A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"
"No, I drove here."
Q: Why do men find it hard to make eye contact with women?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Edited by Byteslurve, 02 October 2014 - 02:07 PM.
Q: Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
A: So he can get oxygen to his brain.
Q: What did one of the prositute's knee say to the other?
A: Nothing. They have never met.
A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: They always leave to go answer the door.
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde asked, "Are you going to set it on fire?"
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 02 October 2014 - 02:13 PM.
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
She replies, "Sorry, this is a library."
The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"
A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks her for her license.
"You cops should get it together," she said. "One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it to you."
A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks her for her license.
"You cops should get it together," she said. "One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it to you."
Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot and says, "This one reminds me of my husband."
The second woman replies, "Your husband's is that long?"
Her friend answers, "No -- that dirty."
A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes into her room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."
The woman worriedly asks, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different. It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both male and female features."
The woman looks relieved. "Oh, you mean it has a penis AND a brain?"
Q: Why do blondes need see through lunch boxes
A: So they can tell if they're coming home or going to work.
Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: They're all pigs.
A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.
"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
Q: Why was Oprah stopped at the airport?
A: She was arrested for carrying 300 pounds of crack in her pants.
Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
A: She was trying to make up her mind.
How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
I never forget a face -- but in your case, I'll make an exception.
Q: How are men like lava lamps?
A: They're fun to look at, but they're not that bright.
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
Two blondes find a mirror on the sidewalk.
The first blonde picks it up, looks into it and says, "Hey, I know this person! I've seen her somewhere before."
The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it and says, "Duh! Of course you have -- that's me!"
A dentist tells a blonde that she needs braces.
The blonde says, "Why? I can walk just fine."
When the dentist explains that braces are for her teeth, she replies, "But my teeth don't walk."
On a more serious note...
�
�
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?
A: They are both blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
Four blondes drive to a bar in their old pickup truck. Three sit in the cab, and one sits in the bed of the truck.
The three blondes go into the bar and order a round of shots. Almost an hour later, the fourth blonde finally joins them.
"Where have you been?" they ask.
She responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tailgate!"
A blonde orders a pizza and is asked if she wants it cut into six or 12 pieces.
She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."
Q: What did the blonde do when she couldn't afford a personalized license plate?
A: She changed her name to JKM345.
After church service, a little boy tells his pastor that he is going to give him a lot of money when he grows up.
"Well, thank you," the pastor replies. "But why?"
The little boy says, "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"
Q: What's the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?
A: The proctologist only handles one a**hole at a time.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A: A two-ton pick-up.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."
Edited by Byteslurve, 02 October 2014 - 02:34 PM.
A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.
"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.
"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A guy gets pulled over for speeding on a rainy day.
The cop says, "Isn't it kind of stupid to be driving so fast in this weather?"
The driver says, "Who's stupid? I'm dry in my car. You're the one who's standing out in the rain."
Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
Why are there only 12 Republicans in heaven?
If there were any more, it'd be hell.
Q: Why did the blonde quit her restroom attendant job?
A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 02 October 2014 - 02:39 PM.
I don't know where you got your face from, but i hope you have the receipt.
A Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye are night fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio River.
As soon as the redneck puts his line in the water, he slings a fish onto the bank. The buckeye isn't catching anything, so he yells across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"
"Alright, tell ya what -- I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yells back.
The buckeye replies, "Ain't no way, buddy. You must think I'm a fool. I know when I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"
A blonde's car breaks down. A cop pulls up and inquires about the group of naked men standing next to her car.
The blonde says, "They're my emergency flashers."
Q: What's dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water?
A: A blonde trying to burn it down
Q: What do Roseanne Barr and a battleship have in common?
A: They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
Q: What did the blonde fill in for "Salary Expected" on a job application?
A: Yes.
A blonde takes her typewriter to the doctor. "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant."
The doctor asks, "Why in the world would you think that?"
She says, "Because it's started missing its period."
Yo' mama so fat, she has a real horse on her polo shirt.
Bob: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."
Jim: "Great trade!"
Fred, Bob and Mike visit a whorehouse.
Fred comes out of the first bedroom and says, "She put a powdered donut on my d**k."
Bob comes out of the second bedroom and says, "She put a glazed donut on my d**k."
Mike comes out of the third bedroom, holding two dollars. Fred and Bob ask, "Did she donut you?"
"No" says Mike, "she told me to go and buy a box of Cheerios."
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked, "What's new?"
Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?
A: One -- because men will screw anything.
A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?
A: She forgot to close her eyes.
A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path.
"What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake.
"I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?"
So, the snake felt the bunny. "Well, you're soft and cuddly," said the snake. "You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!"
"Awesome!" says the bunny. "Now what kind of animal are you?"
"I really don't know," says the snake. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?"
So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, "You're hard and cold, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer!"
Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.
She is so blonde, she thinks that Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.
Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.
When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!"
Men are like toilets, they're either taken, unavaliable, taking a piss or just full of s**t.
Q: Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
A: Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
Three Englishmen drink in a bar and spot an Irishman in the corner.
The first Englishman starts to taunt the Irishman, "Did you know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I didn't know that. Thank you."
The second Englishman yells, "Did you know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I didn't know that. Thank you."
The third Englishman yells, "Did you know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But that's what your friends have been trying to tell me."
She is so blonde, she studied for a blood test.
Q: Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy test?
A: Because she slept with more than one guy.
Q: Why couldn't Texas A&M put on a nativity scene?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
She is so blonde, she thinks a thesaurus is a dinosaur.
A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink."
The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Q: What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus.
A self-conscious wife asks her husband, "Honey, are my boobs too small?"
"No, honey, they're fine, but if you want to make them bigger, why don't you rub toilet paper between them?" he suggests.
For the next couple of weeks, the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day, but sees no results.
"Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work?"
"Well, you've been rubbing toilet paper on your ass all these years and that's getting bigger."
Q: Four lawyers drive a minivan over a cliff. What's the tragedy?
A: The minivan could've held eight lawyers.
A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.
"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.
"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.
"No, your boyfriend told me that!"
Q: How do you recognize a blonde's tricycle?
A: It's the one with the kickstand.
A blonde decides to try horseback rising. On her first outing, the bouncing horse causes her to lose control, and she is thrown from the horse.
Just as she loses consciousness, the carousel stops.
Every day after work two blondes would look for their cars together. Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.
One blonde says "We need to find a faster way to get home."
The next day, they come to work on a donkey. After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.
I think we're going to have to wait again, " says the one blonde. "I'm not convinced that's our donkey."
"Why not?" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde says, "Well, this donkey only has one a**hole, and this morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, 'Hey look at those two a**holes on that donkey.'"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
When she gets home, her husband asks her how it went.
She replies, "He said I have the body of a twenty-year-old.
Her husband says, "What did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"
She replies, "Your name didn't come up."
Blonde: "Doc, you've gotta help me. I keep hearing voices."
Doc: "When are you hearing these voices?"
Blonde: "When I'm on the telephone."
Q: What's the difference between men and batteries?
A: Batteries have a positive side.
Q: What happened when the blonde saw the "NC-17: Under 17 Not Admitted" sign at the movie theater?
A: She called 16 friends to come meet her.
Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that 90% of all crimes occur around the home?
A: She moved.
What do you call the space between a woman's breasts and her vagina?
A waste.
A woman wakes up one morning and open the blinds. Her husband, half-awake, says, "Close those blinds, those little boys over the road can see my naked body." The woman replies, "If those little boys saw your naked body, they'd close their blinds."
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the pants.
What do women and washing machines have in common?
They both leak when they're f**ked!
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
How do you make a woman blind?
Put a windshield in front of her!
Q: What's the difference between a bucket of crap and a mother-in-law?
A: The bucket!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: An ironing board's legs are hard to open
Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.
One blonde riding shotgun says, "Look over there!" They see another blonde in scuba gear who is acting like she's swimming through the wheat.
The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us blondes a bad name."
The other blonde says, "Yeah! And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 02 October 2014 - 04:03 PM.
Q: What does a good whiskey have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: It's also a seven-year-old liquor.
He said what he did was take all of his clothes off, and he stood naked in front of the mirror. I said, 'That's a damn good diet.' I think I could lose weight, too, if I saw Barry White naked, huh? Like, 'You hungry?' 'No man, I just saw Barry White naked. I don't want nothin'.'
Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home?
A: So all the old people can see there futures!
A stoner stumbles out of a party and starts walking home.
On the way, he bumps into a man who is bloody and mangled.
The man says, "Call me an ambulance!"
The stoner looks at him and says, "You're an ambulance!"
Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Hoooooney, I want to go to Miaaami!"
One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.
"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."
"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"
The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by visiting fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old times' sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan while you're having sex?
A: Let her catch you doing it.
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.
She got married again and that husband failed in bed.
Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."
The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs.
"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.
"Tell me a little about you."
"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.
"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.
He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?
A: When his wife's out of town.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
A man and his wife shower together. The husband puts his hand on her breast and says, "These are nice, but if they were a bit firmer you could walk around without a bra for me."
Then the husband pats her butt and says, "This is nice, but if it was a bit firmer, you could walk around without panties for me."
The wife turns around to her husband, grabs his groin and says, "This is nice, but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 03 October 2014 - 08:58 AM.
Q: What do men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.
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