Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing. Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
Q: Why didn't the oyster give up his pearl?
A: Because he was shellfish.
A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The priest's parrot replies, "Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"
A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a djinni appears and grants them each three wishes. The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end smiles.
A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked."
Why do gorillas have large nostrils? Because they have fat fingers.
It's not a joke to read all yours jokes in a roll, the screen brightness blinds my eyes liao.A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The priest's parrot replies, "Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"
Q: Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?
A: Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!
An old woman walks into a butcher shop and asks for a New Mexico duck. The butcher grabs the nearest duck and hands it to the old lady. She puts her finger up its ass, pulls it out, smells it, and says, "You must be new here because this is no New Mexico duck." The butcher replies, "Yep, I am new here." The old lady comes back with, "Well, where are you from?" The butcher drops his pants, spreads his butt cheeks and says, "I don't know, why don't you tell me."
Did you hear about the queer termite? He ate the wood pecker.
Q: What do dolphins have that no other mammals have? A: Baby dolphins.
Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry!
Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the zoo, elephants began throwing peanuts at her.
I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great!
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their a**holes are too small.
Q: Where do sharks go on their holidays?
A: Finland.
Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with an ant? A: A giant.
Where do you take a sick horse? To the horse-pital!!!
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe... Darling... Joe..."
Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear...'Till Death Do Us Part'!"
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing b**tard! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her three sons-in-law. One a fine day, she was walking along a lake shore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"
Another day she went out with her second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell in the lake and started yelling for help. The second son-in-law, too, jumped into the water and dragged her out, onto the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E-Class Mercedes at his doorstep with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy got scared and ran away without offering any help to her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day the third son-in-law was surprised to see a new brand new Rolls-Royce waiting at his doorsteps with the following wording, "Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law!"
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served.
"What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled: Mayday, Mayday!!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!!
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!!
He began his series of questions:
Tower: How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me.
Tower: Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??
Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me.
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??
Aircraft: Because the crap in my pants is sliding out of my collar.
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents.
Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e. the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see, each one of you is a little pane," and pointing to each child, he said, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And...."
It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.
Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh... How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
Two boys were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.
Between gasps for air, one managed to say, "We better give up... because we'll never get this table into the house."
"Into the house?" screamed the other. "I thought we were moving it out of the house!"
Ricky was at the mall and went into a toy shop, picked up a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper Monopoly money and started to leave.
The shopkeeper told him, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."
Ricky continued walking out of the shop and didn't reply.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Ricky kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Ricky said "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."
Ricky looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that 3-year-old Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I speak to him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"Well may I speak to her, then?"
Again the small voice whispered,"No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak to the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What,s going on there?" demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team has just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF' but before she could say... 'F * ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop.
He went to him & said, "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. So why do I get such a small salary? and you get huge sums???"
Classic reply by Doctor:
The doctor smiled at the engineer, came close to his ear and said, "Try the same when the engine is running."
The story doesn't end here.
The engineer smiled back, came close to doctor's ear and said, "I can pick any dead engine and make it alive... But can you ???"
Classic or EPIC???
A golfer is walking down to his golf course, carrying his clubs, when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint.
He pulls out a wedge, creeps up behind the gunman and smashes it over the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Well, some golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls up.
We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: two of them don't have swimming pools."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.
Family Member: Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.
Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?
Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!
Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?
Citibank: Excuse me?
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?
Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.
Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.
Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?
Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?
Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?
Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.
Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.
Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.
Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?
Citibank: That might help....
Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.
Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old."
Well..... you'll love this one.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his BDS diploma on the wall , which bore his full name. suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St. Mary's high school.
"Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1984. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked, "What did you teach ???"
There was a good looking woman who used to come to the bank.
All the guys working in the bank were always amazed to see her.
All instructed the cashier to shout "Cheque Aaya Re, Cheque Aaya Re..." as soon as she enters the bank.
This happened a couple of times. At first, the woman felt a little weird but then guessed what was going on.
One day when she came, as usual the cashier shouted "Cheque Aaya Re...."
The woman calmly showed her 'Mangalsutra' and shouted: "Cheque Toh Aaya Re Koi Phayda Nahin... Kyunki Ye Crossed Cheque Hai!!!"
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
He asked "How do you know?"
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him, yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone.
Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.
Maid: What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal???
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Leave:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Casual Leave:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
The HR
�
Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people, when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle... he gave me a longer cane."
Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh... How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
A guy meets a childhood pal.
"What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman."
"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."
"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the base- ment so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
Fireman asks, "Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."
A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr. Santa, a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest.
After a moment or two, Santa shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied Dr. Santa.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
Dr. Santa rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at Santa with sad eyes and shook his head. Santa patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
Santa looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Dr. Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"1500 Rs!" she cried, "1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
Santa shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been Rs 250, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 1500."
Once a lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel. The next day when thelady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.
He says, ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so thats why all the charges are included in it.''
The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should I pay.
Manager says, "Thats your fault, but you have to pay."
The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.
The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.
The lady replies, "$200 for you sleeping and using me in the night."
Manager, "But I haven't slept with you." Lady, "Thats your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, thats your fault, I am sorry for you" and walked away from the hotel with everyONE looking at her amazed.
Never underestimate the power of 3 things:
1. Women angry for a reason!
2. Women angry without reason!
3. Women about to get angry & looking for a reason.
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee.
"This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one is much cooler, sir," he beamed.
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth."
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!"
And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll."
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!
It's called S O S - Slower, Older and Smarter...
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realised that he left all the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls and were busy with very important works.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called dispatch again. He told dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them."
"The old man replied,"I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
For those of us "of a certain age" and for you youngsters, well, these days will come soon enough!
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband's mobile.
"Hello My Love," I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a long period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, please come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
This is what they call, "a senior moment."
There are only two things to worry about, Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are sick, Then there are only two things to worry about, Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, Then there are only two things to worry about, Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, You'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry!
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $25,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned.
"It would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said, "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Jignessbhai, look who's trying to teach the Patel brothers about bijness!"
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions. The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.
Yelling, the Sergeant asks, "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"
So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"
The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.
Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."
To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.
Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.
After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"
From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God!!! That's what I call service..."
The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.
As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."
The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.
"Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.
Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
A man walks in to a confession booth and says, "I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asks the priest.
"I've committed murder."
The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."
A women walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."
The priest asks her, "What did you do?"
"I robbed six banks."
The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."
Another man walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asks the priest.
"I peed in the holy cup."
A girl was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.
Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, she got five challans for driving without a seat belt... !!!
A man wakes up one morning and found a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers" He calls the number, and the gorilla cathcer, Santa, says he will be over in 30 minutes.
Santa arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van.
He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG.
"What are you going to do", the house owner asks?
Santa said, "I'm going to put this LADDER up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT. When the gorilla falls off, the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the house owner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the house owner.
Santa replies, "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG."
The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"
The little boy answered, "No, he minded his own damn business!"
�
An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive, the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.
When they arrived at heaven they were shown to a luxurious accommodation. There was a garden and a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.
The man turned to his wife and said, "You dozy cow... if it wasn't for you and your bloody health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping. It was found by Pappu and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny and strange. When I lost my bag there was a 500 rupee note in it. Now there are ten 50 rupee notes."
Pappu quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
�
Edited by Byteslurve, 23 September 2015 - 09:23 AM.
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad
Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears.
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her A*s with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat A*s downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop. One day they were sitting very very quietly.
A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.
He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."
An army major to wife, he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action.
"The punishment sounds a little harsh," she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters."
"No, honey," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly!"
A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside.
The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!"
The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside.
Moments later, the husband came in, angry, "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!' Are you saying you have other men over?"
Wife, "Well, then why did you run away?"
One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class.
Professor: What kind of Wife would you like Pappu?
Pappu: I would want a wife like the moon.
Professor: Wow !!! What a choice... So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon?
Pappu: No, no...
Professor: Oh, so you want her to be Round and white?
Pappu: No, no...
Professor: Oh, so you want her to be Fair and Beautiful like the moon?
Pappu: No, no... I want her to be Exactly like The MOON. Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning.
Professor fainted...
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment. Not sure if they hired him...
NAME:
Armando Rodriguez...
DESIRED POSITION
Reclining. Ha ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD
Reclining on my mom's couch.
SALARY
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any
PREFERRED HOURS
1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE
Scorpio with Libra rising.
This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will eventually become seniors.
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" the irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!!!"
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum. The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice.
Father-in-law: Young man, you're coming to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you're chewing gum. That's a sign of disrespect!
Man: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.
Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke, and you're here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage?
Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to the club.
Father-in-law: You club too?
Man: I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.
Father-in-law: You've also been to prison before? Oh my God!
Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed someone.
Father-in-law: What!!! You're a killer?
Man: Sir, I was angry because a certain man didn't allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him!
Father-in-law: Oh! Okay.... You know what? You're highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You're absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Welcome to the family
The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.
As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."
The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.
"Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.
Two women friends met after many years.
"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"
"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"
"That's really awful!"
"And what about your daughter?"
"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
9.00 AM: Beep... Beep...
Msg received... Salary credited to your account.
Me: Yipeeee...
9.01 AM: Beep... Beep...
Home EMI auto debited...
9.02 AM: Beep... Beep...
Car loan EMI auto debited...
9.03 AM: Beep... Beep...
Credit card bill auto debited...
9.04 AM: Beep... Beep...
Phone bill auto debited...
9.05 AM: Beep... Beep...
Electricity bill auto debited...
9.06 AM: Beep... Beep...
LIC EMI auto debited...
9.07 AM: Beep... Beep...
Medical insurance EMI debited...
9.08 AM: Beep... Beep...
SIP EMI debited...
9.09 AM: Beep... Beep...
Your account balance: Babaji Ka Thullu ?
A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
If the loser smiles after losing the game, the winner loses the thrill of his victory!!!
That's the power of Smile !!!
Behind every Successful Man there is a Woman....
Because Women don't run behind Unsuccessful Men!!!
'Sympathy'... You can get from Anybody.
But... 'Jealousy'.... You have to Earn it!!!
Drink 5 cups of milk and try to push the wall.
And then drink 5 cups of alcohol and watch... It'll move on its own!!!
Only 3 living beings are immune to cold on earth:
1. Polar bears
2. Penguins
3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless at marriages in India !!!
A rabbit escaped from a research laboratory where he had lived since birth. He joined a group of wild rabbits and lived their lives for a day. He fed on juicy carrots, fat lettuces and sighed with pleasure.
"This is life!" he exclaimed.
"So you are going to live with us?" asked the others.
"I wish I could but I really must get back to the laboratory. I am dying for a cigarette."
A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.
At the funeral house, the African woman kept crying and saying, "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"
A family member pulled her aside and asked, "What did you know?"
She replied, "That, Chinese products don't last long!!!"
A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling me!"
Put your wife in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and see who is 'Happy' to see you, and who will 'BITE' you !
(You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals who are now divorced and living happily with their dog)
Don't laugh loud... the extended version says...
Put your husband in a room and lock it.
Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before.
Congratulations... iPhone 6 launched...
The best feature of iPhone 6 is that if you hold it upside down it becomes iPhone 9.
iPhone users who've been saying, "I love my small iPhone, Android phones are too big for me," all these years... Apple just orphaned you...!!!"
Gujjus will not be affected by iPhone 6 launch... They will continue to flash their iPhone 4S and say: "iPhone Chhe"
With the launch of iPhone 6, OLX is more excited than Apple.... as people will sell old phones, car, house etc to buy iPhone.
Apple is Chinese, all iPhones look the same.
Dear Apple,
iPhone-6 Will Be Priced At 70k...
iPhone-9 Ke Saath Kya Nano Free Milegi ...??
iPhone's are like the Golmaal movie:
Every new version has the same features... but is longer than the previous one..!!!
iPhone6 costs more than the total money Harman Baweja earned from hi Bollywood career...!!!
Job Applicant: I'm looking for a job as a consultant.
Employer: I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.
Applicant: That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.
Employer: More than we can use already.
Applicant, as he is getting desperate: I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor.
Employer: It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.
Applicant, as he stands up and angrily yells, Work for you? I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!
Employer: Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.
Banta is lying across the rail tracks with a bottle of Whisky and a tandoori chicken within reach.
A passerby asks, "Banta ji, why are you lying on the rail lines? A train may comee any moment and run over you."
"Precisely!" answers Banta. "I have no desire to live any longer. I want to kill myself."
"Then why have you this bottle of liquor and the tandoori chicken beside you?"
"Why not?" demands Banta. "You can't rely on trains running on time any more. You don't expect me to die of hunger and thirst, do you?"
Apple iPhone6 in India...
Approx Rs.65k
Other options:
Bangkok Return Ticket: 21k
Stay:10k
Massage: 3k
Shopping: 14k
Savings: 17k
Come back to India and buy any Xiaomi mi3, MOTO G, Asus Zenfone 5, Micromax Nitro, Sony C, Nokia 720.
You still have 4k left for 2 bottles of Jack Daniels at Mumbai Duty Free.
A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him.
The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink.
He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water...right, Lou?
Mrs. Khanna of my society messaged me: Hi... I am new on whatsapp... Any idea what does IDK, LY, TTYL mean...?
I replied: I don't know, Love You, Talk To You Later !
She replied: No problem. I'll ask my son... Love you too... Bye and Take Care
And my wife read it and......
Saala, bhalaai ka to zamana hi nahi raha.
Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Fred was having trouble with a drinking problem and swore that he would correct it with sheer willpower. He had decided to walk straight past the pub without going in.
As he approached the doors he kept repeating to himself, "You can do it. You can do it."
The pressure was tough, but Fred persevered, right past he went.
Fifty metres past and he congratulated himself, "I knew you could do it. You were great! Let's go back and I'll buy you a drink."
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don't know shit ?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.
"You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."
The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.
Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.
The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."
A TOUGH Haryanvi peasant swaggered into a restaurant and ordered for empty tumbler and a lemon. He asked everyone to look as he squeezed the lemon into the glass with his powerful hands.
"If anyone here can get as much out of a lemon as I have I will give him five rupees."
A thin, bespectacled clerk accepted the challenge. With his frail hands he got more juice out of the lemon than the Haryanvi.
"Wonderful!" exclaimed the Chaudhary, handing over the fiver, "but tell me how did you manage to squeeze out more than I?"
"I am from the income tax department," replied the little fellow.
Since the army is gradually talking over more and more functions of the police, there is much heartburning in police circles.
A constable who could not take the reduction of his status much longer, got talking to a jawan, "Bhai, I am told that you jawans of the army have to spend many years on the borders before you get leave. Meanwhile, your wives go on bearing children. Is this really true? How do you treat these ready-made children planted on you?"
The jawan replied cooly, "I do not think this is a common occurrence. But when it takes place we enrol these ready-made children, as you call them, into the police."
When a woman discovered that she was pregnant, her four-year-old son overheard his parents' conversation.
He didn't say anything until a week later when a family friend asked him if he was excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister.
"Yes," said the boy, "and I know what we're going to name it. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Emily, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
A visitor to the capital approached a man at a bus stand and asked, "Sir, will this bus go to Connaught Place?"
"Ya," replied the man.
Not understanding what the word meant he asked another who likewise replied, "Ya."
So did the third and the fourth man. Then he approached Santa and asked the same question.
He replied, "Yes sir, it does."
The visitor further asked, "What does 'Ya' mean? Why did you reply '"Yes sir'?"
"Sir Ji, an educated person always says 'Yes Sir'. Only the uneducated say 'Ya'," replied Santa.
"Are you an educated person?" "Ya."
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"
To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.
Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Ffinished.'
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.
Tiger says to Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that... $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."
United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated. The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy. They are fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out & said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
An angry senator was attacking a minister of government. The minister tried to interrupt the senator's speech.
"I haven't finished yet," roared the senator, and went on in his near- defamatory tirade.
Each time the minister tried to protest, the Senator yelled, "I haven't finished yet."
At long last when the speech ended, the minister asked, "Have you finished now?"
"Yes," replied the senator, taking his seat.
"Then pull the chain."
A firm of solicitors in Mumbai go under the name of Patel, Patel, Patel and Patel.
The office phone rang and the voice at the other end asked, "May I speak to Mr Patel?"
"Mr Patel is not in his seat."
"In that case can I speak to the other Mr Patel?"
"The other Mr Patel is out of station."
"Then put me on to the third Mr Patel."
"Sorry, the third Mr Patel has gone out for lunch."
"Okay then, I will speak to the last Mr Patel."
"Patel speaking."
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