mycarforum: Jokes for everyone part 10

Due to his owner's negligence, a dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor dog notices a leopard hading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. The dog immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching leopard. Just as the jungle cat is about to leap, the dog loudly says, "My, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard slinks away. "That was too close," thought the leopard, "that dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a mischevious monkey had observed the entire scene, and decided to cause trouble for the dog, while getting on the good side of the leopard as well. The monkey dashed off after the leopard, to tell him what truly happened.

The dog saw the monkey dash off, and suspiciously tailed him from behind. He overhears the monkey spilling the beans, and quickly decides on a course of action, racing back to the pile of bones.

At the same time, the leopard has decided to take care of the dog once and for all. The monkey hops on the leopard's back, to watch the demise of the doomed dog. As the leopard approaches, he can hear the dog talking to himself: "Where's that lazy monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago for another leopard, and he's still not back!"

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and
those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know in the world. Name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of hearing Bubba boasting, his boss said, "OK Bubba, how about Tom Cruise do you know him?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let's have a cup of coffee first to catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work, particularly which types of patients they'd had the best experiences with.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather
prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating
the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.
So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out
to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained. Without
diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted,

"Coldwater, move!"

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town.

Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's butt.

Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?"

Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two a-----es on that camel.'"

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!"

Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins.

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!"

Amazed, he says, "That's cool I work for 3M."

All of a sudden, the third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.."

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:

"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked,

"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

A lonely frog calls a psychic hotline and asks what his future holds.

His personal psychic adviser tells him, "You are going to meet a young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is excited about the news. "That's great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic. "In biology class."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
'Paint my house.'

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency.

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

"It's my people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one!"

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all the clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks."

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.Every time you lie, the hands on your
clock will move.""Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that one?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she's never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is
that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that old Abe only told two lies in his entire life.

"Where's Paul Martin's or Jean Chretien's clock?" asked the man."They're
in Jesus' office. He's using them as ceiling fans."

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem- knock on wood." As she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered. "Bring them as well" replied the lawyer. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?", asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill", answered the son.

"I don't care", said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa, "The extra $100.00 is from Grandma."

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped."

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 6 seconds the speedometer reads 60mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped. He looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.

Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my goodness! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers....

Unhook ...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

Four men were out golfing and discussing how each convinced their wife to let them play golf every morning.

1st guy: I had to buy my wife a BMW to let me play golf daily.

2nd guy: You got off cheap! I had to buy my wife a BMW and a mink coat.

3rd guy: You both got off dirt cheap! I had to buy my wife the BMW, mink coat and a diamond necklace.

4th guy: Ha! I didn't have to buy my wife a single thing! Every morning when I wake up, I lean over in bed, nudge my wife and ask, "Intercourse or golf course?" She instantly replies, "Don't forget to take your sweater

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the damn thing!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and are soon asleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars, Kimosabe."

What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kimosabe?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumb-ass. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes, when you are happy, no one sees your smile.

But fart just one time....

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair
of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to
appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy
out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a
pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto
parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair
of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2
slices crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and
then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh&t if you live to be 80?"

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local zoo.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. He's obviously quite excited about the man's pretty wife in the wavy, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. The wife obliges.

Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. Now, Mr. Gorilla is about ready to tear the bars down in excitement. The husband further encourages his wife to lift her dress to show a little leg. This, too, drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

The husband quickly grabs his wife, rips open the door to the gorilla cage, slings her in with the ape and exclaims, "Now, try telling HIM you have a headache!"

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife:

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform for his wife. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few medications, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist confesses he can not figure out what is wrong. The psychiatrist decides to refer him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this!" He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a full year."

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, as he is lying in bed with his wife he says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.

With that, his wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

How to tell somebody their fly is unzipped:

The cucumber has left the salad.

I can see the gun of Navarone.

Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

You've got Windows on your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Your soldier is out.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

Dr. Kimble has escaped!

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

"Very true, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over...

Two claimed that he was still there.

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy husband finally confronted her.

"Admit it, Linda," he said, "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left it to you."

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out.

He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing." .

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home..

Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man. .

Then he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. .

Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede..

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?".

"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!".

A magician was working on a small cruise ship. He does the same act week in and out, with a new audience every week. However, the Captain's parrot watches the show every time. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but what can he do? The parrot belongs to the Captain, after all.

One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."

We know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
We can open all our own jars.
We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
We don?t have to learn to spell a new last name.
We can leave a motel bed unmade.
We can kill our own food.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on our faces stays the original color.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
We don?t have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.
Same work-more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.
We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.
We don?t have to shave below the neck.
A few belches are expected and tolerated.
Our belly usually hides our big hips.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road.

Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again..

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo immediately. The man agreed and was off. .

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo." .

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today we're going to Sea World!".

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

An Italian man, a Scottish man, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and tells the Italian guy that he is in charge of sweeping. He tells the Scotsman that he is in charge of the shoveling. The Chinese guy is in charge of supplies. The foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns the pile of sand is still there untouched.

He asks the Italian guy, "Why haven't you swept any of this sand?"

The Italian guy says, "I no hava a broom. You saida the Chinese fella wasa ina chargea supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman then turns to the Scotsman and says, "You were supposed to shovel this pile of sand."

The Scotsman says, "Aye, boot ah could nay get meeself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in charge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."

The foreman is really angry and storms off toward the pile of sand. He is looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. Spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms as if grabbing a wheel.

This guy goes to visit his grandmother in the hospital, but when he gets there she is asleep. He is hungry but not wanting to miss her he decides to eat a bowl of peanuts sitting on his grandmothers night stand. About the time he finishes the bowl of peanuts his grandmother wakes up.

The man apologizes to his grandmother for eating her peanuts. Hi! Grandma he says, I'm sorry I was hungry and I ate all your peanuts.

Granny replies,

Oh! sunny that's okay I already sucked all the chocolate off em!

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created

Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
*Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
*Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
*Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
*And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.

With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,

11 channels not working,

10 hours without mail,

9 frozen chat rooms,

8 hours of busy signals,

7 frozen IMs,

6 disconnections,

5 web crashes,

4 idiots at tech help,

3 error messages,

2 pieces of junk mail,

and a chat room full of jerks.

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn?t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma?am, they?re dead."

A couple of dog owners were arguing about whose dog is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "That every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know", says the second owner.

"How do you Know?"

"My dog told me."

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big Chief, no poop". The doctor gave him one pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow.

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no
poop". The doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.

The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, no poop". The doctor gets annoyed and so gives the
warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.

The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):

"Big poop!! No chief".

Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box. Bill says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" Ralph replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President was a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

A man phones home from his office and tells his
wife, "I have a chance of a lifetime to go fishing
for a week, but I have to leave right away. So
pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue
silk pajamas. I'll be home in about an hour to
pick them up." He goes home, grabs everything,
and rushes off. He returns a week later and his
wife asks if he had a good time. He says, "Oh yes
great! But you forgot to pack my blue pajamas!"
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put
them in your tackle box!"

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.

He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,"What, what did he say?" At which time his wife yells in his ear, "He wants to see your underwear".

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.

"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer anyways.

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

1. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

2. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

3. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

4. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a b-------t?

5. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

6. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

8. What do people in China call their good plates?

9. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

10. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

11. What do you call male ballerinas?

12. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

13. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

14. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

17. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

19. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Why do banks charge a "Non Sufficient Funds Fee" on money they already know you don't have?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"

The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes," the gambler concedes.

"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an 8."

A wealthy man needed a brain transplant. His doctor said he had two choices. One was a college professor at the cost of $10,000. The second choice was a famous politician for $500,000. The patient asked why so expensive? The doctor replied, "It's never been used!"

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

A patient goes to a hospital after having a leg injury. He comes out of the operating room and the doctor is there. The doctor looks at him and says "Oh good, you're awake. We have finished the operation, and I have some good news and some bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?"

The patient says "Tell me the bad news first doc." So the doctor says "Well, we were in such a rush we amputated the wrong leg.. I'm sorry."

The patient outraged starts yelling "What? So what
is the good news then."

The doctor tells him "Well, your other leg won't need to be amputated after all."

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that."

"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

A group of tourists visit the Niagara Falls and are accompanied by a guide.

The guide says "I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard!"

"Now, may I request that the ladies in the back keep quiet so that we can hear the falls!"

A man on his way home from work on downtown Ottawa came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself "Wow , this traffic is even worse than usual , nothing is moving!"

He notices a police officer walking up and down between the cars so he rolls down his window and asks "Excuse me , Officer. What seems to be the holdup?"

The Officer comes over to his car and replies "The Prime Minister is just so depressed over the corruption scandals that he stopped his limo in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start himself on fire. He says that country hates him and he can't quit because he doesn't have a big enough pension to retire on. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" the man says as he reaches for his wallet.

"So far only about a hundred litres , but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning ...."

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.

"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Your family is so poor that when I went inside your house and accidentally stepped on a roach, your whole family came out singing, "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, thank the Lord that we got some meat!"

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

You've a face like a million dollars.

All green and wrinkled!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

So, I retired and found out I'm a perfect fit!

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.
I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the heck are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to beat up the cat."

"Boy, I'm scared," Anthony said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.

"It's not that," declared Anthony. "He didn't sign his name!"

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!"

He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody.

He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

The psychology professor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A sports-minded young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

An Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "A XHOSA, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The Detective is taken to the second dead man.

"A SOTHO, 25, won the lottery, spent it all on Brandy. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Detective, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. A ZULU, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Detective.

To which the coroner replies: "Thought he was having his picture taken".

Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your house I accidentally stepped on a roach

and your whole family came out singing, "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, thank the Lord that we got meat!"

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.

"P-u-t means to place a thing where you want it. P-u-t-t means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Earth may stop Rotating,
Birds may stop Flying,
Candles may stop Melting,
Fishes may stop Swimming,
Heart may stop Beating,
But your Brain will
never start working!

One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.

One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."

"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"

"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"

"A rose?" he responds.

"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.

He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"

Yo momma so stupid that when she got locked in the toilet, she peed her pants.

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, find a single bat STANDING upright on the floor of their cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask him: "What the heck are you doing down there ?"

The fellow shouts back: "It's a new thing called Yoga!"

A man took his Rotweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!".

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister" says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a Repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking doberman he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't stand it any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

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Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 12, 2016

Jokes for everyone part 10

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