mycarforum: tháng 12 2016

Version 1 : When Raffles stepped out of his boat on to Boat Quay, a man was running by announcing the birth of his son in hokkien. 'see ta poh, see ta poh'

Version 2 : I thought the story was like this : The indian king, Parameswara, was sleeping under a tree and was dreaming. He was rudely awakened by an animal resembling a lion. So, out of shock, he screamed ' Singa porda ! Singa porda ' (which means, 'lion, get lost!')

Version 3 : When Raffles sailed up the Singapore river for the first time, a malay lady was bathing in the river, having left her clothes on the river bank. A singh came by and stole her clothes. The upset lady started shouting after him, 'Singh Kapoh, Singh Kapoh'...

Version 4 : 'Singapore' was actually translated from the name 'Singapura' in Bahasa Malaysia. Story goes that there was a prince that came to our island many many years ago, on an exploration trip. Then he suddenly saw a lion and he named our island 'Singapura', which means lion port.

Imagine if he had seen a pig instead of a lion, it would be Babipura. ('pig' in Malay is 'Babi')

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?

Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.

The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"

Dear Sir,

Last year, I upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of such phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Karaoke-Hit 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can U help me? Jeremy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reply to Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,

This is a very common problem men complain about is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is a " UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. In fact, Wife 1.0 is an "OPERATING SYSTEM " and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program from the system once installed.

U cannot go back to GirlFriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install GirlFriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under WARNINGS. Alimony/Child Support. I recommend U to keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might suggest U read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). U must assume all responsibility for faults and problems might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then rest button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as U take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is great program but is very high maintenance.

(PS - Do not attempt to install illegal program like Mistress 1.0 which is currently circulating both in the local and overseas markets. Such programs once detected by Wife 1.0 will result unimaginable damages and cost of repair may incur very high fee and time not to mention emotional distress....)

Fly?

What is the difference between a fly and a mosquito?

Ans: A mosquito can fly but a fly cant mosquito

hi,guy, Happy & relax, i love your post very much

Thanks bro, I will be going oversea tomorrow, will be posting more when I'm back, hope these jokes are enough for the time being

Ups

Conception

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the Instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red sticky ball, which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the Egg.' From that moment on, you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him.

He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red sticky ball. When at last he reached the red sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled, and said, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiled and said, "Hi. I'm a tonsil.

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence.? It didn?t sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: ?To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.? It?s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: ?Re-read this line.? Trouble is, I?m not as sharp as I used to be, so it?s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, ?I have some good news and some bad news.?
The man says, ?OK, give me the good news first.?
The doctor says, ?The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.?
The man replies, ?Oh no! If that?s the good news, then what?s the bad news??
The doctor says, ?The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.?

Did you hear about the new French tank?
Yeah, it has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. ?I can?t find any green golf balls,? the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, ?Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls??
?Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!?

In a small Texas town there was a ?Nativity Scene? that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen?s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a ?Quik Stop? on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, ?You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!?
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn?t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, ?See, it says right here, ?The three wise men came from afar.??

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, ?What?s so funny, Pat??
?I just saw one of your garters!?
?Get out of my classroom,? she yells, ?I don?t want to see you for three days!?
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, ?What?s so funny, Billy??
?I just saw both of your garters!?
Again, she yells, ?Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don?t want to see you for three weeks!?
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
?Where do you think you?re going?? she asks.
?From what I just saw, my school days are over!?

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: ?Okay! Okay! I?m a rabbit! I?m a rabbit!?

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, ? ?This is the WORST book I?ve ever read!? ?It has NO plot and far too many characters!?
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks ? ?So, you?re the one who took our phone book??

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, ?Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!?
?Dear God! Did you try to stop him??
?No,? she said, ?I did better than that! I got the license plate number!?

After Quasimodo?s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he
decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer?s job.
The bishop was incredulous. ?You have no arms!?
?No matter,? said the man, ?observe!? He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to
his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the
bishop through, one of them asked, ?Bishop, who was this man??
?I don?t know his name,? the bishop sadly replied, ?but his face rings a
bell.?

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ?Can I help you??
The man said, ?Yeah, I?ve come to activate your phone lines.?

A doctor vacationing in Panama met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, ?Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here in Panama?? The doctor replied, ?I?m looking for Panama Real Estate .? ?You have the money?? asked the lawyer. ?Well, remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.? The lawyer looked puzzled. ?Gee,? he asked, ?how did you start the flood??

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, ?Wanna hear a blonde joke??
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, ?Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I?m a 6? tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6?2?, weighs 225, and he?s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6?5? pushing 300 and he?s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke??
The blind guy says, ?Nah, not if I?m gonna have to explain it five times.?

Why was the archeologist depressed? Because his career was in ruins!

The teacher asked Mary, ?If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?? Mary immediately answered, ?Seven!?

The teacher was puzzled and asked ?Why seven??

?You really think I would give David any of my cookies??

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn?t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn?t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, ?I?ll bet the truck won?t be waiting for me either.?

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what?s wrong.

?I feel terrible,? he explains, ?I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.?

The blonde says, ?Don?t worry.?

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, ?What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!??
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says?
Hair Spray ? Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,?I hope I haven?t made you feel ill at ease, it?s just that you look so much like my late son.?
He answered, ?That?s okay.?
?I know it?s silly, but if you?d call out ?Good bye, Mom? as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.?
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, ?Goodbye, Mom.?
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone?s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
?That comes to $121.85,? said the clerk.
?How come so much? I only bought 5 items!?
The clerk replied, ?Yeah, but your Mother said you?d be paying for her things, too.?

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: ?For Women Only.? Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. ?We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It?s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what?s inside.?
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: ?All the men on this floor are short and plain.? The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: ?All the men here are short and handsome.? Still, this isn?t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: ?All the men here are tall and plain.?
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: ?All the men here are tall and handsome.? The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: ?There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.?

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They
were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid
bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own
where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren?t just stupid bimbos ? after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: ?I Belong in B.E.D.?

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his
congregation, ?There isn?t anything that will save us except to
pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next
Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.?
The people did as they were told and returned to church the
following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he
was furious.
?We can?t worship today. You do not yet believe,? he said.
?But,? they protested, ?we prayed, and we do believe.?
?Believe?? he responded. ?Then where are your umbrellas??

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. ?Lady?, said the drunk, ?that?s the ugliest kid I?ve ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!.? As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. ?What?s the matter, madam?? he asked. ?I?ve just been horribly insulted? she sobbed. ?There there,? said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. ?Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here?s a banana for the chimp?

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ?Is something wrong?? To which she replied, ?There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU?VE GOT MAIL.?

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he?s back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, ?I think I know where I?m going wrong? he tells the dealer,
?I think I?m planting them too deep.?

Did you here about the idiot who won the ?Tour De France??
He did a lap of Honour!

A man was carpeting his living room, and once finished, he couldn?t find his pack of cigarettes. Then he saw the lump in the middle of the carpet. He decided he didn?t want to pull up the new carpet for one pack of smokes, so he took his hammer and pounded the lump flat. His wife came in the room just then and handed him his cigarettes.
?I found them in the kitchen,? she told him. ?Now if I can just find our pet hamster.?

The man asked the doctor for birth control pills, and the doctor asked why he would need birth control. ?To help me sleep better.? Birth control pills don?t help with insomnia, the doctor explained. ?Yes they do,? the man insisted, ?I put them in my daughter?s drink before she goes out and I sleep much better.?

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots? uniforms?both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they?re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin?but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, ?You know, Bob, one of these days, they?re going to scream too late, and we?re all gonna die. . .?

There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The 1st blonde said, ?You need to try harder. It?s starting to rain and the top is down!?

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
?I have an idea,? said Mike. ?We?ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.?
?What, do you think I?m stupid? I have an idea. I?ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.?

An atheist was walking through the woods.
?What majestic trees?!
?What powerful rivers?!
?What beautiful animals?!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, ?Oh my God!?
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. ?You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don?t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer??
The atheist looked directly into the light, ?It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian??
?Very Well,? said the Voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
?Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.?

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
?We?re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.?
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, ?God Save The Queen,? and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, ?Viva La France,? and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, ?Remember the Alamo,? and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

A lady, at pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement. An American visitor asked what the purpose of the audible sound was. On being told it was for blind people she said, ?Oh, we don?t let them drive in America?.

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, ?Danger! Beware of dog!? posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
?Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?? he asked the owner.
?Yep, that?s him,? came the reply.
The stranger couldn?t help but be amused. ?That certainly doesn?t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign??
?Because,? the owner explained, ?Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.?

Darling,? said the swooning man to his new bride. ?Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income??
?Of course, dearest, no trouble,? she said. ?But what will you live on??

you are back, keep it going bro

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
?Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.?
Watson replied, ?I see millions and millions of stars.?
?What does that tell you?? Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
?Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you??
Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. ?Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.?

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, ?chickens.?
?Chickens, eh?? says one guy. ?Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one??
?Heck, ? says the guy with the bag, ?iffin you guess right, I?ll give you both of ?em.?
The other scratches his head and guesses, ?Um? five??

A man speaks frantically into the phone, ?My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!?
?Is this her first child?? the doctor queries.
?No, you idiot!? the man shouts. ?This is her husband!?

A man walks into a doctor?s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
?What?s the matter with me?? he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, ?You?re not eating properly.?

President Bush is back from his big European tour. He became the first president to ever visit Albania. He got a hero?s welcome there. Although there was one awkward moment when he told the crowd, ?I love you albino people.?

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him ?Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!?
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, ?What starting salary were you thinking about?? The Engineer said, ?In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.? The interviewer said, ?Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years ? say, a red Corvette?? The Engineer sat up straight and said, ?Wow! Are you kidding?? The interviewer replied, ?Yeah, but you started it.?

?An abstract noun,? the teacher said, ?is something you can think of, but you can?t touch it. Can you give me an example of one??
?Sure,? a teenage boy replied. ?My father?s new car.?

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, ?I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.? The other cow replies, ?I ain?t worried, it don?t affect us ducks.?

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. ?Good heavens,? he said, ?what is this?? ?Why, it?s bean soup,? she replied. ?I don?t care what it has been,? he sputtered. ?What is it now??

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He?d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, ?Can I help you?? The man said, ?Sure. I?ve come to install the phone!?

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the ?no haggle? attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ?Maybe I?ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!? The shopkeeper said, ?By all means, be my guest. Maybe you?ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!? Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, ?Darn, this one isn?t wearing any shoes either!?

While most sites charge you $10, $20 or even $1000 per joke, for a limited time, you can look at these jokes absolutely free! Yes, it?s hard to believe, but you will not be charged at all to look at these very rare and valuable free jokes. So enjoy, and never forget how lucky you really are.

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach?s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, ?Yes, there?s a nasty bug going around.?

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn?t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. ? Emo Phillips

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

In London, a lady, at a pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road, saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement. An American visitor asked what the purpose of the audible sound was. On being told it was for blind people he said, ?Oh, we don?t let them drive in America?.

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She?d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. ?Excuse me, miss,? said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. ?The Hilton doesn?t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.? ?What difference does it make?? Joan asked rather calmly. ?No one can see me up here, and besides, I?m covered with a towel.? ?Not exactly,? said the embarrassed man. ?You?re lying on the dining room skylight.?

Like What did the big chimney say to the little chimney
Your to young to smoke

So the first baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says "Moo moo mama why am I named Rose?"
and the mama cow said "Because when you were born a rose fell on your head"
The second baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says "Moo moo mama why am I named Daisy?"
and the mama cow said "Because when you were born a daisy fell on your head"
The third baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says "Medifodsg"
The mama cow says "Shut up, Cinderblock"

Waiter there's a fly in my soup
Quiet or the other customers will want one also

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Someone too short to reach the doorbell

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, ?Stop! Stop! You?re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?? The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, ?Nope. You are. I?m going to set the garage on fire!?

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, ?If that thing was full of ice cream, I?d eat every bite.?

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:

?Debra, I?ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.?

Debra replied, ?Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.?

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says ?seven points.?

His wife rolls over and asks, ?What in the world was that??

The old man says, ?Touchdown, I?m ahead 7 to nothing.?

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, ?Touchdown, tie, score.?

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I?m ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, ?Touchdown, tie score.?
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can?t fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, ?Now what in the world was that??

The old man replies, ?Half-time, switch sides.?

tats quite funny.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what?s wrong.

?I feel terrible,? he explains, ?I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.?

The blonde says, ?Don?t worry.?

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, ?What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!??
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says?
Hair Spray ? Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

A mother was criticized for leaving her son in her car by a man who stole her car, police said.

Galveston police said a 22-year-old woman and her boyfriend parked along Seawall Boulevard near 9th Street early Tuesday morning to go fishing.

They took their fishing gear down to the beach and then decided it was too cold for the toddler, investigators said.

The mother took the child back to the car, started the engine and heater and then went back to the beach to help her boyfriend get the fishing gear, police said.

Investigators said a homeless man hopped in the car and took off, with the child inside.

A few minutes later, the car thief took the car back and yelled at the couple for leaving the child in the car, police said.

Well on the plus side I think we have discovered possibly the best anti theft device ever. I mean if parents don?t want to deal with their kids what are the odds that a homeless car thief would want to put up with them? On the downside that kid probably would have had a better life with the homeless dude.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy"

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: b-------t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : "I know..."

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me."

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam".

"That's not so bad," she thought.

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores."

Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home.

The parrot again spoke out...

This time it said, "Hi Ray!"

The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.

Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!"

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

However, the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is 'Here, kitty, kitty'!!!"

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!

I like this

Anyone who has any jokes please feel free to contribute here, let's share some lameness and happiness with everyone~

Three men are in a car which is about to crash. They all decided to throw out one valuable item.

The first person throws out a rock. The second throws out a pen. The third throws out a grenade.

Their car crashes and they survive the crash. Then, they all start walking back to get their valuable items.

The first man sees a little girl crying and asks her, "Little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl replies, "Someone threw a rock at me!"

The second guy sees a little boy crying and asks him, "Little boy, why are you crying?" The little boy replies, "Someone threw a pen at me and poked me in the eye!"

The third guy sees a fat kid laughing really hard and so he asks him, "Hey kid, why are you laughing so hard?" The fat kid replies, "I farted and my house blew up."

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask himsome questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with! a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last even questions wrong......

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,

but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

Little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You've Got Male!"

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....

DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...

P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?'

The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.

With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.

As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love, Mom.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly says, "So, where y'all from?"

The Wisconsin girl says, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Oklahoma sits quietly for a few moments and then replies, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

mycarforum

Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 12, 2016

Jokes for everyone part 9