mycarforum: Jokes for everyone part 7

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

Murphy's Law in Sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of c--k in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle.He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."

The man said, "No s--t!"

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half way through, he dropped his spoon .When the waiter came around to see if everything was ok,the man told him he needed a new spoon. So the waiter pulled one out ifhis pouch. The man asked, "I was just wondering, why do you keep spoons in your pouch?"

The waiter answered, "To save time."

So the man went on eating his soup. After about 15 minutes, the waiter came by to see if everything was ok. The man said everything was delicious. He noticed that a string was hanging out of the waiters pants, so he asked, "I was just wondering, why do you have a string hanging out of your zipper?"

The waiter answered, "It saves time so that we don't have to wash our hands.

"

Then the man asked, "But don't you have to touch the doorknob to the bathroom?"

The waiter said, "I dont know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon ."

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, "You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, "Beerrr!!!" Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,"lemonadeee!!!" Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling "wheeeeeeeee!!!"'

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, ?No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.?

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear.

"

"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.

"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.

"Yes."

"Do farts have lumps?"

"No. Why do you ask."

"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

There's a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting.She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem.She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear.The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs.The doctor's only reaction to this was... "It's good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing...."

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?

They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

When I die,I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to personally escort the man around so he can choose the section of hell he would like to be in. The first section has everybody being burned constantly and getting a glass of water every 7 hours. The second section has everybody working hard and getting a glass of water every three hours. The last section has everybody kneedeep in crap.

"Well, this doesn't look too bad -- and it beats being burned or working. I'll take the crap."

"Okay," says the devil. "Everybody back on their heads."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart.Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

"Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir.I don't smell anything.What does it smell like to you?"

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?'The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

There must be some real sick people out there!

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on.

He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion."Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?

A: Winnie the Pooh!

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart.He yelled, "7 points!"

His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied,"Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7,7.End of quarter switch sides!!!"

What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Why don't witches wear undies?

To get better grip on their brooms.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends,Daryl and Gomer.The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange.Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a-----es.

"

"What?He had two a-----es?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two a-----es.Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a-----es.'"

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

There's M&M shells all over the floor.

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself!

Q:What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?

A:Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and aboutto have a baby.One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital.He held her hand as she wentthrough a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that says, "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She starts to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her, she says, "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"

The other blonde replies, "They didn't serve any last year.

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like.They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, "Greenside up." The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, "I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark." The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, "Greenside up!" The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything.

They continue to her bedroom and she says, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here." The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, "Greenside up." The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, "Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?"The contractor replies, "You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away.The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

"I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description.After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

"Easy," she replied. "He only has one eye."

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

"He only has one ear," was her answer.

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.

"

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses!He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

"Well," she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck.The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back.While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge.After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.

"Where have you been?" asked the man.

"I can't believe you left me down there!I couldn't get the tailgate open!"

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money.She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory.She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad.After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo

two test tickles; not two testicles!"

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator?

She couldn't find the 10 key.

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

Q: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater?

A:A blonde trying to set fire to it.

She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

What do blondes and shrimps have in common?
Their heads are full of s--t, but the pink bits are nice.

A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and orders an Iced Cappuccino.

"Do you want it hot or cold?"

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?

It hurts to boil their nipples!

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off. A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, "Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, "Is this it?""No," was the reply from the blonde carpenter, "mine had a pencil behind it."

A blonde says to a brunette, "Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt."

The brunette says, "Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup."

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."

The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive.

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

There was a blonde driving down the road one day.She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field.She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, ?What do you think you're doing?It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!?

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car.Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"

"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

Once there was a bear taking a dump in the forest. A rabbit walks by and the bear says,"Hey rabbit, does poo stick to your fur?"

"No," says rabbit.

"That's great!" says bear.

And bear picks up rabbit and wipes his butt with him.

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said,

"Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said,

"Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said,

"Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest."

The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat the living daylights out of the rabbit. Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked,

"Lion, why are you doing this? He was only trying to help you." The lion answered,

"This little f***er? He makes me run around the forest like a f***ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy.

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him,

"My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"

She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."

"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?

"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."

"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"

"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"

"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

Now John has no arms or legs.

His brother finally arrives to save him.

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel f--ked"

And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!

There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the country store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its a-----e. Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT? "

To which the cowboy reply, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

One day a duck walks into a newsagent and approaches the shopkeeper:

"Hey, have you got any duck food?", he asks.

"No", replies the shopkeeper.

The next day the same duck walks into the same store and again asks for duck food.

"No", retorts the shopkeeper and the duck waddles out the shop.

24 hours later the duck strolls in, "Have you got any duck food?"

"No!" shouts the shopkeeper. "And if you ask me one my time, i'm going to nail your beak to this counter!"

The next day the duck walks in, "Have you got any nails?"

"No" replies the baffled shopkeeper.

"Have you got any duck food then?"

A panda walked into a bar and approached the barman:

"I want a steak and kidney pie and a coke please."

The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table.

Soon, a waiter took over the meal. The Panda gobbled it up, tipped the waiter and paid his bill. All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said:

"Argh! You just shot my friend!"

The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?"

"Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!"

"Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition...

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -BANG!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and angrily starts cursing the dog.

The butcher runs up screaming at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

nice one...

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane.

The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me. Unable to contain my excitement, I mounted her and did my thing."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others. "No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

A farmer is sitting in the local pub inebriated. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the s--t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no s--t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. You see, if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun does'nt work, there's going to be some s--t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road..."

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

The funeral parlor called an 85-year old widow to tell her that her 90- year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.

"Well", she said "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then stick it up his ass". The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek.

She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I told you it hurt, you old fisher."

A married couple in their early 40s are sitting having a routine discussion of their financial situation.

The husband says "Look Val things are pretty slow at work at the moment so I think we really need to tighten the budget. For starters you will have to learn to cook better so we can stop eating out all of the time. And you will have to learn to iron better >>> because the ironing lady will have to go. There is absolutely no doubt that you will have to learn to clean better so we can get rid of the cleaning lady, OK?"

His wife responds, "That's fine Ralph, but you better learn to fish better so we can get rid of the gardener."

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow!

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Eventually, the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A guy goes to see a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses a little to think this over and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. After a thorough investigation, he says to the patinet, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real a-----e, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job just a week ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"

The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos".

Following a nasty car accident, a man's wife slips into a coma. After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital.

"It's amazing" says the Doctor, breathlessly. "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched." The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do.

"Well," says the doc, "if one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too." So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor, waiting outside.

"Excellent!" he says. "If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex."

Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room.

"What happened?" shouts the doctor, as he checks the prone woman's pulse.

"I'm not sure," replies the man, looking sheepish. "I think she choked."

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a Soho restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She barks, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices an OTB betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, rocks up to the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge." The guy says that he's always fancied trying it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous Asian he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

To which the guy replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring a beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex."

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German ( the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and so has accepted a five-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as "EuroEnglish". The agreed plan is as follows:

Year 1: The soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard 'c' would be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.

Year3: Publik akseptense of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them.

By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing the 'th' with z and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keybord spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis, and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer...ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy. "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies." "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."

So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ye!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor," answers Paddy.

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and decided there is no fecking way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign".

Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question.

The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door."

The Mother Superior answers the door.

Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."

The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"

The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little eskimo, "I told you you f--ked a penguin!"

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day, a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!

Eventually, after the shagathon, Onestone rolled over and said,

"I guess you can't kill 2 birds with one stone!"

A Jewish man walked into a bar one day and settled down in the corner to have a few drinks.

A while later, a Chinese man came in and sat next to him.

The Jewish man immediately turned and punched the other man in the face.

The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?"

The Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor."

The Chinese man said, "You idiot, I'm Chinese not Japanese!"

The Jewish man replied, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

Enraged, the Chinese man proceeded to clout the Jewish man in the face. The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, "Owww, why did you do that?!"

The Chinese man replied, "That's for the Titanic."

The Jewish man protested, "But an iceberg caused it to sink, not me!"

The Chinese man smiled and said, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!"

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn?t see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said, "I'll let you come in on one condition. You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex.

The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time.

The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying,

"Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost.""

The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet
above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically
correct , but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

A mushroom walks into a bar. He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up. He gives her a few cheap lines, and she replies "Get out of here, I don't want nothing to do with you!" Then the mushroom says, "What's the matter? I'm a fun-gi!"

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink".

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Two Texans were standing at the bar, drinking shots, when a woman at the other end of the bar started to choke on a small piece of Barbeque Chicken she had ordered.

Tex said to Slim, "That gal looks like she's chokin' to death, Think we should help her?"

Slim said, "yes siree bob!" So Slim runs down to the lady and says, "Can you speak?" she shakes her head no. "Are you choking to death?", he asks. She nods her head yes.

The lady is turning blue. Slim spins the lady round and slams her chest into the bar top. Bending her over he rips off her skirt. Then he rips off her panties. Then Slim runs his tongue up the crack of her bare ass. With this she gasps loudly, spitting out the chicken. She begins to breathe. Slim walks back to the end of the bar and picks up his shot glass of whiskey and proceeds to take a drink.

Tex says, "that's great Slim."

"Ain't nothing kid," said Slim, "That old 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre' works every time."

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

A stranger walks into the local bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's an alligator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be out of your mind to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the rest is even crazier.

After sinking a few pints, the stranger stands up and summons the bartender.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp with tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink.

"Give me a shot of blood", says the first vampire.

"Make it a double for me", says his friend.

"Just get me a mug of hot water", says the third vampire.

The bartender gets to work and serves the vampires their drinks. Slighlty confused and curious, the bartender turns to the third vampire,

"Why did'nt you order any blood?", he inquires.

The third vampire pulls out a tampon and drops it into his mug, "I'm making tea".

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For fish's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've only been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Take it easy, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep."

" Well, you are now - the tide is coming in."

Edited by Byteslurve, 11 January 2011 - 02:53 PM.

A guy meets a gorgeous girl at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

A man with no arms and no legs is lazily lapping up the sun on a beach when he is approached by three stunning young women. Taking pity on him, the first says to him,

" Have you ever been hugged?"

The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hig. The second then says,

" Have you ever been kissed?"

Again, he shakes his head and she bends to kiss him lovingly.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks,

" Have you ever been f--ked?"

" No! " says the man as his eyes light up and pulse begins to race.

Two friends went camping in the mountains and had spent four days together, but they were beginning to tire of each other's company and getting a little testy toward each other.

On the fifth morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I think the separation could help. I'll hike north and spend the day exploring, you hike south and spend the day exploring. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire!".

The second friend readily agreed and hiked off to the south after breakfast. The first man hiked north. That night over dinner beside the campfire, the first man related his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat in the afternoon sun to dry, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wild flowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?", he asks.

The second friend replied, "Pretty good. I went south and discovered some old railroad tracks. I followed them a ways until I quite unexpectedly came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! So, of course, I immediately cut her ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I returned to camp!".

"Wow!!!", the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?".

"Nah!", says the second friend dejectedly over his meal, "I couldn't find her head!"

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you a wish. Alas I can only grant you the one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected, "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year."

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does so, he nudged his elbow into her breast.

They are both quite startled, so the man turns to her and says, "Ma?am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you?ll forgive me."

She replies, "Sir, if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I?m in room 436."

One Easter, grandfather Joe decided to take his grandson, Billy, out fishing. After catching a prize rainbow trout, grandpa Joe pulls out a fat cigar, lights it and takes a chug on it.

The young boy asks his grandpa "Can i try that cigar?"

Grandpa Joe looks down at the young lad and retorts "Can the tip of your dick touch your a-----e?" Knowing that it could'nt Billy said no and grandpa Joe told him that he could'nt have a smaoke.

The next day grandpa Joe and Billy go to the local newsagents and buy 10 scratchcards. Feeling generous, Grandpa Joe gives Billy 5 of them and he keeps the other five.

As usual, grandpa scratches away to reveal nothing and turns around to see his wide-eyed grandson smiling with glee.

"I won ?10,000, I can't believe it!" shouts Billy.

"Well, seeing that i bought your tickets, I think you owe me half of that", replied grandpa Joe. Billy turned to his grandfather slowly and thoughtfully asked:

"Can the tip of your dick touch your a-----e?"

"It sure can little Billy!" grandpa Joe replied with a wry smile.

"In that case grandpa, go fish yourself!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. After setting up their tent, they drift into a deep sleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it`s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you half-wit. Someone has stolen our tent."

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!".

Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

A young student comes to her professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?

John and Cathy were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California.

Running low on gas, John pulled into the nearest gas station.

"What can I do fer ya'll?" asked the attendant.

"Fill her up with high test," replied John.While the attendant was filling up the tank, he started checking out the car.

"What kinda car is dat?" he asked, "Never seen one like it before."

"Well," responded John, his chest swelling up with pride, "this my boy is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all it got in it?" asked the attendant.

"Well," said John, "It has everything. It has power steering, electric seats, an electric sun roof, electric mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," said the attendant, "that's really somethin'."

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asked John.

"That'll be $30.17," said the attendant. John pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. He reached into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change and golf tees.

"What dem little wooden things?" enquired the attendant curiously.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," replied John.

"Wow," said the attendant, "dem Cadillac people really think of everything!"

A girl hitch-hiking along the motorway was picked up by a lorry driver... She was a good-looking girl with big tits and short skirt and after a while the lorry driver noticed that he'd developed a thumping erection.

When he showed it to her she produced a bread knife from her hand bag, cut off his c--k and tossed it out of the window. Now it just so happened that a couple of Irishmen were driving along in the car behind, and when the severed penis landed on the windscreen with a liberal smattering of blood, Paddy, the driver, turned on his windscreen wipers, swept it away and said:" Jaysus Mike, did you see the size of the c--k on that fly!!!!"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl somehow manages to free herself from the wreckage, with her boyfriend and clothes trapped in the car.

"Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she frantically yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me." The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

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Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 12, 2016

Jokes for everyone part 7

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