "Where are your testicles?" The General replied, "Back in Vietnam."

An American GI was fighting in Vietnam. One day he received 2 letters from home, one letter comes from his mom asking for his picture, one letter comes from his girl friend also asking for his picture. He had only 1 picture that he took at a beach standing naked. He didn't know what to do so he decided to cut the picture into two, the top half he sent to his girl friend.

The bottom half he sent to his mom because he knew his mom had a poor eyesight, she wouldn't know. When his mom received the bottom half of his naked picture, she sighed: "Poor my little boy! He has no time to shave his beard. He looks like his father, always has a cigar on his mouth."

Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the refugees points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A Vietnamese couple who has been married for twenty years went to the wedding reception of a close comrade's daughter. During the ring exchange ceremony, the husband started to cry profusely.

The wife, surprised by her husband's emotional outburst, said, " I didn't realize that you have so much feeling to share with your comrade's happiness."

The husband replied, "No, you are wrong! That was not why I cried." He continued, "Twenty years ago, your father caught us doing it, and threatened that if I don't marry you, your VC father will put me behind bars for twenty years.

Weeping even louder, the husband said, "If I had just gone to jail, I would've been a free man by now. I made a big mistake. "

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f--k with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

The Vietnamese soldier serving in Cambodia, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:

"Regret -- cannot remember which one is you. Please keep your photo and return the others."

This ethnic fellow Vietnamese buys a convertible one day from a local car dealer. Later the same night, the car dealer receives a phone call.

"Excuse me, but do you happen to have an extra set of keys for my new car? I seem to have locked mine in."

"Yeah, sure. Where are you?"

"Corner of Main and King."

"Okay. I'll be over in about half an hour."

"No, no! You have to come over right now!"

"Why?"

"'Cause I left the roof down and it's starting to rain!!"

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

The somewhat surprised applicant asked, "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I should be honest with you," explained the interviewer. "Nothing gets done before 10 o'clock because we just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first."

Edited by Byteslurve, 31 May 2013 - 01:47 PM.

"I can't believe my terrible fate," cried Cu Teo. When his friends asked what was the matter, he replied "My daughter has gone off and married that loser who doesn't know how to drink or gamble."

"Then what's the problem?" they asked. "You should be glad that your son-in-law doesn't drink or gamble."

"Who said he doesn't drink or gamble? He does both. I said he doesn't know how to do either one properly."

On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese. American asked Vietnamese, "What kind of "ese" are you?

"Excuse me?"

"What kind of "ese" are you?"

"Excuse me, I don't understand what you meant."

"Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?"

"Oh! I am a Vietnamese."

After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: "What kind of "kee" are you?

"What? What do you mean by key?"

"Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee."

Two Pakie's see an advertisement in a window, reading "be white for $10" . They both want to become white as they believe they will no longer be subject to racial abuse.

As only one of them has any money, he agrees to try it and if it's good, he'll lend the other Pakie $10. He goes into the shop, while the other waits outside. After an hour or so, the Pakie who went to have is skin changed to white comes out looking really good and white.

The other Pakie then says "wow that really worked, can you lend me $10 so I can be white as well".

His friend turns round and says "f--k off you Pakie" and walks off.

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Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 12, 2016

Jokes for everyone part 12

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