mycarforum: Jokes for everyone part 14

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".

A young woman was pulled over in Nashville, Tennessee for speeding. As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Tennessee State Police Ball."

He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

In Lakewood, a Tennessee State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"

The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we said to just sell lemonade!)

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

There was this little boy that read an article one day. It was about this man holding a world record of holding poop in his hand for the longest time (25 years). So the boy decided that he was going to poop in his hand.

So the boy went off to school the next day, with the poop in his hand. The teacher noticed that he kept his hand closed, so she told the boy to open her hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OK. I'm sending you to the principal's office.
The kid went to the principal's off and the principal to the boy to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"Fine. Your suspended."
So the boy went home and his mother told him to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OPEN YOUR HAND."
"No."
So the mother slapped the boy's hand, and the boy said, "Look mom you scared the crap out of him."

A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad,
"Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"
"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said,
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,
"This is two. One and two make three."
"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."

A little boy was doing his Geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Daddy, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said his father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house."

A man on a bike was stopped at the border by police assigned to investigate goods transported across both states. He carried a bag of sand. On perusing through however, the cop found nothing else in the bag and therefore let him go. The next day this man was stopped with his bike and a bag of sand and the same process carried out. Again, he was let off when the cop found nothing illegal. This sequence carried on for three years. One day both men, the cop and the bike guy, met at a pub. "Tell me, man," said the cop, "I promise I will not tell anyone; but what were you smuggling all those years?" Surprised, the man looked at this professional, laughed and shrugged. "Bicycles," he said.

A stupid man was walking briskly when he met another equally "intelligent" fellow. The former was carrying a basket with a dozen eggs. He said to the latter, "Tell me what is in this basket and I'll give you six eggs, and tell me how many they are and I'll give all the dozen eggs." The latter said, "Please give some more hints!"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

A man reading a magazine in his sitting room sat opposite his son, who was having dinner. He, the son had two cakes in his plate. After watching his plate for a while, he said to his dad, "Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"
"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said,
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,
"This is two. One and two make three."
"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson - he brought the house down.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're b-------ttin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Haha this thread is now my fav thread. I contribute ah...

Man: Why do you women go out shopping when you never buy anything back?
Wife: Why do men go fishing when they never catch anything?

What's the diff between iron man and iron woman?

One is a super arrogant superhero while the other is a command.

THE TOILET SEAT COVER
Julie, had been after her husband for several weeks to paint thier old toilet seat cover. Finally, her husband got around to repair it while Julie was out.
After finishing, her husband left to take care of another urgent matter at work before she returned from shopping.
Moment later, she came home and walk straight into the toilet and undressed herself to take a shower, before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet bowl to relief herself.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the wet and not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat cover. While she continue struggling, her husband got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled each other without any success. Finally...in desperation, her husband unscrew the toilet seat bolts and ask Julie to wrapped a bed sheet around herself and drive her to the hospital Accident & Emergency department immediately.
The A&E Doctor put her into a face down/back-up position where he could study and figure out how to free her (You please try to get a mental picture of the urgent life-saving situation)
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'm very sure you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, " Honestly, I've seen many and lots of them......But I just never see one before so firmly mounted and framed perfectly center ! "

Edited by Fongmy, 11 June 2013 - 07:57 PM.

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante

*****

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

*****

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

lols

Q: Why did the sun go to school?
A: To get brighter!
�

Q: How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
A: When it�s full.
�

Q: what do you call a tick on the moon?
A: A luna-tick

�

Q:What kind of music do planets sing?
A:Neptunes!

�

Q: What�s a light-year?
A: The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

�

Q: Why did the cow go in the spaceship?
A: It wanted to see the mooooooon!
�

Q: What do planets like to read?
A: Comet books!
�

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder!
�

Q: Why don�t aliens eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!
�

Q: What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?
A: The space bar!
�

Q: Why did the cow go to outer space?
A: To visit the milky way.
�

Q: Where would an astronaut park his space ship?
A: A parking meteor!
�

Q: What was the first animal in space?
A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

�

Q: Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?
A: Because Mercury moved in.
�

Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.
�

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: He was looking for Pluto.
�

Q: What do you call a loony spaceman?
A: An astronaut.

�

Q: What did the alien say when he was out of room?
A: I�m all spaced out!

�

Q: What do aliens on the metric system say?
A: Take me to your liter.

�

Q: Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?
A: Because there was no atmosphere.

Edited by Byteslurve, 17 September 2014 - 09:30 AM.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I keep seeing in to the future.
Doctor: When did this start?
Patient: Next Tuesday.��

It is up when a man use it.

It is down when a woman use it.

It is down at least once a day depending on the man.

It is down all the time with a woman.

It makes both man and woman exercise when it is in public.

It can trigger a quarrel between husband n wife if not handled properly.

It is......

A toilet seat

There were 2 cats looking into a green canary's cage. The first cat said to the second cat, "That's not a canary, it's green!"
The second cat said, "I don't know, maybe it's not ripe yet!"�

There were three girls going for a hike in the desert. The first girl said, "I'll bring water in case we get thirsty."
The second said, "I'll bring food in case we get hungry."
The last said, "I'll bring the car door, so if we get hot we can roll the window down!"�

Kermit the Frog walks into a loan place and goes up to a lady working there. He notices her name tag says Patti Wak. Kermit asks if he can take out a loan and she says, "I am going to have to see an IOU." Kermit takes out a piggy bank from his pocket and says here it is. Patti Wak asks what it is and he tells her it's his IOU. Young man I am going to have to call your parents, "What's their number?"
"555-8937."
"Hello who is this?"
"This is Mick Jagger."
Patti Wak talks to Mick Jagger then talks to her manager. The manager says, "Nik Nak Patti Wak give this frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone."�

A girl went out one day and when she came back her house was on fire. She called the fire department and the lady that answered the phone told her to calm down. Then the lady asked, "How do we get to your house?"
The girl replied, "DUH! On your big red truck!"�

Bob: I lost my dog today.
Bill: So put an ad in the paper.
Bob: What good would that do? My dog can't read.�

A small boy is asked to find out what the first 4 letters of the alphabet are for his homework.
"Mum, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up and go away," she replied.
The boy went to his dad. "Dad, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"YYYYEEEAAAHHH!!!" The boy's dad roared; football was on the TV and his team had scored.
"Brother, what is the third letter of the alphabet?" The boy asked his brother, who was playing with his action men.
"Action Man, the greatest hero of them all!" He cried.
"Sister, what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?" The boy's sister was playing with her Barbie dolls.
"Drive away in the Barbie car, beep, beep!" The boy's sister sang.

There was a man called Stupid and a man called Nobody. One day Stupid pushed Nobody out of the window and then called for an ambulance. When it arrived, he told them that Nobody fell out of the window. The ambulance driver replied, "Are you stupid?"
Stupid replied, "That's amazing!! How did you guess?!

Edited by Byteslurve, 18 September 2014 - 08:54 AM.

There is a girl who has never ridden a horse. She gets on a horse for the first time. The horse starts to trot, then gallop. The girl gets scared and falls to the underside of the horse. The girl is getting trampled by the unknowing horse, and at the brink of being knocked out, when Willy the Wal-Mart worker unplugs the electric horse.

Three girls have a car crash and they all die. When they get up to the gates of heaven Saint Peter says, "Inside heaven there are lots of ducks, if you stand on one you will be given a terrible punishment!" The first girl steps on a duck and gets tied to a really ugly man, then the second girl steps on a duck and she gets tied to a really ugly man. The third girl doesn't step on a duck, so she walks along and a really handsome man gets tied to her and she said, "WOW, what have I done to deserve this?"
The really handsome man said, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck!"�

Edited by Byteslurve, 18 September 2014 - 09:42 AM.

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

Edited by Byteslurve, 22 September 2014 - 11:40 AM.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 22 September 2014 - 12:03 PM.

�

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

A guide to walking tigers

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

�

Took me a while to figure out... I actually let go thinking of it, then it dawned on me! [laugh]

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

�

Took me a while to figure out... I actually let go thinking of it, then it dawned on me!

Lols, same thing happened to me too [:p]

Edited by Byteslurve, 22 September 2014 - 03:30 PM.

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Thanks for all the contributions, appreciate if more can join in so that we can brighten up everyone's life and bring a smile on their faces. http://www.mycarforu..._DIR#/sunny.gif http://www.mycarforu..._DIR#/sunny.gif http://www.mycarforu..._DIR#/sunny.gif

Hi pal,

Appreciate your effort... Although some of them are rather dry(oops!), nonetheless your posts did brighten up my otherwise boring Monday...

Tks pal! Cheers

Hi pal,

Appreciate your effort... Although some of them are rather dry(oops!), nonetheless your posts did brighten up my otherwise boring Monday...

Tks pal! Cheers

Thanks for your support, will do my best to get more creative jokes for you guys

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey of a building and wanted to get down to the ground floor.

As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G.

As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and really had no idea what does the letter G mean.

Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?"

The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."

Once upon a time hor, got one girl called Little Led Liding Hoot. She want to go to Ah Mah's house.

Morning she alleady go out one, she got take one basket to put flower. She doh wan to walk long-long so go take shot cut.

Wah!!! She dono got one animal follow her leh! She happy-happy walk until she come to Ah Mah house.

"Ah Mah! Ah Mah! I come, open the door lah!" she talk.
Then Ah Mah also talk back, "Come in lah I never close one."

Little Led Liding Hoot open the house and go inside the door......

Oh, solly solly......open the door and go inside the house, she see her Ah Mah on top of the bed.

She go ask Ah Mah. "Ah Mah, how come your eye so vely big one hah?"
"So I can see you maahhhhh!!!" Ah Mah say back.

"Ah Mah, how come your year vely long one hah?"
"So vely easy to hear you laah!!!!"

"Ah Mah, how come......."
"Aiyaa!!!! SO many question one ah you......never die before is it?"
"Soly lah Ah Mah, I dono mah that's why I ask".
"What soly-soly! Now I want to eat you, I not Ah Mah, I animal one you know......."

Wah! Little Led Liding Hoot vely scared alleady, she scleam vely loud but late alleady, the animal alleady eat her. She now inside stomach alleady.

Suddenly got one people, cut wood one, go inside the house. He want to save Little Led Liding Hoot, he go and cut the animal stomach and take out everything, but he too late, Little Led Liding Hoot become shit alleady......

ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
GENES: blue denim slacks
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SECRETION: hiding anything
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited

How's this - alternative lyrics for closing song? [:p]

Attached Thumbnails

Edited by Toothiewabbit, 23 September 2014 - 07:38 PM.

Nice song lols [bounce1]

Edited by Byteslurve, 24 September 2014 - 08:54 AM.

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.�

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.�

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."�

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."

Dr M has great difficulty trying to find solutions to his country's economic and currency problems. He knows his brain isn't working well now. So he decides to go to the United States to have a brain transplant. He thought that with a new brain, he can think better and can find better solutions to the problems. The neurosurgeon asked Dr M if he wanted a cheap brain or an expensive one. Cheap brains are Singapore brains while the expensive ones are Malaysian brains. Dr M was simply overjoyed. He could not stop laughing. He said 'At last, we have something more valuable than they have!' While smiling from ear to ear, and out of curiosity, he asked the neurosurgeon, 'but why are Singapore brains so cheap and Malaysian brains so expensive?' The neurosurgeon replied 'Oh, its very simple. These Singaporeans really overused their brains. They don't just plan 1 or 5 years ahead. They plan a generation ahead. Malaysians, on the other hand, hardly use their brains. These brains are virtually brand new!'

Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don�t know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don�t know my father la!

Edited by Byteslurve, 24 September 2014 - 02:51 PM.

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But but but� .I will only get my report card tomorrow
Mother: I know that, but I�m going Hong Kong tomorrow so I�m scolding you now.

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: Same as me la.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!

Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me...

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam you!"�

So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.�

Just then, Maggi Mee walked round the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.�

As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just because you perm your hair, we can't recognise you, okay!"�

Edited by Byteslurve, 24 September 2014 - 03:23 PM.

Have you seen the Made-in-Malaysia car "Kancil"?
You know, that very little 600 cc car ???
Well, Dr M really wanted to sell it to the US, so when Dr M
paid a visit to the White House after finishing formal discussions with
George Bush, Dr M checks with Bush to find out if there is a way to sell
the Kancil in the USA.

After having looked at the brochure, Bush said, "You know,I think
this 'Kernchill' is too small for us Americans."
Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Bush
offered, "Ok,take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and
he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North
America."
Dr M was satisfied
with the meeting and returns to Malaysia.
The next day he called the number and a lady answered,"TOYS R US",
can I help you?"

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 24 September 2014 - 03:34 PM.

There are three major races in Malaysia - Malay, Chinese and
Indian.

The Malays have the political power and so they set up the party
UMNO, which literally means "U Must Not Object".

The Chinese, on the other hand, controls most of the Economy and
They called their party MCA which means "Money Conquers All".

Then there are the Indians who have no say in politics or
economics.?They set up their party called MIC. Hence, every Parliamentary
meeting the Indians would ask: "Must I Come?"

�

Q: Why did the sun go to school?
A: To get brighter!
�

Q: How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
A: When it�s full.
�

Q: what do you call a tick on the moon?
A: A luna-tick

�

Q:What kind of music do planets sing?
A:Neptunes!

�

Q: What�s a light-year?
A: The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

�

Q: Why did the cow go in the spaceship?
A: It wanted to see the mooooooon!
�

Q: What do planets like to read?
A: Comet books!
�

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder!
�

Q: Why don�t aliens eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!
�

Q: What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?
A: The space bar!
�

Q: Why did the cow go to outer space?
A: To visit the milky way.
�

Q: Where would an astronaut park his space ship?
A: A parking meteor!
�

Q: What was the first animal in space?
A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

�

Q: Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?
A: Because Mercury moved in.
�

Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.
�

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: He was looking for Pluto.
�

Q: What do you call a loony spaceman?
A: An astronaut.

�

Q: What did the alien say when he was out of room?
A: I�m all spaced out!

�

Q: What do aliens on the metric system say?
A: Take me to your liter.

�

Q: Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?
A: Because there was no atmosphere.

�

Q: Why is Porker always orbiting behind your ass-teroid?

A: He's looking for Uranus.

�

Q: Why is Porker always orbiting behind your ass-teroid?

A: He's looking for Uranus.

hahaha!! LMAO [laugh]

�

Better stick a Mars bar up the *ahem* so the probe cannot land. [:p]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Edited by Byteslurve, 24 September 2014 - 04:01 PM.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.�

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"�

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''�

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.�

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.�

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.�

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''�

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''�

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

Police: Why did you steal his watch?�
Thief: I didn't steal it, he gave it to me!
Police: When did he give it to you?�
Thief: When I showed him the gun!

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.�

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"�

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

�

[laugh] � [laugh] � [laugh] �Power of advertising!�

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" She replies, "In three months."

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 25 September 2014 - 10:45 AM.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend asked, "What's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

I would like to share�an old lame�joke..

�

one fine day, superman was flying in the sky.� And he saw wonder woman nude "DIYing" herself on the rooftop

�

superman thought to himself, if I do a milisecond quickie, wonderwoman should not notice a thing

�

without a doubt, he�zoomed in out in out within a mili fraction of a sec....flew back in sky.. satisfied....

�

wonder woman paused..."huh? why did you stop?"

invisible man said.."dunno why, suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my a$$"

Two blondes wait at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver says, "No, I'm sorry."
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"

There was a blonde at a stoplight and it said �walk.� She started walking and, when she was in the middle of the street, the sign turned to �don't walk.�

So she stopped.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color, new outfit and big sunglasses, and then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.

"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.

"Shut up! You're next!"

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see..
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don 't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

�

Amazing trick by older woman.

�

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

man, never get tired of blonde jokes LOL

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

Q: Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?

A: Her husband was a blonde, too.

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"

They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 26 September 2014 - 04:59 PM.

Q: Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?

A: So she could have shade when she swam across.

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked.

She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that."

They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that."

They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"

They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"

So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.

Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"

He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"

So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 01 October 2014 - 10:27 AM.

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest d**k.
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their d**ks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "A buffet!"

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 01 October 2014 - 10:48 AM.

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."

The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

Q: Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested?

A: Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.

Q: What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?

A: A whopper with cheese.

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"

He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

Q: How are blondes and computers similar?

A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 01 October 2014 - 02:10 PM.

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

Edited by Byteslurve, 01 October 2014 - 02:38 PM.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.

"That's something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it because it has teeth," she replied.

Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.

One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.

On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.

"No," he said. "It's got teeth."

"Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!"

"Well, I'm not surprised," he replied."Not with gums like that."

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.''

She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!''

He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.''

He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.''

The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, ''That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!''

�

Edited by Byteslurve, 01 October 2014 - 03:11 PM.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored.

The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying.

The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Politicians are Post Turtles

�

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
�
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
�
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are �post turtles�.� Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what is a 'post turtle'?
�
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
�
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.� "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a r s e put him up there to begin with."
�
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, �Whats that?� She says, �Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.�

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, �Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.�

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Why did she go to the other side? To go to the bar.

Why did she go to the bar? To go to the toilet.

Why did she go to the toilet? Because that's where all the cocks hang out.

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: How are blondes and computers similar?

A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

This is so funny haha

Hi Byteslurve,

You sure have a lot of jokes, think you better be a standup comedian haha!!

Thanks very much for your daily dose of jokes, never tired of them, cheers!!

Hi Byteslurve,

You sure have a lot of jokes, think you better be a standup comedian haha!!

Thanks very much for your daily dose of jokes, never tired of them, cheers!!

Thanks for the kind support you�guys had given and time�to read the jokes, I will try my best to post more funnier ones to�make everyone�happy. � �

Edited by Byteslurve, 02 October 2014 - 12:02 PM.

Q: Why are there hardly any dental professionals in Arkansas?

A: Because it takes 35 patients to make a full set of teeth.

mycarforum

Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 12, 2016

Jokes for everyone part 14

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